Perspective

-Writing your thoughts down will allow you to see how you feel, but from a new perspective that you otherwise could not see.

Just got off the phone with you...did a bit of work. But I can never stop thinking about you. So I just jumped around on some sites and ended up here. www.xanga.com/inlovewithu1123 .

Sometimes I just wish that you felt the same way you did once upon a time. Sometimes I wonder if you didn't care about all the things you now care about. Those crazy thoughts that you were so confident in and even thought that Hegarty believed in too. lol It sucks cause reading those blogs made me feel so good inside, but I don't know whether I should be feeling that. The way you wrote was writing for today, our Junior year, the 2 year mark, how everything is too perfect and doesn't need to be tried as too perfect. I mean, granted, everything we have is great. I just feel it could always be better. Not in the same sense that I used to write about in my previous entries, about how I wanted more this and more that. I wish I never would have written some of those things, cause I was content always in the moment with you.
Laughing about stupid stuff, doing things together all the time, not able to contain ourselves when the other was at work, and never growing tired of each other. I wonder if that is still the case. I wonder what changed if it did.
Back then the moment is all you waited for...the moment when I would make you laugh again, when i would come home, when we would be over with a week of testing to go out on a little date. Now the moment has become years to be impatient for.

Seriously you should read some of the things you wrote.
It was almost too perfect everything you wrote.
There is no perfect though, so it must have just been too real.
I like real, reality with you in it. I can't get over that. I can get over the fact that you are fucking someone else just cause I had to. Because that's essentially what you wanted.
But sometimes I just feel like all of this is just what you want. Like its not my reality. Like I am living in some fake paradise that only exists when the bubble has finally popped for you and you're ready for me. Like you think you have me, but you don't. What do you think?

So I don't know if you have me, and you shouldn't think you do. Even though I always feel close to you in mind and body. But I think every day that goes by that you aren't mine it makes me want you less. Is that scary? Does that scare you at all? I could be gone from your life and you might not get to ask me what you wanted to that Thursday night in March. What if you weren't "so damn happy" ever again? Sure you can be happy, but can you be that overly happy as to want to throw some expressive adjective in front of the word. When i say I'm "so damn happy", im usually bursting...I'd love to see you burst again, smile like you knew what was in front of you. You know what I mean jelly bean? "Do you really have a clue? No, really??? Its absurdity..."

I know this thing between us now can work, but it just teases me more and more. You know the feeling a bit i'm sure. I can't fuck someone else for the rest of my life and want to open my eyes and see you there smiling up at me with those pretty blues of yours. It sucks. Cause I don't want to be with you tomorrow...I want you right now, as I am typing. I want to be able to walk in the room right now, kiss your forehead and procrastinate in a much better way than now. I want to caress your cheek with my lips and hold your warm palms in my hand. I want time to go faster for you and to slow down for me...weird huh? "what is time between two people anyways? Especially between people like us. Why does it have to be used as marker for relationships in our society? That's gay. Everybodys gay." Ya know, who says we have to be a certain age to be that crazy in love and go nuts with each other? We did it 2 years ago...I think it's still there, maybe?

This relationship isn't all that horrible, I will say. It's easier for me to not care as much. And you seem to be happy with it. plus you are "always looking for things to bring us closer. Not too mention that would really showcase to everyone else that we have the best damn relationship lol! (sorry can't help but wanna show these feelings off!)". I'll agree to that!

Question: Why don't you ever write anymore?

You should try it...you really wrote some inspiring material. No doubt. Read it, you'll see. You are such an amazing person when you write. You really shine when you type...almost like your smile just pours out of your words. You always thought you couldn't, but you can...anything you set your mind to. You are amazing!

Request: Take some time and write how you feel. Maybe then I'll understand. Maybe then you'll understand.

Songs that shape lives and mimic the minds...

