Friends

I really miss my friends. Seriously, everyone sucks here in Orlando. I haven't met anyone at UCF that is even a bit interesting or interested in me. I would swear I came to a college full of stuck up cheerleaders, barbie dolls, and "jock straps" as one of my friends put it once. I wonder if I messed up somewhere...did it not make enough "real" friends when i was in HS, or did I just neglect to realize that everyone only gives a shit about themselves sometimes. I can remember a really good friend of mine that I messed up with...but I am still unsure if i messed up really, you can decide I guess. Her name is Keriann. She goes to VCC now, and I just recently started talking to her again on the internet because she at one time didnt even talk to me or acknowledge my presence.
So here's the story, she had been a friend of mine in 8th grade and then HS came. So her, I, Jenny and a friend of mine Allen (which is another story in itself) used to always go to the movies together, Halloween Horror Nights having the best times ever, and movie nights at her house. I love her mom too...she is the coolest mom ever...funny, easy to joke with, and hip so to speak. So, we kinda liked each other as we got closer. So we decided to go to homecoming. Now I dated my best friend Ashley in 7th grade to 8th grade and after our break up, we had just made up in 9th grade, so we hung out alot...and she turned out to be my first love because we had so many things in common and learned so much from each other. Neways, so Homecomming came, I had a great time with Keriann, but I failed to mention that Ashley was jealous and for some reason because of that I felt like I wanted Ashley more at the time than Keriann as a girlfriend. Do you ever get that feeling, when you know that because you make someone extremely jealous you almost feel inclined to want to make their day and go for them instead because it might be easier? I think it is a guy thing, but I haven't quite pinned it down for sure yet. So needless to say, I started up with Ashley again and kind of left Keriann crying, but not leaving her entirely as a friend. We still hung out alot, but that slowly dwindled to nothing because I wanted Ashley to go places with us as well. So after all the fighting and kissing and holding hands and all in all fair share of good and bad with Ashley, naturally I became dissatisfied (especially because of the problems which caused me to cry sometimes). So, after trying to end things with Ashley, which really wouldn't happen until I found another gf because she is clingy like that, I looked. And I remembered just how great of a friend Keriann was, so I tried to hang out with her more, I drove her to school every morning when I got my first car, just tried to let her know just how much I liked her and what I would do for her because of it. So I think it was junior year...Homecoming again...I went over to her house and asked her to be my date...she said she would think about it...naturally it tore me apart because I knew that meant no. I had heard the "I'll think about it" phrase before and didn't expect anything but the worst.
*Pause* There is a couple right behind me now and they are like making out on the couch in the upstairs lounge...you know how many people have sweat on that couch and probably done other things?
Neways, I wrote her a letter telling her how sorry I was because i knew why she said no...she cried alot after the freshman incident and it hurt my chances really bad. That made it worse...so it was over, friendship, a chance to really get to know her, everything. But I learned my lesson: Never hurt a girl and go back to her after more than 6 months later (I pulled that 6 months from nowhere, but it makes sense). If you missed your chance, you missed your chance and you can't do anything about it except for not to do it to the next pretty girl that you meet. There are second chances, but as the days go on, they become less likely to happen. So word of advice for the lonely at heart, respect a girl, don't use her or neglect her feelings, and if you have something in common with her, pursue it...you can always break up later if she isn't for you...but at least you know you found out more and tried for something. I regret not dating more...there are so many sexy fishies in the sea with beautiful hearts, hook em while you can and dont skin them and eat them...
Another lesson I have learned but wont elaborate on today...Don't ever kiss a girl that has never been kissed before if she really likes you, has hormonal problems and probably wants to hump your brains out, especially if you dont intend on dating her...Dont use those type to see if you are missing out on a different type of kiss...Whoopsie.....life goes on right? She'll only chop off my Jimmy next time she sees me.
