What's the point, really?

Oh, thank god...its daylight savings time! I went out with my friend James to the car meet next to my job and I was having an awesome time catching up on old times and new alike. Now I can sleep an extra hour before church tomorrow! I gotta wake up at 730 for that and it would have been 2 o clock after I just got out of the shower. Whew..
So I purdy much just slept till 12 today, watched a Winnie the Pooh movie about Tigger...lol...I was really sleepy still and I didn't feel like getting up to find the remote. Then since I couldn't fall asleep again, I got up and put my floor neons in my car. Looks good at night! Showed them off tonight as well on the street. That took up most of my time...
Speaking of that, it is amazing how I don't have alot of time, yet the time I spend doing free time stuff turns out to be useless and a waste. I wish I could actually make use of that time that is given to me and spend it taking a girl out, getting to know them, or even just hanging out with some of my guy friends shooting pool and such. But they all went to other schools. I miss James and Daniel. Tito, my other car buddy, is still down here but he only calls when he wants me to show off with him or show off to his friends. He calls me tonight to see if I will go to a meeting to join some car club that he says that I would be one of the best in. So that doesn't say much for the club if i would be in the top...because my car is still kinda stockish, so you can only imagine. Plus, Tito is too busy pretending to be a pimp, or at least thinking that he is. James was really the only guy out of the three that I got along with the best...we are both cheezy goofy white boys that have the same views on our other friends. James, by the way, is the guy whose ass is on the post a couple of days ago. So you can understand the similarities in humor...though you haven't seen my ass yet, but there exists pictures of such a spectacle, including one of me crossdressing! But that is a different story...
Oh, so I worked all night, made some awesome money tonight in the 4 hours that I worked. I just busted my ass to do it though, so it wasnt that worth it! Sweating all night and having to take order after order at the same time, so it was kinda stressful. But then to finish my night off well, Dawn came to visit us all at the restaurant to show off her party costume for a girl at work's Halloween party. HOLY SHWING! She was struttin' it like her momma gave it to her. This is a catholic girl that goes to church and dresses all abercrombie, neat looking, cutie. But she reealllly caught my attention tonight. I never thought she could have so much sex appeal. She wore a Snow White outfit, but she made all efforts to expose as much white snow as she could. Red fishnets, short SHORT skirt with red spandex undies, the snow white scheme of colors for the blouse, but with her boobs pushed allllll the way up! She has a nice figure for being kind of chubby and small. But the excitement lasted for a second, because I really don't get off on that visual crap. She wasn't there to see me, nor would she have made it a point to say hi to me, so ya know, I just didn't harp on it too much. It's like that time I went to the strip club called Temptations.
James and Daniel went with me, and I just didn't get turned on at all. It was like watching african tribal women walking around with their tits hanging out...you just kind of acknowledge that they are normally undressed and when they swing around, you wonder if they are dancing for rain or for next week's dinner to be a swift hunt and kill. Seriously, why go to pay women for having their boobs out and shake their ass in front of you when you can't have it (and it's not like you want it). What a waste, for one, and two, isn't it kind of degrading to be in a profession like that? I just wondered what each girl's reason for dancing was...I should have asked them...then maybe I would have got my money's worth and I could write a book about my findings. And James kept paying for dances for me, which they did right in front of you and sometimes with other women...but really, they aren't thinking "oh, he's cute, I would love to go out with him sometime" or "Is he looking at me because im beautiful?" Ya know what I mean....maybe I am just messed up, but it is just not my thing...neither is porn. I mean, when i was 13, yeah, it was the coolest thing ever...especially when you told your friends that your grandma has Cinemax and leaves it on after she falls asleep when all the dirty stuff comes on...lol. True! But now that I'm over that hormone thing, I just don't care about sex or the symbols that women make of themselves when they flip out their breasts covered with pasties on their nipples and show you that they have curves. Wanna turn me on? Show me that you have a heart and the feelings that correspond to it...now there's something you dont see everyday!

What of me

Oh, besides my other post below I forgot...
Random thought: I love my car! I can customize her anyway I want, make her look shiny when she needs to show off, I can make her light up whenever I flip the right switches, shes all different colors, she goes where I want (sometimes) and she takes care of me when I take care of her. Oh, and she has a mean growl to scare other girls away when they get near me. Sure she has a scratch and a ding here and there, but I still take care of her. I can respect her and get equally back without having to ask for it as well. Most importantly, I didn't have to compete to have her, she chose me... Oh, and she knows I dont want her for sex...only pride
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Heh....Isn't life beautiful! Filled with irony, Hungry Hungry Hippos, and eclipses of the heart.
Thanks to Green Lilly..."just one question, you seem to have a lot of girls around all the time that you are infatuated with so why are you still single? You seem to have pretty average standards it shouldnt be that hard for you to find your dream girl. And you seem to be a pretty charming guy from what you say. So why all the trouble with the ladys?"
I ask myself this question every day. But I think that is why I write alot now...because I just don't get it! I write about all of my frustrations and they all seem to deal with women...but it is because alot of my confusion comes from chicks. I don't understand some of them. The girls I meet are either too moody, too elitist (as in im the shit no one can talk to me, unless they are fricken hot), too stuck up, too boring, too obsessive, too caught in their own little world of guy problems that can easily be solved by opening their eyes and looking in front of them, too picky, too insecure, too involved, too beautiful and of course too uninteresting. Alot of girls i know dont know the meaning of fun, or a good time, or aren't willing to take a chance in life. You only live it once...if it won't kill you it is worth a try.
And I let girls know that I am interested in them...like I can think of a few specifically. I tell them just what I find beautiful about them every chance I get so that they know that I pay attention to them on a day to day basis, wanting only to learn more. I always look directly into their eyes when they talk, giving all of my attention. I notice their moods so I can be the first one to make sure that they are ok and if they might need something or someone to talk to. But most of them don't respond or haven't made it obvious enough yet. And some that I find to be the most intriguing usually already have boyfriends...which are usually the big cocky assoles...some of those girls have extreme guy problems and I tell them all the time that some people won't change, and you cant change them.
Is it me, or do girls like knowing that they can change guys? Because I think that any girl who is still struggling with a guy who treats her like shit and uses her, the girl either gets all determined thinking that she can change him into what she wants or is stuck on the thought that maybe she can make him love her. LISTEN UP! Most guys aren't going to budge for a girl unless they are getting any...and even then, it is an illusion. And for god sakes, get a clue...if he says he loves you, and it just so happens that you gave it away to him, uh, can we say DUH! Especially if he is already looking for someone else. For cryin out loud, can you respect yourself after that? Get smart, find someone who loves you for who you are and not what you can give to him. Your heart doesn't lie in but one place..last time I checked at least! I really pray that other girls don't have this same obsession.
Then I've thought, is it me? And it very well could be...because I am outgoing and nice...that scares a lot of girls. They aren't used to a little fun and excitement when it comes to being grateful for every day. No matter what, every day has something good to bring, even though you may not realize it until months later. I may be too forward for some girls when i actually get the nuts to talk to them...because I am shy when I talk to girls. So then I ask "What to do since the stereotypical thing for a guy to do is to be the first one to talk to a girl" yet when that comes about, nothing becomes of it? I think maybe there is the notion that maybe it is too good to be true. Maybe all girls are now thinking in this day where guys really dont care that it is way too good to be true that some spunky average looking kid actually wants to give to a girl whatever she wants, really! I mean, all I want is to have that feeling that some girl likes me for who I am and can see past the goofiness that only longs to have fun and the stupid comments that are accustomed to a guy who people don't really listen too when it comes to serious stuff. I can't be serious around some people, because they take advantage when they know I really care. They only pick me piece by piece however they want me for whatever they want me for...not but once can I remember an instance that a chick took the whole package that I am and actually appreciated me for what I was: my thoughts, my opinions, my advice, my compliments, my courtesy, my manners, my positive attitude. I've realized that compliments are only useful when accepted. They aren't rated on their veracity or how much they come from the heart, rather on who they come from and the appearance plus the acceptance of that person. A dickwad with sex on his mind can tell a girl that she has a nice rack or nice hair, and then I could tell a girl that she is the epitome of beauty, and you know who would win her over...
So why should I pick...I've been saying that alot lately. I usually pick the girls I find personally attractive. It's tiring to choose and to lose.
Why don't girls just pick...let the girls do all the searching. You can go through all of the rejection and the hurt. It sickens me to discover how shallow some people are when your intentions are truly honest and you only care to discover a unique person to care for among the diverse population of idiots and careless, popularity-driven imbecils that pervert society as the gateway to loneliness. But regardless, I know that not every one is like they seem. So I don't give up, I keep trying...and every now and then a new face will pop up and a chance for companionship arises, and if anything friendship is the next best thing. I believe something: that all incredible relationships stem from friendships. It acts as a solid basis for any relationship, and I find it amazing when two people can form both of those bonds. Because if one fails, the other supports it. That's why I am fond of forming a friendship with any girl I meet...because it is when two people become close in friendship, then the true self is revealed, and you can look past that appearance bullshit.
We all put up a front in our society; to be accepted, to be looked at, to be facilitated into our future roles as members of a group of some type, to block others from jumping in, to allow others to be more curious. There are many reason why everyone can't be just a bunch of nice people. Mostly because of the way they were brought up. That's why I shun the neglection of affection within a family. Without love of some type, there would exist no alterior motives for our own existence. When all the money in the world is achieved and the power to go with it, it gets bored quick and you begin to realize that it is just a made up concept. Money; only a word. It can buy hapiness, but only when shared with someone you love. Nothing more to it. In love, you discover something new, and there will always be that something new to find in that special person. You discover a meaning of life, a reason for being, maybe the nature of human behavior, and you marvel in its beauty as a creative design from our maker. You can never go wrong looking for the perfect person...you will fall short everytime. But it is your choice and your loss if you don't try to peel yourself away from the hurt and loneliness you feel now and give someone a chance to give you something you've never had nor experienced.
So to the girls who don't give a shit about my feelings, think that I am just pretending to care, don't want to give me a chance, who suffer from IBS (Idiot Boyfriend Syndrome) and knows that they could have better, or those who haven't yet had a serious relationship and think that I am not everything they are expecting to find in this world filled with imperfection, I am really sorry...but you are missing out!
And to those yet to find hapiness, look under your noses, check in between your seats, and go digging in your closet...you just might find that buried treasure, your lost shiny lucky nickel, or that sweater that always seems to keep you warm when you need it. He's out there, I am out there waiting...still...

