"Here I am, stuck in the middle with you..."

"Thought for the day! Its a shitty feeling to know no one trusts you, no one understands you, that everyone judges you except the girl you are not supposed to talk to...not even your own gf who you swore undying love to in the past, the present and for the future...its ok though...I understand somewhat...its not all your fault...I understand why it has to be this way...it just sucks not to have anyone support you...but here i am, here I've always been supporting you...I need a hole to hide from everyone..."

I fucked up. We all make mistakes. Its part of growing up and learning. I didn't kill anyone, I just shot a deceitful bullet of lies into the crowd to show everyone that I wasn't the pathetic, hopeless romantic led astray. Everyone said that I deserved better, that I loved her too much...now they say that she deserves better. But do THEY really count, or really know for that matter, or are they the judgmental few that only long to take everyone's side and play the good, understanding best friend to everyone. Two faced? I'd say more than two...

"Since I am always thinking or rambling in my mind...I had a thought...thank you for never judging me and for being who you are...it has helped me alot knowing that not all people are 'like that' and that friends can still be human...no response necessary"

Here's my version of Usher's Confessions:
Phase 1. So she broke my heart by secretly not loving me anymore (or so she thought). But even when she walked in with messy hair and excitement on her morning appearance, I still kept my cool. I found out that night, when I pointed it out, that she had sex with someone else. I was expecting it since I was given to push to move out cause it wasnt working. I made her tell me it all, because we used to tell each other everything...first damage done.

Phase 2. She wanted to keep on messing around and having a pseudo relationship that consisted of tossing around sexual initiatives and lies on my part. I was so hurt and god damn jealous that I told her that I went to Gainesville and slept with someone else, and then another girl. I made it falsely known that I had a 'thing' for one of the girls (I named her Jenna) and that we would hook up in the future.

Interlude: I never knew how good of a liar I was until I came face to face with such a situation, but I relate it to my ability to express myself creatively by writing and making up complex stories from it. I was a desperate fool who just wanted the amazing love he once had, tried to preserve, and then lost to a free-spirited mind that needed to feel crazy and single before she gave her heart away. I lied to all of my friends to keep it going...that was the worst mistake. She was my best too and the one I betrayed the most. Stupid fool.

Phase 3. She began loving me again, slowly yet surely. She missed me because she knew what she was missing. I kept trying to reason with her to come back to me, that I didn't want anyone else (even though I had no one...yet). And the idea of getting back together went from a year in a half, to a year, to 6 months unto the time she found about my newfound desire for a friend's affection and my newly discovered independence. I found these two by the slow healing process that we all go through when hurt by a loved one, when thrown to the curb like a burnt-out cigarette butt.

Climax. I was still hanging out with her, feeding off of the lust we had for a taste of each others sultry skin and hypnotizing touch. It was more fun that way, but not necessarily love. I wanted love, and she couldn't give it to me. Time to utilize that defense mechanism we call Independence. I went out alot. Hung out a great deal with a girl I had always kind of had a lingering attraction for and a close friendship with. Grisel was there to take my mind off of that which didn't exist anymore in my mind. She wasn't a tool for my survival, and by no means did I use her to get over Emily. She was just there at the right time and right place, and we both had rights to be attracted to each other like we are. A great friend and someone to talk to about everything. When I saw I could survive without my lost love, I let my singleness ooze from my pores so everyone could smell it and seek it out. Emily didn't see it coming. I think she was blinded by her indecision, that confusion that made her want what she couldn't have. And then she had it and didn't want it anymore...I was the taste she couldn't have....she must have caught the aroma in her sinuses as well.