I believe that songs can sometimes put feelings and situations into phrases that make so much more sense than just trying to explain ourselves. I bought the Fray CD and I thinks its amazing in how heartfelt it is along with the beauty of the piano in each song. I was never one to read lyrics and see what the song really says, but I'm glad I did.
"Hundred" by the Fray describes our existence better than I could have ever. It's funny how we understand what it is, but it is really difficult to describe. I guess there is no need to define it...ever. As long as we both know it, and both enjoy it. And the level of enjoyment here is an understatement. Never thought I could, but here it is as beautiful as ever. And as it develops on its own and with time, we are here in the same place in our own "now". Who's to say thats its not right...fuck the haters.
Sometimes things are better kept between two people in a mutual understanding. Otherwise people begin to judge and try to damper complete happiness at its finest. I'm glad we can still read each other's minds, still exist on the same letter of the same page. This is amazing...what a feeling! This is our little secret...lock it up deep down in your heart, let no one touch it, nor shake your confidence. Strong felines we remain.

Every lyric and every keystroke says it all.

"Hundred"
The how I cant recall
But im staring at
What once was the wall
Separating east and west
Now they meet admidst
The broad daylight

So this is where you are
And this is where I am
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred

Its hard I must confess
Im banking on the rest to clear away
Cause we have spoken everything
Everything short of I love you

You right where you are
From right where I am
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred

And who's to say its wrong
And who's to say that its not right
Where we should be for now

So this is where you are
And this is where I am
So this is where you are
And this is where ive been
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred

Castles well built

We were kids in love,
we had it all and more,
nothing outside could penetrate the thickness,
of a heart that beated as one.

We'd talk for hours,
divulged our deepest desires,
found passion never known to exist,
developed a lasting friendship.

We learned to define love in so many ways,
mainly by action, affection, a companionship,
it brought excitement to each day,
every evening dreaming until morning,
then dreaming continuously 'til night.

We spent countless hours,
every hour,
finally found each other,
and we lived in the moment,
the moment that could be our every last.

It went so fast,
too good to be real,
unrealistic but made true without care,
it was ours to live,
to which no one could mimic.

It still is,
hiding beneath some sort of reality,
pressures of the world and insecurity,
fear of missing the train,
the world doesn't matter when you don't exist.

Always thought we would grow up together,
as if we met each other in our youth,
developing a lasting relationship while we played in the sand,
not knowing we would stand strong beside each other,
as the castles we built together.

Always hoped we would become more,
praying time possesses the answers
that will unravel the mystery of a rare connection,
this amazing love we seldom find without looking,
it found itself.

I hope we do,
successful lives sharing dreams easily attained,
old farts sharing each passing moment,
kids in love childishly fawning over one another to no ends,
without the sincerity of adulthood burdening
an unbreakable bond.
Our unbreakable bond.

We were kids in love,
lets always stay kids in love.