Potty heads

Tonight was an interesting night. I had to work as a server, and everything was going fine until all of a sudden i was taking and preparing two orders at the same time. This was because my best friend Ashley came in with her family, which she told me she would. Well, they came at a bad time, but I tried not to let them feel unwanted. So I just ran myself around the restaurant to keep up. Do you ever feel like you are being critiqued even though you might really not be? I felt like that especially since my bestest friend's family came specifically to my job to watch me work and see how i function. I mean, they were there to eat, but they especially like to observe people and comment about their imperfections later with other people or just among themselves until i am ripped apart piece from piece. Well, regardless of that, they left me a nice tip, so that made my profit for the night above average and I had a good night...well, except for something that bothered me.
I dont know if you recall Dawn the take out girl. Well anywho, she is a very cute girl, not drop dead gorgeous or absolutely beautiful, but just my type of pretty, kinda girl next door look to her, kinda chubby, but just perfect for her small petite frame. Newho, if I ever caught her interest, I would love to take her out because she seems to be so depressed in life because she is on her own financially and emotionally I guess as well (as I found out tonight). I just want to hold her tight and kiss her on the forehead, tell her everything is ok and that life doesn't suck as bad as I even can sometimes believe it to be.
So anyways, I had just got done with a table's order, and noticed her a lot less happier than she usually is. Naturally, I went over to see if she was ok. She said that she was just depressed. Me being the one who would love to comfort her, I move towards her and give her a big squeeze of a hug and ask her whats eating her. She says that she is lonely. I tell her I know the feeling, that I am all the time (trying to give a hint or two ya know). Earlier when i had first got on, I commented on how cute she was, how much I liked being around her (I guess she thought I was just saying that, although I do say nice things to her similar to that all the time) and generally that I wish that I didn't feel lonely. Oh, and much to my surprise, she is still a virgin...the big shot hot shit pot smoking girl she makes herself out to be and she is a virgin. I felt left out some how, kinda shitty and used in a sense, as if I wanted her to have been the one to take mine from me and not the way it happened for me...although I dont regret it one bit. So, after she kept saying I need to get laid and I made it known that I had already once before and that I only act nutzo because I like the attention, she kinda acted more comfortable around me yet alienated herself from me. So naturally when later that night she actually stepped aside and let me ask her what the matter was, I felt like she really wanted me to be the solution to her problem. She had watery eyes, but not yet developed enough to roll off of her rosy cheeks and wastefully to the ground. I really feel for the girl...as cold and as clueless as she can be most of the time, I do really. Maybe it is just that "I want to change the world" notion that I have inherited from my mother, but I know that I care about her more than just wanting to say I helped this helpless girl out...thats not what it is about. Ive always wondered what is with this chick, and why she acts like she would have a great time with me, yet when I offer to take her out, she takes me for a fool just proposing an option for the sake of doing so, to carry on the conversation, to make it a joke or to just plain speak so that she can feel as if she listened and move on to her next task. Then later she will think to herself that she did me a favor by listening and she'll ask me to do something for her, even though chances are I have already offered to do it knowing that the nicer I am to her, the more maybe that she will think I have something for her. So, she left and as she was doing so, I tried to say goodbye to her to let her know i acknowledged her exit and kind of wished that she wasn't leaving. USELESS me! I don't know why I bother with her, or any girl completely into themselves...you act as nice as possible, and they just don't get that you are interested in being their reason for hapiness and love, or at least belonging.
I said goodbye to the new server girl Shawna, cute li'l Tampa Bay chick with curly black hair, boxy preppy girl black glasses, and a beautiful smile with eyes to match. I knew she could make me feel better, since she appreciates a guy who doesn't just want her for the tail and maybe wants to talk to her, get to know her, and/or listen to her...When she talked to me about licking my eyeball (don't ask) I could have listened forever if she kept going. There is more to the eye (no pun intended) and to the ear with this chick and she has lots of it just ready to leak out, but I gotta look for the right place to find out more about her. Little by little with this short stack of intimidating beauty and maybe I'll make a new friend that I can have fun with and talk to at work.
Speaking of new friend, monday night after work, I started talking to this girl Emily who goes to UCF and also came from Tampa. We couldn't stop talking! It was great to finally meet a chick that could hold a conversation...I mean, about anything and everything...so I stayed later than i was sposed to after my shift was done...for about another hour and a half to be exact. Walked her out, talked more about her and her past, my past and present, then about our cars and what we have done to them. She was all into my car and talking about cars in general.
Freeze: Why do people smoke pot so much? Dawn does/did it too...I dont know if she still does, but she is a Catholic girl, so i dont know if maybe her beliefs caught up with her. She goes to church on sundays...am I the only one that still goes to church every sunday besides Dawn. That's why I think Dawn and I would have a lot in common. She's not the big shit she acts to be...she does it to be accepted, just like I do...thats why i am so loud and or immature around certain people, because they would probably think I was boring or uninteresting if I just talked about me and my feelings all the time. People like that are annoying if noone wants to hear it...or has nothing to share relating to it. Like the two girls i sit with during breaks...always talking about themselves and their problems, never curious about other people's lives or interests, always waiting for guys to come to them, walk their way. Neways, ...if you want a weed, go out back, pick one and light it. You want a natural high that feels real? Try love sometime, or dating for that matter....it puts you higher than you could ever imagine and you aren't stupid after it is used up...you learn, never lose.
So, I really think this Emily girl will be an awesome friend, even if she does huff da cheeba. She seems somewhat responsible with it and apparently it doesnt affect her social, educational, or professional life. So if she doesn't do it around me, I'm fine..I guess. Is it that bad? she is so much cooler than having to roll one up, so she doesn't have to pretend around me. And she even has a bf and isnt all paranoid about jealousy and shit. She approaches me regardless of her engagements and just wants to meet people. I respect that in a woman...Never afraid to put themselves out there to meet people and experience the world and its diverse personalities for all they are worth.
Really, I hope that Dawn will get a clue...It's obvious that Professor Plum has a thing for Ms. White. Forget banging over the head with lead pipes, I want to get down to whodunit, so I can figure this fked up mystery as to what the hell is going on and who the killer really is...she may not be the killer...is she? And are you willing to lose the entire game just to find out? You might spoil it for the rest of those who are playing in the game, why risk it? The envelope is sealed until you get the balls to check and find out the truth...

