Family makes you cry the hardest...

Last night was a horrible night for me...I cried big time, and I hadnt done that for quite some time...I literally bawled my eyes out...lets see, i came to meet my parents at my grandmother's house because they had just returned from Epcot for the day. They are playing poker...we always play cards in my family, so naturally I joined in having money to bet. So my brother automatically states that he doesnt want me pissing him off tonight and that he is in a bad mood. So naturally having already egged me on, I flipped his hat.
Pause for a sec: I have to explain my family. I'll sum it up as short as possible
My dad: My dad's dad is pretty much a money hungry heartless idiot that used to beat my dad for his own problems. He let my dad down when he wanted to go to college and tells him that he will make it up to him somehow. My dad and my grandmother pretty much grew up on their own with my uncle. So my dad had become the violent idiot that his dad was and he used to always discourage me and sometimes hit me upside the head. Anything that pisses him off, he takes out on someone else. So, I was always called stupid, idiot, retard, dumb ass, etc. just really anything to lower me so that he was the highest shit on the totem pole. Well, I used to cry alot and tell him how I feel, because he isn't the sensitive type (obviously) and try to coerce him not to down me all the time, because no one is perfect, especially him, and name calling only makes it worse. Well, after crying my brains out for so long, he finally wised up and isn't violent anymore. But he still has that foot in mouth, every one is stupid outlook in life. He is a pessimist in that aspect, always looking at the bad and exalting it to the highest extent of dry comedy, do him at least...he thinks that cutting people down, including some minorities, is funny as shit. Sorry dad, you ain't all that you are cracked up to be. So I learned to block him out, and i feel mute in doing so cause i dont respond to his asshole-ish comments and we have a new existing silence between us. And to top that all off, he likes to ask questions he already knows the answers to, like "where are you going?" or "what are you doing?" when its obvious that you are going to work or you are making a sandwich. I think he likes to know that he can know everything, makes him feel powerful. He tries to act like a big bad ass...oh, and by the way, he would kick anyone's ass, so he says...he would pummel, jab, smash, or whatever action verb he accompanies with a sound or two like he is in a comic or something...American bad ass he is, or rather American DuMb Ass because he thinks he is the best thing ever...which leads me to my brother
My Brother: My brother is 14 years old and has ADHD...now, i mention that first because it might be a reason for his problems, but I can't blame it completely on that. Here's the deal: he has become this cocky asshole that tells people way older than him what to do, tells them to shut up, and in general is quite disrespectful...when he knows something pisses someone off, he does it more, exploiting it for his own annoying pleasure. So my dad constantly gives him the verbal abuse because he isn't as quick as I was back then. I think that the hits that I got really changed me quick, but my brother doesnt get that, so he still thinks its ok to do what he is. If my dad yells at him, he says he doesn't care and tells my dad to leave him alone in the rudest way possible. Trust me, if my brother was born first, he would probably have a crooked skull from all the slaps upside the head and maybe a broken nose. But thank god that my dad has changed! He still has the worst effect on my brother tho. Because I can't spend lots of time with my brother, he immediately begins to hate me now...yet I always find time to take him to his practices, his games, and every so often I take him out to hang with me and my friends so that maybe he will mature a little in the rudeness department. Last time he went, he told my friends they were dicks. That didn't work. And also when he gets soda, he can't sit still or shut his mouth. So, my brother hates me I guess because i always turn him out of my room and dont spend as much time with him as he wants. But my room is the only place that keeps me from telling my dad off and how to run things...which isnt my place, but when I get FIRED UP like I did LAST NIGHT, I give him my piece of mind...but it just doesn't penetrate any of their brains. I started crying because I told my bro I care about him so much, only want the best for him, and that he hurts me because he is always calling me idiot like my father ONCE did and still does...So he acts like my father. I hate it! So I told him that he is afraid to admit he cares about me because he is too busy telling me what to do, and that is why he is always neglected. So he started crying, but it felt so good to get him crying, cause now I know he does care, but cant manage soo many confusing feelings in his trivial mind at this point. My dad doesn't make it easier at all. So I told him he needs to grow up and be a man and admit he cares instead of telling me he hates me so much...he only hates what he has become and can't step outside of it to realize what matters the most.
So here's the stunner, after all of that heart to heart arguing (oxymoronic, huh?) and crying, I know that no matter what I said to my dad (which was pretty much that his negative remarks all throughout our lives has ruined our family relationship and confidence level, and that he needs to change my brother's rudeness level which he elevated in the recent years) or my brother (that he doesn't have to be like my father and that he can be nicer and thus have more friends INCLUDING ME!) it will never change...I dont know why I hurt myself so much over this issue. My brother has to make his own decision, but he can't because my dad's right there to knock him down everytime he gets himself back up...and he wont listen to me because when he's rude I ignore him...my mom says thats better than yelling at him and telling him to stop being rude and asshole-ish, relating it to the fact that he doesn't have real friends that value him because of that fact. So I am the FAMILY MUTE...I can't say anything, but the feelings, emotions, and thoughts are streaming now through my fiery veins wanting to burn out of their shells and reveal the hot truth of it all. And my mom tells me im the glue of the family because i am the "good kid" and the one my bro looks up to. But how can he look up to me and be such a cock to me? I suggest to him that it isnt the way to go about things and that i am always there for him. And I hug him every chance i get because i want him to know I am there for anything. But why don't people dont just test out the open window to see just how open it can be? That goes for everyone...people are too afraid to jump in and try something when their lives are already hell. If there was one way to change it all, make life more liveable, add a great deal of hapiness, why don't these people take it. Thats why I blame it on ADHD for my brother, but other people out there dont have an excuse. WORD OF ADVICE: Don't ever look a gift horse in the mouth...an expression saying : Take opportunities when they are presented to you, or at least try them out. The least you could ever miss out on is a couple of hours you would spend wallowing in your own sorrow or self-pity. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS! I can't keep on crying for a lost cause, so I fear for my family and especially my brother who matters most to me now (the lost soul who cant find his way in his own twisted mind) when I leave this godforsaken hell hole I like to call my room and I live in peace by myself and hopefully with someone that makes my life have true meaning/hapiness.
Sorry, that was grandiose, but it has been built up inside of me for so long...and it does make my life suck. You try to be the nicest you can, be happy and live up to your expectations, but those never hold up because you are taken advantage of in that aspect, even if it is your own parent...My mom isnt a problem...ill explain her weird thought patterns some other day. But right now I have to stick my problems to the stars, wish for something better than this pain...Maybe a shooting star will pick it all up and fade with it back into space. Thnx to Lauren, now I know that there are miracles out there that exist...somewhere...