Convo with Laura

GirlyLJM13: jus thought I'd say "hola!"
FuzzyPyneapelz11: Hey dude...whatcha up to? in class?
GirlyLJM13: um waitin on my bio class
FuzzyPyneapelz11: ah, do you find out your scores today?
GirlyLJM13: I got parking on the first floor almost immediately after pullin in so I have time to kill
GirlyLJM13: o yea I forgot prob should check that out
GirlyLJM13: thatnx for the reminder
FuzzyPyneapelz11: lol...lucky lucky...do you normally have trouble parking on a friday?
GirlyLJM13: um well never get it as fast as I did today
GirlyLJM13: lately it seems people have been driving right past open spots..weird but trueFuzzyPyneapelz11: lol...they must be stoned...its friday
GirlyLJM13: lol
FuzzyPyneapelz11: end of the week wake and bake
GirlyLJM13: ah yes
FuzzyPyneapelz11: Im sure you did well in bio
FuzzyPyneapelz11: i can feel it
FuzzyPyneapelz11: and if i am wrong...i just owe you more drinks on a wednesday nightGirlyLJM13: oh man I'm soooo scared
FuzzyPyneapelz11: lol
GirlyLJM13: haha NO MORE drinks!! lol
FuzzyPyneapelz11: ehh, youve got the molander genes...pulling shit out of your ass at the last minute comes naturally...I couldn't believe you were biting people
FuzzyPyneapelz11: i expected the craziness in dancing...but not the biting
FuzzyPyneapelz11: lol
GirlyLJM13: haha well I'm sure I was havin' a great time!
GirlyLJM13: I am gonna skip devaney's from here out unless we start there
GirlyLJM13: I hate bein the freak show and lately it seems I have
FuzzyPyneapelz11: Well, you didnt have a hang over...so it cant be that bad...lol. You cant help who you are
FuzzyPyneapelz11: you glow stick baby
FuzzyPyneapelz11: lol
FuzzyPyneapelz11: True though...i was pretty fucked up
GirlyLJM13: lol yah that was horrible but can't do anything bout it now
FuzzyPyneapelz11: and starting there might be a good idea for the money
FuzzyPyneapelz11: 10 bucks and everything your heart desires....ahhh
FuzzyPyneapelz11: the beauty of life
FuzzyPyneapelz11: lol
GirlyLJM13: I jus wish em didn't go around talkin about it..I think it gives her kicks to embarrass me
FuzzyPyneapelz11: i know
FuzzyPyneapelz11: shes like that...shell reveal stuff about you in front of people to make her feel good...lol
FuzzyPyneapelz11: she thinks its funny, but sometimes hurtful
GirlyLJM13: I hate to think that but now that I'm living with her and interact with her on a daily basis I think it's true
FuzzyPyneapelz11: it is...shes immature in that sense...she has A LOT to learn
FuzzyPyneapelz11: what happens in Vegas stays in vegas
GirlyLJM13: I hate that about her..now I remember why I never chilled with her and absoultely hated her my later years of highschool
GirlyLJM13: lol
FuzzyPyneapelz11: Kind of like the gossip queen
GirlyLJM13: yes she really is
FuzzyPyneapelz11: always wants to be the first to put up pics and comment someone
FuzzyPyneapelz11: Myspace ruuules that girls world...not saying myspace is horrible....just to an extent
GirlyLJM13: all I know is that if she mentions embarrassing shit about me I am gonna tell her to shut the fuck up as politely as possible
FuzzyPyneapelz11: lol...eh, the beauty of it is that you dont have to be polite...cause she is your sis and she always be
GirlyLJM13: yep you nailed it..and this is the love of your life???
GirlyLJM13: CrAzY boy you are
FuzzyPyneapelz11: somebody needs to be mean to her....dude, i dunno...
FuzzyPyneapelz11: thats why we are apart
GirlyLJM13: lol I give you mad props josh
FuzzyPyneapelz11: I couldnt be with someone that isnt all about me
FuzzyPyneapelz11: I told her to shape up or ship out
FuzzyPyneapelz11: she shipped out
GirlyLJM13: yea I know how that goes ..good for you
GirlyLJM13: somone needs to lay down the rules
GirlyLJM13: lolFuzzyPyneapelz11: so she forfeits the chance to be with someone that will make her feel like a princess for as long as she chooses
FuzzyPyneapelz11: But she is a good friend...and so are you, so i like being around you two and having fun
FuzzyPyneapelz11: thats all i am concerned with...I need to work more on doing my own thing so she doesnt think she has me around her finger
GirlyLJM13: yea she is good people but in relationship us molanders are shitty
FuzzyPyneapelz11: cause i know she thinks that....well, thats what she has said
FuzzyPyneapelz11: Its funny, she said I am a bitch and i am a horrible gf
GirlyLJM13: yea she does think that and its good what your doin
FuzzyPyneapelz11: never took it to heart...because i thought that by being so wonderful to her, she would change
FuzzyPyneapelz11: so maybe by not giving her that anymore it will change her...or not
FuzzyPyneapelz11: Thanks