Crack-ed head

I don't really watch the news, but last night my dad pulled me to the tube to watch a Russian figure skater drop his female partner causing her to lunge head first into the ice. She lay motionless there for i guess a couple of minutes. I just watched the footage of her actually falling and didnt catch the rest of the story, but I did hear that she was just fine. Seriously, though, its amazing that her head didnt crack! Really, on solid ice like that and the way her head dropped like a concrete block, it is amazing that she didn't splatter blood all over the ice. It just goes to show you that miracles do exist in some small way...either that or Russian chicks have hard heads! I'm guessing both right now!
On a completely different note, have you ever noticed that staring at someone is kind of useless and sometimes depressing. I think that it is usually because you find them attractive or you are just trying to figure them out as if their facial structure or physique will tell you all. Either way, you cannot get the desired response you want or the epiphany moment that you think will come to be. You just sit there, eyes fixated on the inanimate beauty, dazzled at the sight and awed at the patterns that form what God has given us on this incredible earth. And it just confuses you more and more and more, thus it becomes your object of struggle and want for understanding. The only time I ever remember discovering something revealing about another face is when the channels and gates were opened in another girl's eyes when mine were directly across from hers. That was along time ago though. I miss that passionate gaze, purposeful yet blank in a mindmaze of pigmentation, aqueous humor, and lashes concealing at every blink. I don't get that much anymore. If anything it is just a passing glance...not necessarily in motion, but even when seated nearby. It's amazing how many people never have steady eye contact. I have realized that I have adapted to that bad habit. Every morning I just walk to class, hands warm in pockets, eyes at my shoes, thinking aimlessly. I see someone and i just lower my head after getting the notion to lift it. After keeping my head up for so long, always smiling at people, eyes sending out only good vibes, and having people look at you like you were nuts or trying to bring their bad mood down, it is impossible to keep myself from being shy. No one believes me when I say i'm shy, but thats because I just act happy all the time and outgoing so they don't see that im shy when it comes to being the real me. I don't think anyone close to me will ever know me for who I am really inside, except for maybe my mom and one other person. So for that other person, and whoever else that knows me truly or wholeheartedly desires to, Thanks!

Booobs

Im glad someone agress. Its disgraceful how chicks let them hang out thinking that they will latch on to some guy's heart instead of their eyes. And its dumb how girls let guys date them not knowing that they are with them for looks. The world lacks in personality and respect, there is no reason to settle and not look for someone with something unique to offer! (Just to note, this definitely does not apply to all girls...only a minority that I have known apply, all other chicks really arent included...not a stereotype at all, just a thought for those who realize or dont realize!)
I'm not saying that all girls or just girls are superficial, I just mean to make it known that a lot of people judge primarily on looks before personality, which is the god awful truth when you think about it. You say you want someone who is fun, exciting, has an opinion, wants to get to know you and who respects you, but i bet that if you look around you, there are at least a hundred other people beside the one that has caught your attention (physically) that will be that for you, but we as humans turn our heads first towards those who are deemed by society as "hot" or "gorgeous"...then we neglect the others and miss out while someone else has picked up on that cool person. I think its all a factor of opportunity and taking it before it leaves us. Also, chance plays a role as well...if I am in class and by chance say something interesting that someone similarly believes is interesting as well, then they will become interested, and whatever happens after that is based on the level of attraction whether physically or intellectually, which ever matters most to each person.

Indecision?

Here's a question: What do girls really care about when it comes to choosing their guys? Do they always want the buff idiot, or do some really want the average looking nice guy? Do chicks really take the time to investigate and really get to know someone before they jump into a relationship or is it just a quick glance at a 6 pack that drives a girl to want something that ultimately will hurt her? Don't women want to be treated properly, like the ladies that they are? Honestly, I believe that there is a low abundance of courteous people in the world, and it just seems like they settle for what is in front of them. I think chicks also have greater emotional attachments when being pushed away, neglected or used. It keeps them fighting to change these brutish men into gentlemen when really they will probably never change. You cannot get a guy to fall in love with you if he doesn't have the will to do it in the first place.
Also, all you beautiful girls out there, you have it almost just as bad. Guys love to date pretty women just to say oh boy I have a hot chick. Then they get strung along to be instruments of bragging. They arent talked about in the way that they emote themselves to the guy, rather they are talked about as if to pluck apart each physical attribute and exalt it as the holy grail for the relationship game.
And here's the trivial issue behind cleavage: Chicks don't want it to be looked at, but they don't cover it and actually take the effort to exxagerate it; powder, glitter and all. I mean I will always appreciate a nice pair of boobs, and by all means flaunt your god-given beauty and curves, but just don't do it if you want a guy not to look at them...I mean come on, duh! I make it a habit always to make eye contact, and I allow myself one quick glance a day per pair only if they are popping out. I used to have a friend who would stare at them as if they were a girl's eyes and they could see out of them...what a gentleman!
Word of advice: Don't settle with a guy who makes you cry all the time until you have played the field and maybe at least gone out once or twice with a true gentleman who will appreciate your feelings and actually listen to you. What is there to LOSE but to discover that you can find hapiness around the corner: you just have to take the path you might not normally take. I regret not ever dating alot in HS and now it is hard to find a truly nice girl who wants to have fun and not focus on the negative aspects of life (aka bitchy). Not all girls are bitchy or whiney, i just can't find any who arent that are open for conversation. You don't have to be absolutely gorgeous to find someone, you are probably just have high standards. I learned that 5% of the entire population actually looks like the hot guys and models on tv and in magazines. Don't set your hopes high for a blond haired, blue eyed surfer dude complete with ripped abs, a tan complexion and the good boy personality. Doesn't exist in great numbers. Appearance only exists in the physical world, far less that what you can obtain through the spiritual world where hearts collide and souls combine.
That was my thought for today! Hopefully girls realize these things and aren't as oblivious as they sometimes seem to be

Family makes you cry the hardest...

