Hi, This is the beginning of the end

Be not afraid

This is my thought pattern, my brain tied tightly to my heart with no possibility of a loosened knot....
If you think at all that you might lose interest half way through...
If you think that maybe you'll forget this later...
If you think that the content of this will not be of any importance to you at all...
Don't waste your time...it's just my feelings..
Don't be afraid to give in, because I gave in to your eyes, fell upon your lips once upon a time and never did I let outside judgment skew the affection my heart had to offer...Look where we are now...
Like I said, I will give in from time to time, but I will never give up because:
1. I am more determined to prove my love, my care and my devotion to you and making you happy
2. You love me, and I will always be strong for you...
3. I love you, and will work hard for something so grandiose as our relationship...
4. You are my best friend, and I would never let you down...
5. I am more determined to prove to you how foolish that bickering is not worth it when that time could be well spent on each other...you'll see.
Why is it that we must always be so childish? We all make mistakes, we all have bad days, we are gonna forget to kiss that loved one of ours sometimes...it just happens that way. Sometimes, don't you wish, you want someone to just turn your day upside down, because there is nothing much left when your whole world has been altered in a similar way as such, except for the daily dilemmas that we can sometimes come upon. You want that person to just run to you as if their whole life without you cannot be fathomed, as if they just couldn't help but stare down the seconds on the clock and open wide their ears each instance a door creaked, a footstep unraveled, or a voice echoed.
So you think everything is better, once you admit your faults and say your "I love you-s", and then she doesn't even take your kisses and meaningful pleas for what they really are, which are strictly related to comfort and solace away from the great troubles of the educational responsibility that society places so heavily upon our shoulders. She takes that weight, puts it in her special equations formulated by mind and mind alone, and all of a sudden, that weight is 10 million times heavier because not every detailed second from your walk in the door was not planned perfectly to center that beautiful one around everything. I am sorry for that...I failed in that part...but only by human instinct from a hard days work.
I only crave the lips of a soul that thirsts for my love and devotion, which, by the way, stands upon the edge of the deepest and most promising mountains of hapiness and extreme fondness for that persons existence in such a dull and meaningless life. She begins to consume your every thought, blocking out all conceptual thinking of memory and its defined subgroups, yet still triggering episodic memories of hapiness and glee which you once experienced in a much happier day other than this one. I can't pretend I don't care...I cannot pretend that when I act out of anger (and in a childish manner) that is provoked by a previous childish act longing for attention and the ideal to be right (or to win) that I do not want to give in and just give her what she wants. But what she wants is to be above me and not on the same page. I guess that has always bothered me that still equality does not exist and people cannot come to terms even when intense emotion is involved...you think that a kiss will seal the envelope and send the words far far away to a place that doesn't matter or that doesn't exist.
And now because I happened to be mean in front of one of her friends, she worries about her appearance and another issue arises, about how her appearance to everyone else matters more than anything (At least it seems), so I am now labeled an asshole as a boyfriend, even though I am trying to rationalize everything to her and fix the fight for good, but she doesnt wanna budge. But I cannot be like her and always think about what other people think...that is social suicide, I become a social robot if I commit to these acts. All of my feelings, if ever they were to be criticized or scrutinized or if I even cared about the notion that someone might judge me for what I have/feel/think/love, then where would my love for you be? Nonexistent!!!! We wouldn't have what we have if we let that get in our way, so why now does that become an issue of what people see and don't understand? Think about this for god sakes, I beg you! It hurts me deeply to think that you would base your life upon what others see and would not just filter out the eyes you think that you see and the breath that you believe you feel heavily upon your neck.
And if you have to do something so bad that keeps you away from me, such as study, just do it and don't tease me into thinking that I can have you for more than 5 minutes and less that 10...because I actually do put you into consideration. And if it takes longer than that, then at least it is worth it and it doesn't add up to 5 ten minute sessions that accomplish nothing and behold no affection...just get it done and over with.
Also, I may not always be right, but why not listen to my suggestions sometimes. I mean, I just naturally do whatever your suggestions provide, being that if it makes you happy, it makes me happy...but when im already sad, and you have no suggestions but your own, I think its time to listen and comply with some of them. I'll never steer you wrong, I promise...don't worry so much about the things that don't matter that much in life.
Live today as if you would die tomorrow, dream as if you would live forever...
What if the love, the world, we lived in expired tomorrow, would you then cherish the moments that mattered most and focused on getting away from those that were foolish to bear? Ponder this, if ever you needed/wanted to talk to me about whatever was bothering you and it was so bothersome and confusing that you needed to get it out or you would not be able to think correctly, wouldn't you expect me to drop everything and focus my everything upon your eyes and your words?
It is kind of sad that sometimes I feel like I am writing to you as if to suggest telepathically what would make our bond much stronger, and I actually think that you are hearing me. It's kind of like this morning when we were singing the same exact song in our heads by Snoop Dogg, and we didn't even realize it until you sang a verse from it? Isn't that quite odd and out in the universe that we had been on that same wavelength...reminds me of the way things used to be. I never hope that you will read this because you know I am writing something supposedly "bad" about you, only that you would only want to know more about how communication between us is so important to me when so many thoughts in my mind I want to explode and propel towards your mind so that you know everything there is to Josh and I to Emily. I think that's what you want, I just don't think you have the patience...so many things bother you in the world that take you away from me, and it pisses me off, makes me want to change the world in so many ways so that this world suits you in every aspect of your desires...makes me want to make this world safe for you so that you feel no paranoia... no uneasiness and difficulty in getting what you want, when you want it. But you have to collaborate with me, cause I think I can give you that, be your master of the universe, so that you can dictate to me how to twist the tides and move the moon to your fitting.
And here's the worst part after all of this...you have probably forgotten everything already. I cannot blame you though...but often ponder if you want to know what crawls in my skin sometimes; what takes away from my confidence with you, thinking I have all of your heart. You don't remember what you do, and so you work me up for nothing. So do you want me to be cold towards you everytime I think you have done something to create tension? Should I scatter the snowflakes from my shoulders somewhere else and forget the momentary hurt that you sometimes cause until you have forgotten what has happened. And once again I tread softly stating that we both can create this tension I speak of, but I feel (hence a feeling of mine) that sometimes your misunderstanding of your side of the confrontation and what you did to me is unfounded and uselessly created. So why even start, why do we start? Don't pick at me, I won't pick at you. All I know is that I want to grow and learn with you and maybe we won't have stupid arguments. I will restate this for obvious, memorable causes....Don't be afraid to give in, because I gave in to your eyes, fell upon your lips once upon a time and never did I let outside judgment skew the affection my heart had to offer...
Look where we are now...