GirlyLJM13: yes she is tho and she knows but doesn't know how to change that
GirlyLJM13: worth a shot
FuzzyPyneapelz11: She'll learn...yep
FuzzyPyneapelz11: she needs to mature a bit
GirlyLJM13: she HAS to come around eventually..I think of hyla's situation with eric FuzzyPyneapelz11: she needs to realize that... that life is short and that everyday presents a challenge...so to find something great and hold on to it is to live life fully
FuzzyPyneapelz11: but she'll see...I just worry that I am gonna find someone better and hurt her
FuzzyPyneapelz11: everything about her is great minus her insensitivity
GirlyLJM13: yea same here
GirlyLJM13: yep
GirlyLJM13: completely agree
FuzzyPyneapelz11: so if someone can fill that void and still be like emily, then ive got it made..lol..j/k...but sometimes you have to take the good and outweigh the bad
FuzzyPyneapelz11: which i have done alot...and I still would...but emily is not ready for me...
FuzzyPyneapelz11: oh well
FuzzyPyneapelz11: lol
FuzzyPyneapelz11: se la vie
GirlyLJM13: nope she's not I think she needs single time like she said but this whole ryan crap is jus getting in the way
FuzzyPyneapelz11: I know
FuzzyPyneapelz11: I agree...completely
GirlyLJM13: she wont listen to anyone of us tho
GirlyLJM13: guaranteedFuzzyPyneapelz11: its because she doesnt do well single....and she doesnt see it
FuzzyPyneapelz11: she doesnt see that she goes from bf to bf because she wants/needs that
GirlyLJM13: yea seriously she sux as a single gal
GirlyLJM13: yep
FuzzyPyneapelz11: lol...she is afraid, insecure,
FuzzyPyneapelz11: I feel for her, but like you said, she wont listen
GirlyLJM13: yes very insecure and thats just ridiculous
FuzzyPyneapelz11: i know...she is an amazing woman if she would just apply herself to the right situations
GirlyLJM13: yes yes
FuzzyPyneapelz11: bitch, but an AMAZING bitch...or a magnificent cunt as that one movie says
FuzzyPyneapelz11: lol
GirlyLJM13: haha
FuzzyPyneapelz11: I think if I distance myself more, she will start to see things...and she will get bored with the whole Ryan thing
FuzzyPyneapelz11: but i fear that she will go into these random friend dating things because she is comfortable with that type
FuzzyPyneapelz11: like she wont meet new people or anything
GirlyLJM13: yep thats what ev and I were talkin bout kinda
GirlyLJM13: she has to get outta her circle of friends
FuzzyPyneapelz11: shes so stuck on her party life in tampa...when there are so many new people to meet here...and I understand holding on to her friends, but shes getting older and older....
FuzzyPyneapelz11: eventually they will begin to ditch her...and the only reason they would even stay in contact is because they would be stuck in Brandon doing nothing with their lives
GirlyLJM13: yes she is and I agree I am worried about myself goin back to tampa all the time and here she is two years ahead of me doin exactly the same
FuzzyPyneapelz11: well, you have a reason, Laura...you are still young and in a new situation
FuzzyPyneapelz11: and I see you growing and adapting alot quicker
FuzzyPyneapelz11: Its kinda good that your sis is this way and you get to see it
FuzzyPyneapelz11: cause you already know what she doesnt
FuzzyPyneapelz11: that puts you ahead of the game
GirlyLJM13: I guess
FuzzyPyneapelz11: I know
FuzzyPyneapelz11: what do you feel about your living situation for next year? FuzzyPyneapelz11: or even now?
GirlyLJM13: geez I prob wont wanna be with em again but I guess I don't mind if someone from brandon came out here to give me and her a break
FuzzyPyneapelz11: yeah, seriously...it would be nice to have a different roomie other than your sis...you gotta experience college life with someone your age..
GirlyLJM13: yep exaclty
GirlyLJM13: we'll see who all I can round up
FuzzyPyneapelz11: Brittany is thinking about coming isnt she
FuzzyPyneapelz11: lol
GirlyLJM13: yes she is and I really would love havin her at this point
GirlyLJM13: we'll she's thinkin bout it
FuzzyPyneapelz11: whats holdin her back? she gets to hang with you...how awesome
FuzzyPyneapelz11: i know, im a kiss ass
FuzzyPyneapelz11: but im good at it
GirlyLJM13: lol
GirlyLJM13: funny funny
FuzzyPyneapelz11: lol
FuzzyPyneapelz11: well, I hope you get a good score on your bio exam...Im gonna go run some errands...enjoy class and tell your lovely mother I miss her soo much...I'd love to take you girls (mom included) out to lunch on me so if there is some time before she leaves, tell em to gimme a call
GirlyLJM13: otay and I will send love
GirlyLJM13: bye josh!
FuzzyPyneapelz11: Seeya Buckwheat
FuzzyPyneapelz11: lol
FuzzyPyneapelz11: Bye wa wa