Last night was a horrible night for me...I cried big time, and I hadnt done that for quite some time...I literally bawled my eyes out...lets see, i came to meet my parents at my grandmother's house because they had just returned from Epcot for the day. They are playing poker...we always play cards in my family, so naturally I joined in having money to bet. So my brother automatically states that he doesnt want me pissing him off tonight and that he is in a bad mood. So naturally having already egged me on, I flipped his hat.
Pause for a sec: I have to explain my family. I'll sum it up as short as possible
My dad: My dad's dad is pretty much a money hungry heartless idiot that used to beat my dad for his own problems. He let my dad down when he wanted to go to college and tells him that he will make it up to him somehow. My dad and my grandmother pretty much grew up on their own with my uncle. So my dad had become the violent idiot that his dad was and he used to always discourage me and sometimes hit me upside the head. Anything that pisses him off, he takes out on someone else. So, I was always called stupid, idiot, retard, dumb ass, etc. just really anything to lower me so that he was the highest shit on the totem pole. Well, I used to cry alot and tell him how I feel, because he isn't the sensitive type (obviously) and try to coerce him not to down me all the time, because no one is perfect, especially him, and name calling only makes it worse. Well, after crying my brains out for so long, he finally wised up and isn't violent anymore. But he still has that foot in mouth, every one is stupid outlook in life. He is a pessimist in that aspect, always looking at the bad and exalting it to the highest extent of dry comedy, do him at least...he thinks that cutting people down, including some minorities, is funny as shit. Sorry dad, you ain't all that you are cracked up to be. So I learned to block him out, and i feel mute in doing so cause i dont respond to his asshole-ish comments and we have a new existing silence between us. And to top that all off, he likes to ask questions he already knows the answers to, like "where are you going?" or "what are you doing?" when its obvious that you are going to work or you are making a sandwich. I think he likes to know that he can know everything, makes him feel powerful. He tries to act like a big bad ass...oh, and by the way, he would kick anyone's ass, so he says...he would pummel, jab, smash, or whatever action verb he accompanies with a sound or two like he is in a comic or something...American bad ass he is, or rather American DuMb Ass because he thinks he is the best thing ever...which leads me to my brother
My Brother: My brother is 14 years old and has ADHD...now, i mention that first because it might be a reason for his problems, but I can't blame it completely on that. Here's the deal: he has become this cocky asshole that tells people way older than him what to do, tells them to shut up, and in general is quite disrespectful...when he knows something pisses someone off, he does it more, exploiting it for his own annoying pleasure. So my dad constantly gives him the verbal abuse because he isn't as quick as I was back then. I think that the hits that I got really changed me quick, but my brother doesnt get that, so he still thinks its ok to do what he is. If my dad yells at him, he says he doesn't care and tells my dad to leave him alone in the rudest way possible. Trust me, if my brother was born first, he would probably have a crooked skull from all the slaps upside the head and maybe a broken nose. But thank god that my dad has changed! He still has the worst effect on my brother tho. Because I can't spend lots of time with my brother, he immediately begins to hate me now...yet I always find time to take him to his practices, his games, and every so often I take him out to hang with me and my friends so that maybe he will mature a little in the rudeness department. Last time he went, he told my friends they were dicks. That didn't work. And also when he gets soda, he can't sit still or shut his mouth. So, my brother hates me I guess because i always turn him out of my room and dont spend as much time with him as he wants. But my room is the only place that keeps me from telling my dad off and how to run things...which isnt my place, but when I get FIRED UP like I did LAST NIGHT, I give him my piece of mind...but it just doesn't penetrate any of their brains. I started crying because I told my bro I care about him so much, only want the best for him, and that he hurts me because he is always calling me idiot like my father ONCE did and still does...So he acts like my father. I hate it! So I told him that he is afraid to admit he cares about me because he is too busy telling me what to do, and that is why he is always neglected. So he started crying, but it felt so good to get him crying, cause now I know he does care, but cant manage soo many confusing feelings in his trivial mind at this point. My dad doesn't make it easier at all. So I told him he needs to grow up and be a man and admit he cares instead of telling me he hates me so much...he only hates what he has become and can't step outside of it to realize what matters the most.
So here's the stunner, after all of that heart to heart arguing (oxymoronic, huh?) and crying, I know that no matter what I said to my dad (which was pretty much that his negative remarks all throughout our lives has ruined our family relationship and confidence level, and that he needs to change my brother's rudeness level which he elevated in the recent years) or my brother (that he doesn't have to be like my father and that he can be nicer and thus have more friends INCLUDING ME!) it will never change...I dont know why I hurt myself so much over this issue. My brother has to make his own decision, but he can't because my dad's right there to knock him down everytime he gets himself back up...and he wont listen to me because when he's rude I ignore him...my mom says thats better than yelling at him and telling him to stop being rude and asshole-ish, relating it to the fact that he doesn't have real friends that value him because of that fact. So I am the FAMILY MUTE...I can't say anything, but the feelings, emotions, and thoughts are streaming now through my fiery veins wanting to burn out of their shells and reveal the hot truth of it all. And my mom tells me im the glue of the family because i am the "good kid" and the one my bro looks up to. But how can he look up to me and be such a cock to me? I suggest to him that it isnt the way to go about things and that i am always there for him. And I hug him every chance i get because i want him to know I am there for anything. But why don't people dont just test out the open window to see just how open it can be? That goes for everyone...people are too afraid to jump in and try something when their lives are already hell. If there was one way to change it all, make life more liveable, add a great deal of hapiness, why don't these people take it. Thats why I blame it on ADHD for my brother, but other people out there dont have an excuse. WORD OF ADVICE: Don't ever look a gift horse in the mouth...an expression saying : Take opportunities when they are presented to you, or at least try them out. The least you could ever miss out on is a couple of hours you would spend wallowing in your own sorrow or self-pity. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS! I can't keep on crying for a lost cause, so I fear for my family and especially my brother who matters most to me now (the lost soul who cant find his way in his own twisted mind) when I leave this godforsaken hell hole I like to call my room and I live in peace by myself and hopefully with someone that makes my life have true meaning/hapiness.
Sorry, that was grandiose, but it has been built up inside of me for so long...and it does make my life suck. You try to be the nicest you can, be happy and live up to your expectations, but those never hold up because you are taken advantage of in that aspect, even if it is your own parent...My mom isnt a problem...ill explain her weird thought patterns some other day. But right now I have to stick my problems to the stars, wish for something better than this pain...Maybe a shooting star will pick it all up and fade with it back into space. Thnx to Lauren, now I know that there are miracles out there that exist...somewhere...