Downward phase. So I was single, and I was drunk. I kissed Grisel. I did and I liked every bit of it. And I did it without Emily knowing. I wanted something that I knew would satisfy without having to think about it so much. I just let it happen. It had every right to take its own course since nothing was emotionally blocking my way, or running after me for that matter. The problem is that there is this norm, a folkway if you will, in society that you don't kiss your friend's ex-boyfriend or your ex-girlfriend's friends, regardless of attraction or lack of action on the ex's part. I wasn't thinking about that, and to this day I am still not thinking clearly about anything really. But I was happy then. Then there is the fact that I didn't tell this to Emily either. She found out through text messages that I received. Ironic..how I used to snoop through her myspace and texts just to see her little cutesy comments to Ryan. So I was busted...I don't know if I lied about that really, but I told her all about it and the lies I told before. I felt like a child, and I was being reprimanded for something I believed I didn't do...even though I knew I did. There went my trust...

So here I am...I don't know what I have or who trusts me anymore. I just know that I can't love without trust. I've been trying to, but its not everything that she deserves. I promised that if I just obtained trust that I could give that remaining piece of my broken heart to her, but there are always stipulations to an agreement of the heart. When it's broken, and you want to fix it, the time factor really holds true. Its just difficult to bear with. I want it now because on my part, I am not in the position to ever lie again after such a big mistake. The truth shall set you free...but I cannot be true to myself and not be friends with whom I wish at the same time. That is the only way to build trust...to let things happen and let them add up by themselves. Hire a spy for all I care...just know that I am in it for love, and that having a friend that shared something with me when I was broken will not make me love you any less or love someone else for that matter. I'll never cheat on true love...but true love would never cheat the trust that it deserves to accompany it along the way.

Maybe that's what you feel is keeping me from being the Josh you fell for, because you are not letting me be that person, not trusting that I am well in that position. You make me wonder whether I am really me or not...what a weird feeling, stuck in the middle with you.

My story

Give it almost two weeks and I'll be twenty one.
Give it another 3 years and I will be graduated.
Give it another 3 years and I'll have a career.
Give me another smile and I'll keep you close to my heart forever.
That will give me 80 more years to build a life with the love of my life, make love to no ends, see all ends of the earth, make beautiful children and watch them grow, take pictures to last a lifetime, and grow old and write a novel about it all.
Its weird how I feel right now. Things were just normal 3 months ago. It was just good all around. Then the world shook and its time to put the pieces back together. But I am not sure if I remember just where they go.
I haven't forgotten how to love. I felt like I did when this started again, as if my kiss wasn't strong enough. But it's still there. It will only shy on occasion, but it longs to resurrect itself among the ashes and broken bricks of this tower of undying hapiness that once was. I guess I am just scared. Here's my reality check: I'm 20 and I believe in true love. I found it, and lost it, and now I have it again. Is it ever gonna feel the same? I hope its just that damage she was talking about.
I know I don't want anyone else. I look at the other ones and feel nothing. I might think something, but that must be human nature. As long as there is no emotion, I know who is deep within my heart. I know who I want to spend the rest of my dying days with, the length of my beautiful life, and see the beginning of new lifes that have split from each of our unique and enigmatic personalities into embodiments of our combined genes. I know its you. It has to be. No one else excites me, gives me true hapiness, and allows me to smile like you.
Once this healing has progressed, I believe we will make up for the time we lost and find each other anew. Can't wait to spend every day thinking about you.
It seems that it is time to get my life in order, make decisions that will affect me throughout my life. I am searching deep down inside of myself to discover who I am and how I feel. I no longer want to pretend to be careless or without emotion.
We all cry, we want to be wanted, and we get hurt when we lose something dear to us. Pride will bring you nowhere. Only love can lift you to new heights, new levels of self-awareness. Otherwise you are a robot of society, grinding the gears until your next paycheck has the slim-to-none chance to buy you hapiness. It's worth a try, but working without purpose puts you at the foot of the hill, pushing the rock as high as possible only to do it again tomorrow. Come on Sisyphus, wise up. We all need a hand, even though some won't admit it. We all want a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on and a body to lie next to.
Don't deny that passing glance...capture it and immortalize it in your heart. Make it a black and white, frame it, and hang it next to your bed. Wake up every morning and cherish its beauty, for its your memory, your painting of life's splendor, your story told.