Going Psych-o!

I dont know why it bothers me so much, but I had no clue today that there were a couple of assignments due in Psychology that I had no clue about, and now I may not be able to turn them in for any credit...but its still possible that I may still get 75% credit for it...but it still bothers me. Maybe because I am trying to stay on track this year and it's as if someone is trying to stop me in my tracks and discourage me from doing so, telling me that there is no hope in the world for me to find hope itself. On top of that, I woke up this morning and I was sore, so my body didn't want me to get up so it could continue healing itself. So I've been dragging, needless to say, and I was waiting for something like that to just make it all that much worse.
On the flip side, speaking of being sore, I quit my side job that I have been holding on to for the summer. It has become more of an inconvenience than anything, being that I like to be free to do what I want when i want, and it has simply been a lingering responsibility that I did not want to have to think about anymore. It paid about $18 an hour, which is good, being that I would come out with about 60 bucks a week for 3hrs plus supplies, but money is not worth the mental stress that the job added to with everything else that I have to think about. Hence, school seems to be getting a bit more stressful and doesn't seem to have a point of return that will provide salvation from the uneasiness felt thus far.
Maybe I am just bored...maybe I just wish that we didnt have to work so hard to be someone when really some of us are already someone. I wish people would look for us and offer opportunities that would last a lifetime and provide for the rest of the populus. I wish that I could play video games in the morning, eat, go out to a movie, stop at a putt putt, go out to a nice restaraunt, have friends over, eat, sleep, and all the while have Emily next to me, enjoying the fun and relaxation. I just want to go outside and rollerblade, or go work out, maybe take a drive around town for no reason. But I cannot...there is too much to do and too little time. All I can hope for is Thursday to come a lot sooner. I am way too impatient!