Kiss me

Do you ever just feel like you wanna kiss someone. Well today is one of those days. I met a new girl at work tonight named Catherine. Holy begeezus, she is gorgeous. Kind of like take out girl Ashley gorgeous. I hope to get to know her better tomorrow since I work alll fricken day. I'd love to go up to her, tell her how beautiful she is and just go have a nice make out session with her...lol. That would be kind of weird tho, I wouldnt want it to be so forward. I'm not too forward when it comes to beautiful women. Like today, I kept on watching this girl in a green shirt up in the lobby at school. Intellectually beautiful, sophisticated look to her...couldn't keep my eyes off of her. She caught me giving her a glance, so i did my quick smile which is like a grin but with absolutely no teeth at all. It would have meant more to her if i gave her a flash of teeth...that means im really happy and interested in something. But i felt like giving that one, it just didn't come out because I am an idiot i guess...probably because I know i didnt have a chance to begin with. Maybe if i see her again one day, I'll reconsider.
Me and my friend Kristen (not from work) were walking toward class talking about the girl and those not so easy to realize tell tale signs. I wish that girls could make their attraction to you so obvious that you can talk to them and not be afraid of rejection. When i say you i mean me by the way...I like to pretend it isnt my problem i guess. Neways, what ever happened to girls coming up to guys and talking to them? Aren't we living in the new age where chicks are just as responsible and capable as men are. I mean, its obvious that she probably didnt find me attractive anyways, but if there was some type of thought cloud that presented itself just to make it known it might be easier for shyguys and nice guys to ask out girls that they never would imagine doing so to. I personally am shy...and my friends think I am lying when i say that because I would be the first one to hop on top of a table and start dancing and singing (like i did today in the lobby)...but what it is really is to a) have a good time, b) get some certain people's attention and c) to draw certain girl's attention toward me to let them know that I am an easy going guy who likes to have fun, do crazy things in the rain, and open myself up to complete strangers if they want to know me and give me the hour of day for a change. My method hardly works. But I also get to know girls through friendship, where you can test the grounds out first without having to make a commitment. I really dont think of it in that manner, rather it is a way to get to know someone on a small personal level to discover whether they are conceited or not, if they enjoy being happy or being pessimistic, and if they are just overall generally nice females to be around. Because a caring person wins my heart over all the time above all those stuck up hot girls that strut their stuff like they got an itch and the only way to scratch it without looking unlady like is to hope the skin attached to their hip and butt fat (if they are lucky enough to have that ) will fold over and brush up against the problem spot, or their puppy dog-of-an-idiot retarded asshole boyfriend will grab it for them.
Maybe i should go up to every girl I find pretty, tell them im interested, i think they are gorgeous and say have a nice day...give them the hint, let them do the rest. Why waste my time anymore. Yes, i did at one time talk to girls up front, but they are always taken or not interested, so i give up. BTW, I did yell out to the girl in the green shirt, as i have so wittily named her, that she is gorgeous...only it was from the elevator and the doors were shutting so i didnt get to direct it to the greenish nature of her shirt and probably her eyes as well, because usually your eye color reflects the color of shirt you wear. I would have loved to make eye contact with her. Eyes lead to the soul...her soul would have gotten the picture, known i was extremely interested, that I would give anything for a chance to prove myself, dance while in a handstand, jump off the roof...whatever really...
I wish God wouldn't make me soo shy. But I wish he would make girls easier to talk to ...they are so intimidating with their pretty eyes and their tempting lips....they sort of draw you in towards them when they are so close to you, but you just cant launch yourself at a girls luscious lips, can you? Can it really be like the movies? That is, without getting slapped or completely humiliated. It is simply a grade of hubris (wanton arrogance or pride) that leads only to death and parapateia, where you find yourself in the act, and just before your lips touch hers, you realize you are jumping into a death trap, yet you can't turn back now because its too late, and you cant hurt your ego or your pride. Well, I have no ego or pride, hence the shyness. I guess the agreement is between the two pairs of eyes only centimeters away...when they are that close to each other, it is understood that lips can only belong together in pairs, one lip on top of the other, on top of the other under the other, locked in a bear hug of moist and tender compassion.
Eh, ya can't win them all, right?....the problem is I can't seem to win any of them...they have either been won or choose not to participate in the game we call love.