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Spontaneity, fun and love...nothing in life could be any better. Why isnt there enough love on the planet? Someone asked me what is my purpose...hmm, I think it is to talk to you right now, I think it was to cut that guy off on the way to work, I think it was to tell my mom that I love her, make her proud, spend money on that Rueban sub the other day and enjoy it soooooo much. I think my purpose is to affect everyone I come in contact with in the most positive way i can (except for the guy on the way to work...that was kind of an accident, I was in a rush...lol). I think my purpose is to give everyone else a purpose or a sense of their purpose. We are all playing parts in eachother's lives, creating a unique yet unforeseen experience in the story of ______'s life. Life is a stage and we are merely the players that act out our chosen roles and the corresponding personalities that fit those roles. I like to think of it as watching a movie in front of me...because really, you cant see your own eyes without a mirror, and even then you really cannot find the true meaning in your eyes through that reflection. When someone looks into your eyes, they can see so much more than you will ever see. Without another person, communication and intelligence dont exist, so this intelligent universe structured on unique and complex design requires us to interact with more than just ourselves to find meaning, purpose, entertainment, laughter, hidden sentiments, reason, and everything that makes us uniquely human, animal or species. That is why life is always worth living to the fullest, because it is your show, your big production...If you dont direct it, no one will, and your actors will watch you wallow in your own self-pity as they try themselves to discover their meaning based on the next person's reactions. Then you become nonexistent in the play because you think no one needs you for guidance or as a source of purpose...but what I believe many neglect to see is that one person or those few people in the backstage who believe in you or have found purpose based on the story that you have started and have not the strength to continue. Those people will keep you in this world because you affect them in some way, shape or form as to confidently say that every person influences another however little or grand. It's your decision to raise the degree of influence on others, that is why some are more popular than others...but not necessarily because they choose it. More people might choose to be affected by that person than that person chooses to affect them. Maybe a factor of luck i guess or chance, or the great plan or divine creation or whatever...lol All I know is that if i didnt exist, then someone wouldnt have an idea or thought or notion that i existed, then the domino effect would take place and everyone would not exist for the other to and so on until the universe would not be. As life is thought to be created biologically, it all begins with one splitting into two, and those two into two more dependent on each other's DNA strand and etc. One's purpose is for the other to gain a purpose based on that original person. If the original didnt have a purpose and just died out, it would be one just passing away to give life to another one, and there would only be one total forever.
Whew, there's some philosophichal bullshit for you to digest if you are interested. Funny, I think about this crap all the time, but never really thought to write it down. This is really only the beginning of what I think the world is, but I suffer from a trait that doesnt allow me to put into words the feelings and thoughts that constantly circle through my head. Im constantly wondering WHY? and will always...but the further i think about it, it scares me...it is as if i go into these time lapses when i get too deep into thought about what would really happen if I died...would i jump into a new life and not remember anything...then when i try to get myself to feel what that would be like, i feel as if i go blank for a second then come back 5 minutes later (well not really, figuratively) but what is time really but what we make of it. For example, time seems only important when we dont have enough of it or it doesnt go quick enough. It sets markers for what we are doing with our lives at what point in time...it also serves as a reference...when we dont want to be around someone, we pretend we dont have time...but we choose not to "waste" it because we would rather use it to find something else more meaningful to "spend" it on. I dont think time exists...i think its all in our head, but the person who created us wont let us dig deep enough to really discover a formula or time warp that reveals all. We just constantly go through the hallway of doors thinking we may find a way out, but really it is a 360 degree hallway. No way out except for up or down. When we have gained enough knowledge and observation of the world and the way it works, we start digging or grow wings to fly...either way, the hall way will always exist, and those stuck in it will always pass each other by until they slam into each other going the opposite ways and either decide to continue on opposite paths, or join together and take a different direction, ultimately taking a new journey where two heads will find out more than only one.
Ok, enough of this....I might have dug too far. Time to grow my wings and fly where dreaming will allow me to venture for the couple of hours that I choose for it to last, till i am satisfied mentally...even though my body will be tired from all the work of soaring through different parallels in the universe. I guess that translates to "I get a decent amount of sleep every night, but for some reason, my body is always tired and doesn't want go get up" Dont you hate that feeling...it is quite shitty, especially when your butt is numb from sleeping on it wrong! I must have busted my ass on a rock when my wings melted from all of that hot sex in the clouds, that is in my dreams...