Friends

I really miss my friends. Seriously, everyone sucks here in Orlando. I haven't met anyone at UCF that is even a bit interesting or interested in me. I would swear I came to a college full of stuck up cheerleaders, barbie dolls, and "jock straps" as one of my friends put it once. I wonder if I messed up somewhere...did it not make enough "real" friends when i was in HS, or did I just neglect to realize that everyone only gives a shit about themselves sometimes. I can remember a really good friend of mine that I messed up with...but I am still unsure if i messed up really, you can decide I guess. Her name is Keriann. She goes to VCC now, and I just recently started talking to her again on the internet because she at one time didnt even talk to me or acknowledge my presence.
So here's the story, she had been a friend of mine in 8th grade and then HS came. So her, I, Jenny and a friend of mine Allen (which is another story in itself) used to always go to the movies together, Halloween Horror Nights having the best times ever, and movie nights at her house. I love her mom too...she is the coolest mom ever...funny, easy to joke with, and hip so to speak. So, we kinda liked each other as we got closer. So we decided to go to homecoming. Now I dated my best friend Ashley in 7th grade to 8th grade and after our break up, we had just made up in 9th grade, so we hung out alot...and she turned out to be my first love because we had so many things in common and learned so much from each other. Neways, so Homecomming came, I had a great time with Keriann, but I failed to mention that Ashley was jealous and for some reason because of that I felt like I wanted Ashley more at the time than Keriann as a girlfriend. Do you ever get that feeling, when you know that because you make someone extremely jealous you almost feel inclined to want to make their day and go for them instead because it might be easier? I think it is a guy thing, but I haven't quite pinned it down for sure yet. So needless to say, I started up with Ashley again and kind of left Keriann crying, but not leaving her entirely as a friend. We still hung out alot, but that slowly dwindled to nothing because I wanted Ashley to go places with us as well. So after all the fighting and kissing and holding hands and all in all fair share of good and bad with Ashley, naturally I became dissatisfied (especially because of the problems which caused me to cry sometimes). So, after trying to end things with Ashley, which really wouldn't happen until I found another gf because she is clingy like that, I looked. And I remembered just how great of a friend Keriann was, so I tried to hang out with her more, I drove her to school every morning when I got my first car, just tried to let her know just how much I liked her and what I would do for her because of it. So I think it was junior year...Homecoming again...I went over to her house and asked her to be my date...she said she would think about it...naturally it tore me apart because I knew that meant no. I had heard the "I'll think about it" phrase before and didn't expect anything but the worst.
*Pause* There is a couple right behind me now and they are like making out on the couch in the upstairs lounge...you know how many people have sweat on that couch and probably done other things?
Neways, I wrote her a letter telling her how sorry I was because i knew why she said no...she cried alot after the freshman incident and it hurt my chances really bad. That made it worse...so it was over, friendship, a chance to really get to know her, everything. But I learned my lesson: Never hurt a girl and go back to her after more than 6 months later (I pulled that 6 months from nowhere, but it makes sense). If you missed your chance, you missed your chance and you can't do anything about it except for not to do it to the next pretty girl that you meet. There are second chances, but as the days go on, they become less likely to happen. So word of advice for the lonely at heart, respect a girl, don't use her or neglect her feelings, and if you have something in common with her, pursue it...you can always break up later if she isn't for you...but at least you know you found out more and tried for something. I regret not dating more...there are so many sexy fishies in the sea with beautiful hearts, hook em while you can and dont skin them and eat them...
Another lesson I have learned but wont elaborate on today...Don't ever kiss a girl that has never been kissed before if she really likes you, has hormonal problems and probably wants to hump your brains out, especially if you dont intend on dating her...Dont use those type to see if you are missing out on a different type of kiss...Whoopsie.....life goes on right? She'll only chop off my Jimmy next time she sees me.
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Spontaneity, fun and love...nothing in life could be any better. Why isnt there enough love on the planet? Someone asked me what is my purpose...hmm, I think it is to talk to you right now, I think it was to cut that guy off on the way to work, I think it was to tell my mom that I love her, make her proud, spend money on that Rueban sub the other day and enjoy it soooooo much. I think my purpose is to affect everyone I come in contact with in the most positive way i can (except for the guy on the way to work...that was kind of an accident, I was in a rush...lol). I think my purpose is to give everyone else a purpose or a sense of their purpose. We are all playing parts in eachother's lives, creating a unique yet unforeseen experience in the story of ______'s life. Life is a stage and we are merely the players that act out our chosen roles and the corresponding personalities that fit those roles. I like to think of it as watching a movie in front of me...because really, you cant see your own eyes without a mirror, and even then you really cannot find the true meaning in your eyes through that reflection. When someone looks into your eyes, they can see so much more than you will ever see. Without another person, communication and intelligence dont exist, so this intelligent universe structured on unique and complex design requires us to interact with more than just ourselves to find meaning, purpose, entertainment, laughter, hidden sentiments, reason, and everything that makes us uniquely human, animal or species. That is why life is always worth living to the fullest, because it is your show, your big production...If you dont direct it, no one will, and your actors will watch you wallow in your own self-pity as they try themselves to discover their meaning based on the next person's reactions. Then you become nonexistent in the play because you think no one needs you for guidance or as a source of purpose...but what I believe many neglect to see is that one person or those few people in the backstage who believe in you or have found purpose based on the story that you have started and have not the strength to continue. Those people will keep you in this world because you affect them in some way, shape or form as to confidently say that every person influences another however little or grand. It's your decision to raise the degree of influence on others, that is why some are more popular than others...but not necessarily because they choose it. More people might choose to be affected by that person than that person chooses to affect them. Maybe a factor of luck i guess or chance, or the great plan or divine creation or whatever...lol All I know is that if i didnt exist, then someone wouldnt have an idea or thought or notion that i existed, then the domino effect would take place and everyone would not exist for the other to and so on until the universe would not be. As life is thought to be created biologically, it all begins with one splitting into two, and those two into two more dependent on each other's DNA strand and etc. One's purpose is for the other to gain a purpose based on that original person. If the original didnt have a purpose and just died out, it would be one just passing away to give life to another one, and there would only be one total forever.
Whew, there's some philosophichal bullshit for you to digest if you are interested. Funny, I think about this crap all the time, but never really thought to write it down. This is really only the beginning of what I think the world is, but I suffer from a trait that doesnt allow me to put into words the feelings and thoughts that constantly circle through my head. Im constantly wondering WHY? and will always...but the further i think about it, it scares me...it is as if i go into these time lapses when i get too deep into thought about what would really happen if I died...would i jump into a new life and not remember anything...then when i try to get myself to feel what that would be like, i feel as if i go blank for a second then come back 5 minutes later (well not really, figuratively) but what is time really but what we make of it. For example, time seems only important when we dont have enough of it or it doesnt go quick enough. It sets markers for what we are doing with our lives at what point in time...it also serves as a reference...when we dont want to be around someone, we pretend we dont have time...but we choose not to "waste" it because we would rather use it to find something else more meaningful to "spend" it on. I dont think time exists...i think its all in our head, but the person who created us wont let us dig deep enough to really discover a formula or time warp that reveals all. We just constantly go through the hallway of doors thinking we may find a way out, but really it is a 360 degree hallway. No way out except for up or down. When we have gained enough knowledge and observation of the world and the way it works, we start digging or grow wings to fly...either way, the hall way will always exist, and those stuck in it will always pass each other by until they slam into each other going the opposite ways and either decide to continue on opposite paths, or join together and take a different direction, ultimately taking a new journey where two heads will find out more than only one.
Ok, enough of this....I might have dug too far. Time to grow my wings and fly where dreaming will allow me to venture for the couple of hours that I choose for it to last, till i am satisfied mentally...even though my body will be tired from all the work of soaring through different parallels in the universe. I guess that translates to "I get a decent amount of sleep every night, but for some reason, my body is always tired and doesn't want go get up" Dont you hate that feeling...it is quite shitty, especially when your butt is numb from sleeping on it wrong! I must have busted my ass on a rock when my wings melted from all of that hot sex in the clouds, that is in my dreams...

Serving finally

I learned today that I am going to be trained to become a server at my job...about fkin time! lol. I've been working there for almost a year, bustin my ass, and it is well overdue. Like this one girl, Katy, she comes in from another red lobster and starts working at my place. within the first month, she becomes a server. And she is so fake too. That's my horn dog of a manager for ya. He does anything for any chick when they give his dog a bone. YUCK. She talks like a little mouse when she says hi to people...kinda like if everyone was a liitle kid. Don't get me wrong, she has a normal pitch, but it just elevates rapidly when she sees someone and has to pretend she gives a shit. The only bad thing about getting this job is that the girl that has been waiting for 2 years is getting screwed over. Dawn, thats her name, was the one to tell me too. Strange how life throws things at you with a curve of irony and a fastball to the nuts. So i wasnt that excited but more upset for her because she wants it bad. She isn't that great of a people person, but she plays it off well and she needs it more than i do...but they wont make any changes to accomodate her needs. They are all assholes that only care about profit and their own reputations. So Ill just get trained, using them for that experience at least, keep looking for jobs until I find a better one where people actually have a heart for god sakes.
Speaking of having a heart, this girl at work Brandi (yeah, i know, always the girls at work, they must just come in droves of women to redlobster, right...lol) is the sweetest thing since white chocolate...well she kinda is...anyways, she is sweet, petite, and quite neat. But of course I cant have her. Who says so? God apparently, or whoever manages this life of mine. I am religious (if you can call being catholic as religious..haha) but I dont deny that there is some big plan driven by a big kid with a magnifying glass on top of our anthill we call everyday life. Who the big kid is, I dont think about it much...but i know that he/she/whatever likes to make life interesting. Newho, back to the chick, of course she is taken by some guy. But I dont shun the guy for picking her up before I did. It was meant to happen I guess, and she is a true-hearted woman, so it seems. But my primary observations don't need to go past that with her. She will still be a sweet person to be around and yet still have the capacity to allow me to enjoy being alive. Because people that take the time to smile in life really appreciate it for what it is, and I believe wholeheartedly in living life to its fullest and always finding something positive out of everything negative in this life. Sure the next life may be better if there is such a unique possibility, but there still may not be a tomorrow. At least end it knowing that you found hapiness, in whatever small little insignificant manner.
I believe that is actually the fuel that keeps our flame burning within. I think that life doesn't exist unless there is some sort of satisfaction whatever it may be. I mean, what is life really without a purpose...and purpose makes us happy, knowing that we are working toward a goal or goals. It's what can be that allows us to live on and expect the next day to be just as interesting as the next. So go ahead and kiss, go ahead and rip one for all I care, if it makes you smile, Ill smile and im happy...Good night, rock on...lol
Heres my car website if you wanna check it out
http://www.cardomain.com/memberpage/465511

Today seemed just another tuesday stuck in bed until my legs pulled me out of bed. I woke up to the telly-phone at 700 am...I missed my dentist appt...whoops. I'm not much for oral neways...haha cheezy joke for the night. I thought the appt was on thursday, my bad. Dentist's dont do much anyways, so they dont deserve my insurance money. :P
So went back to bed until 12...worst sleep i can have for 5 xtra hours. I dont know what it is, but I havent been sleeping well at all for the past few months. Maybe it's my matress, but its like only a year old. I think it is because I really have nothing to wake up for except for my daily routine to bring me to the next day. Sure I have some fun, but it aint much. More of my time is spent walking and pacing around the house trying to find something to do on a day off from school (tuesdays and thursdays I dont have class).
So I played my guitar for a bit, practiced my fingerings and just jammed a bit. I started playing the guitar about 3 weeks ago because I had always wanted to and never really had the time nor the passion to do it. But now I am looking to apply myself to something creative and what better way than music. I was in band in middle school/beginning of hs, so I have an ear for music...plus I love rock music. Ever listened to Queen, Van Halen, or some ol' school alternative Nirvana? If ever, then you really can't appreciate rock music like I have for the 14 years that I have been able to remember Boston or some Pumpkins on the radio or the tape deck (for the days when tape players were premium stereo options...hehe). So I hope that eventually I can use my passion for writing my feelings down into creating some songs. I dont wanna be a big rock star, just have something that I do to pass the time and make me feel good.
Cheesy little fantasy for you: I've always wanted to write a song on the guitar and play it for a girl that I've fallen for and have her watch me all starry-eyed as I stared at her and sung my heart out. Just to have that appreciation from a chick would flip my world upside down and make it a good life to live. But maybe one day..
So that psycho girl plan worked out I think...my other friend Sasha told her about this hicky i got about a month ago (another story) and suggested that I had a gf...well, she took the bait and asked me about it. So I used the girl from work that I would love to date, Kristin, as my pretend gf. Lol, i know, im dumb, but it worked. She told me that she was going to watch something upstairs in the guys dorm room and that she had to go. Then she said bye and ended the convo to my surprise. Her endings usually last for fricken 5-10 minutes as she comes up with another thought to elaborate on to keep me talking to her and starving a pillow to sleep on. So hopefully she will get the hint that I aint interested in her. If not, then i guess i will just have to tell her flat out that we can't be friends. She is really THAT annoying!
Washed my car today, saw Shark Tale with Ashley, my best friend, and saw Hilary Duff get PuNk'd on MTV...woof and growl...hehe, j/k...jailbait. But Lindsay Lohan, legally I can bark up a tree for her. :P nah, I'll stick to low-maintenance girls without huge butts and boobs....ok, stick a fork in me, Im DONE
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Holy, shit, I barely just made a deadline on a computer project i had to do tonight. The damn link wouldnt open up on my pegasus webpage, so i had to open it up and change the link, then reload it onto my pegasus server and then the pictures didnt transfer with the page...and that was like 5 mins before i had to send the link..
Today kinda was boring as crap, but i got through it somehow. I listened to my friend Brittany tell me how she told this girl to move on because she is annoying and she has this really bad crush on me even though she is at UF and me at UCF and she knows im not interested in her. I wanna be her friend and all, but she kinda acts like she is psycho or something, because she gets mad when i dont pick up my phone or dont leave it on. She acts like she is my girlfriend when she isnt, you know THAT OBSESSIVE type. My ex/best friend came over today, and we hung out infront of the tube for a bit. Then I fell asleep and she left...lol...MTV wasnt that exciting today, i guess.
Oh, and I ate at Red Lobster...yumm...I was reminded why I shouldnt work at a place i would eat at....you get sick of the smell of it. And I've smelled one too many pasta plates for me to finish it all...so i ate some hot spicy chicken wings at a seafood place.You know, life is boring right now. Not many people to make friends with at school because they are all in their own world when you talk to them...none of them seem to be the hang out type. And what really pisses me off is that my friends from HS that I still hang out with, they sometimes slip into that same state. They ignore you and just talk about themselves the whole hour you have a break. Sometimes I wonder why I hang around them...I guess it's because at one time we all used to hang out and have a great time. I wish that they would still want to do that with me. I would love to take them away from school and buy them all lunch...they would probably just say "yeah, we should do that sometime!" You know, the in-the-moment response...and they may actually be excited, but it just never happens.

That Night...

My clothes are drying right now, so I guess I can talk about my day until I have to fold them. All I could think about was this girl Kristin that happens to work along side me tonight and this morning as well. She said she has a boyfriend, but he's in Atlanta, so hey, at least I can talk to her. She is quite the spectacle. Short, blond, pretty smile, southern girl look and matching accent, and quite interesting to talk to. When we weren't working, we were talking about everything and anything. She even told me that she has fooled around with other women before and enjoyed it! One bone for the guys! I would have never expected her to tell me something like that. So I came to the conclusion that I had to become closer friends with her. Not because of that, but because she can have a good time in such a suckish place like work. I don't need to be her boyfriend, but she really captures something in me. So I am hoping her, I and a friend will hang out next week when all three of us do not have class or work. She seems like someone you can just have a great time with. Newho, I can't make judgment yet...Ill have to get to know her better and hang out with her before I decide if she is or isnt what i think.
I've realized that I trust people too much, and that leaves me open to easily being taken advantage of. Ok, whatever, only time will tell...I got a midterm tomorrow...not really gonna study cause it is in theatre class..easy crap i hope. Today i worked from 1045 to 900. My job sucks...I was sposed to be cut earlier than that, but of course my luck beseeches me once again.
Ok, clothes are done...tomorrow another day, same ol' routine. Hoping to bump into a girl and knock her stuff over so I can pick it up, introduce myself, and we will end up dating and discovering we were meant to bump. Of course I wont go bumping girls tomorrow intentionally...around girls at UCF, you really gotta tread softly anyways!!!


I'm not tired at all right now...I changed my screen name for xanga and now im just surfing the web on my laptop...and it is burning my leg hair off cause the fan is on my thigh...ouch. I always knew id get rid of it some how...
Work sucked tonight...my boss is a complete dickwad...he knows im the quickest and hardest working employee he has, and because of it, he is always on my ass telling me to go quicker, making it seem like im a slacker. If I wouldn't get fired, I'd tell him to go to hell, among other things. He thinks he is a stud or something, always going up to the females in the workplace and putting his hands on their shoulders. I remember one time he even pulled on a girl's hair, trying to be all powerful i guess. Isn't that sexual harassment? My friend at work suggested that he may be getting some from one of the chicks that works there...possible I guess, but not probable because the girls that I work with look for guys with a full head of hair and teeth that dont look like jail bars. I wanna quit, but I gotta find another job first cause i gotta pay for my car and insurance. It sucks when you're in a position like that...oh well, life sucks, but so does a vacuum cleaner, they can both be useful sometimes...where'd that come from? Ok, i believe im tired now...night.


So there's this girl at work...absolutely gorgeous! Blond hair, blue eyes (And no it isn't some cheezy stereotype that guys think about), lips just dying to be kissed...you know, just a truly beautiful girl. For you all who want a better image, just think of Tara Reid, but a little more down to earth and maybe a bit more mysterious. Anyways, I truly wish that this girl was remotely interested in me. She has this mystery about her that is kind of exotic in a way. You want to just walk up to her, tell her that you find her as the most beautiful creature on earth and tell her that you would do anything just to sit and talk with her, just to hear more about her life. Of course, I am a shy guy. Mainly, because I think that every girl that happens to be prettier than the average girl will not find me attractive. And I am not saying that I am ugly or anything, but girls are intimidating...
So this girl, Ashley, I would love to get into her thoughts just to see what she thinks about. Her eyes tell a story, but I can't really open the book up because she blinks every so often. And yeah, of course, she has a boyfriend. I remember briefly talking to her about him, that he was a cocky guy and maybe a bit posessive if i remember correctly. Naturally, the whole time I was thinking "You deserve so much better" even though I don't know the guy. I could only imagine him as some jock that looked alot better than I could ever. Why is it that girl's are always about that? I'm not a cocky guy, I seriously would be so much happier if I found an interesting girl that would let me spoil her. Not smother her, not ignore her, not take my eyes off of her, but give her freedom to be what she wants and go where she pleases, a girl I could trust with both arms behind my back, one that you just know will make your life have some sort of meaning when you think about her during that hour before work or between classes instead of sleeping and wasting life slowly away.
Enough rambling...I had a very intense experience tonight after work. Done with the night, I collected my tip money (I'm a busser by the way) and split it with my busser coworker. 32 bucks sounded good, but I knew I would just blow it on a tempting hot garlic wing take out or blow it on my car... A typical routine for me when money really means nothing to me. Anyways, the other guy goes to get his paycheck while I wait because the stupid managers require you to walk out with another guy. To my unforseen delight, Ashley walks up and asks me if I am leaving. Acting as cool as possible pretending to be some complete cocky asshole so she might notice I'm interested, I tell her I am waiting on the other guy Billy. So we joke with the manager until he gives Billy his check. Ashley talked about that Jessica Simpson tasty lip gloss that she had bought at Florida Mall (I do pay attention to details always, not by obsession, but rather respect). She layered it on her lips...ay ay ay...her lips. Then, being the perv that I pretend to be (don't know why yet), after she said it tastes good and makes her lips all tingly, I said, "You know what else would make your lips tingly?" She was probably thinking that, coming from me, I was talking about something sexual or stupid to that extent. I really imagined my lips caressing hers...stupid, but I know I could make her lips tingle a lot better than that expensive lip gloss. Passion for another human being is what I believe causes the best sensations in the human body. Ok, so fast forward after that brief thought... We finally walk out. She mentions she saw Billy the other day, didn't phase me really. I don't get jealous easy. Billy's a frat guy by the by. Ashley seems to be brought up on high society, though her voice almost plummets below it, a bit deep, yet attractive still. So she's probably thinking that Billy is cooler, better looking, etc. He drives a Mazda 6, Ashley a nice white Stang, me a Corolla S. See a price difference? lol. So, we talk about missing the presidential debate that was on at that time while we were still at work. She asks about the first debate...I saw it, Bush can't speak worth a darn, funny our prez can't speak for the life of him. Ashley agrees and we connected in some world of mine. At our cars finally, Billy suggests that I should lay off of the crack. No i dont do drugs...I just try to make the best of a miserable time I like to call work, so I crack jokes, act kinda goofy, talk alot, and try to be interesting to everyone and find some true friends. We all leave at the same time...I of course turn my bass-driven music up and my underbody neons on just to look cool (I think it is an ego driven thing due to starvation of attention and satisfaction with life). Lucky me, the three of us are alone at a stoplight. Show off time. I pretend like I'll race them. Both with tinted windows, I can barely see Billy's reaction when I sound my low sounding muffler by high revving, and Ashley's sillhouete glows against the backlighting of the mall lights. Funny, I could picture her face perfectly. Ashley moves up past the white bar where you are supposed to stop. I dump the clutch, spinning my wheels and creating a loud squeal to get Ashley's attention. I got up far enough to see her on her cell...probably her guy. But I showed her what i was made of...right? She did the same...
All of a sudden, she takes her shirt off while waiting at that hot red light above our heads. Surprised she remembered to put her phone down (because it seems popular girls like her have it stapled by some means to their preferred ear,) I noticed how thin and tempting she had been with her poofy Red Lobster sweat-prone work shirt off of that creamy white torso of hers. She waved it around in circles like a cowgirl. Hah, I thought. Those beautifully-shaped shoulders of hers sparked something in me...It was as if a full moon reflected right off of her silhouette and churned up a love potion of ecstasy inside my stomach. It's almost as if she felt comfortable with me. Wouldn't that be nice? I never imagined a smile from Ashley at such a revealing point in my life. I really didn't see anything below her shoulders and the outline of her bra straps, but I don't think I would have wanted to. Seeing something that sexual has to be earned through the trust that love or passion brings, however long or whether it be momentarily. Green light...I sped off thinking I was back in the race. Billy was behind. But Ashley seemed to be catching up as if she was missing out on the action ahead of her. Then, as expected like every ounce of luck and fate I have my hands on, Ashley made her turn down a different road, and Billy passed me once again back to the position he held over me before. I could not get past him again after that because of some stupid Honda, but maybe next time, because I had no desire to race for something that had no happy ending. There's a metaphor for the lonely at heart! Metaphorically, I couldn't even pass myself, I was so fired up with sexual energy. But like every race I have ever been in, it only lasts for that split second until you chicken out, beat someone in competition with you, or get caught\busted for wanting to do something that makes you feel incredible. And either way it seems that the other guy will always pass you some how, whether after you showed him just how much muscle your car has to pull off from the start quicker or when you pull off to go home down the same dark windy road that you go home by every night. The story of my life...
If girls like Ashley only knew what it feels like to have true passion for another human soul...then the world would truly be a happy place for guys like me. I'm shy, easily intimidated by the term boyfriend, and not willing to take a chance on someone appearing to be unattainable. I truly do wish and pray every night that God would give me signs, but that doesn't work. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it is and I just overlook it until it hits me right in the ass. Well, what can I do but wait...I've been waiting my whole life though! I want to change the world for just one girl who actually has a enlightening story or independent idea in mind. Together we could change each other's lives. But how do you let the world know that you are a nice guy with thoughts of his own? One with morals who doesn't have to go get wasted or baked just to be accepted. I think more than the average person because the world begs of those who listen to think upon it. It is truly a screwed up system, the world is!
All I know is that I was lucky this night to catch a glimpse of the true meaning of life. Ashley's beauty, even if only a silhouette, opens up a new appreciation for life. Eye candy indeed. God did good with curves. Who knew that a girl with an extraordinary personality and great beauty could reveal so much to a simple guy looking for love? All I know is that it is out there...somewhere...open up Ashley, you deserve much better for such a gorgeous and most likely incredibly exciting woman. Your mystery tempts me and yet tortures me. I wish you could give me just one chance, one opening to show you what love is, what it can be, how essential it is for such a spectacle as you have revealed to me. I can give you life in ways not often possible...and my life would be worth something, looking forward to giving it all away just for one true thing...I bet that I can make your lips tingle too (I'm quite affordable...just the time of day is enough!)