Speak the Soul

I figured out the most important thing in my life today...well, almost the most important because the most important thing will come a few years later with love. I know why I cannot decide what I want to do with my life right now. It is because I am in the first phase of what I am doing with my life right now with you. Just hear me out on this because I don't want you to misconceive anything I might say as something that makes me entirely dependent on you in my life, even though you mean soo much to me. I am lost in my life without love. Love is everything that I am, everything that I am dependent on, everything that I will ever care about...not being late to work, not letting down my friends for you, nothing of that nature. I truly can only wonder what my life would be without love and that would be nothing. I am a firm believer that love is what makes us human, gives us purpose, makes everyone's world have meaning and make sense, and gives us life. It could be lack of love that can sometimes drive us to certain human functions such as depression, or independence, or being power-hungry...those are misplaced desires for love. But the meaning of life is Love...capitalized because of its importance and influence in everything. So I realized this because I woke up in the middle of the night and all I wanted was you, even though you were in my arms. Ok, I am just gonna say it...I wanted soo bad to jump on top of you, caress every inch of your warm, beautiful body, kiss you until forever and make love to you soo badly. And I thought and thought about it more because I thought how crazy it was to always want to have sex with you like I do. I mean seriously, all I can ever think about is being inside of you, feeling the depths of your heart and longing to be that close to you as if we were one body. It's like I cannot ever get close enough to you unless I fall deep into a lip-locking, tongue-tasting, lower -body love lock with you. When our eyes connect in this moment, after it, before it, I feel like nothing else matters, nothing else exists. All I want is love, true love existing beyond every rational idea of the societal world we live in with rules to govern all emotions and actions. FUCK THAT! Even though I abide by this method of existence, I do not agree. It's as if we have our own little universe set aside in our love making capacity that allows us to step across all of the boundaries of science, philosophy, mathematical logic, and technological advancement. I think love, like true love, brings you past all of this theory and puts you above all others...and I think that then and only then can I clear my head from all of this clutter of what we are supposed to be when we grow up, our career, the worldly items (such as fast cars, fancy jewelry, sexy appearance {which is bullshit because beauty truly exists in the eye of the beholder who is allowed to investigate one's own unique beauty, which makes you a star in my book}), and pretty much every thought that we are expected to know as society deems necessary.
So here's the point. I need love in my life so that everything else after that comes easy. I think that with that gift, one can do amazing things. So a career and in depth studying should come nice and easy after that...and I fear that it will come too late for me to choose the right path professionally speaking. So I'm gonna lay it down...this desire I have for you is far more than I could have ever imagined, and is far from physical. It is based on the sole necessity for belonging, affection, attention, trust, faith, passion, romance, direction, and complacency (which means self satisfaction, or being extremely content with where your life is going, pretty much in this context). I really love you, am in love with you, and I want for you to always know that you make me feel and think the most rational yet irrational emotions that could exist in a human heart. You give me a feeling that I believe no other can, and I hope that some day we can prove that to each other, because I think my life will come soo much easier with you in it. And I agree that we are strong people and can easily live without each other. So love is a choice based on a level of hapiness and connectivity. I hope by possibly having you as my choice that my life begins to make sense, and know that I cannot, I repeat, I CANNOT stop wanting to give love to everyone, but the love that I give you and want to make with you will always mean soo much more because it is soo heartfelt, genuine, and special as is the way you make me feel. I can reserve myself as I do now and not want to have sex all the time, because we both know it isnt important when it comes to time constraints, but by all means do not let the rest of this world be more important than our love. I told Ashley today that I would rather be late to work and have been able to kiss you or place my lips upon your precious body for 15 minutes than not had the chance to love you that much more at all, because my love for you is always first in my heart. Tomorrow may not exist when it comes, so I live and love for today and dream about tomorrow. Therefore, the real point is that love will always be my life, but will you be the love of my life? But even if you won't be, then I have discovered an amazing part of myself that I could not have done without your love, and I thank you and adore you, and will for the rest of my life, no matter what will become of us. I guess I can really only say it plainly, because my brain will not allow my lips to speak my heart and soul; I love you.
Oh, just a thought I forgot...haha I rhymed!
I hope the world for our unique and special relationship, in whatever sense that may be. I hope it to be a beautiful thing that we will never forget!

My brain works

It seems people always question my decision to make a decision and not be so indecisive anymore. They tell you, "Be assertive, you are too indecisive." Then you choose to make a choice and the chosen is scolded and misunderstood. How hard is it for people to understand that. I make whatever decisions in my life for a reason...and I will never allow something to overcome my ability to make decisions, so stop worrying. I'm old enough to choose my own path in life, and if you can't trust that I'm making the right decisions, then you really don't know me like you thought. Get a clue, don't be so irrational. All the answers are more apparent than you think. I have a brain, my brain isn't in danger and yours isn't working...does this make sense? Trigger any reaction?

???

Where did it go? I cannot seem to find it...maybe it's under the bed. I know it isn't on top of it...you can never find something like that on top of a bed. Not in the shower either. It's strange, I swear i put it somewhere. Oh, thats right, I didn't have it last. Last time I had it, it was taken away from me and I forgot who took it away. Maybe it will just show up out of nowhere someday when I least expect it, otherwise I'll just have to search for it and go on a lengthy journey like last time.

Rebuttal

A chick responded to my entry about all the thoughts that I had...I dont know how she really took it, but she makes it seem like I dont believe in god. Rather, I just question the world we live in and its principles. And using text references from the bible doesn't do much for me for two reasons (1) because I hate reading and (2) because doubt sometimes whether a piece of literature can reveal the mystery of someone more powerful than we, especially since it was so long ago. Ever thought truthfully that the Holy bible isnt something holy? Maybe it is an instrument of socialization, teaching everyone what is generally right and wrong and defining those things in its own respect. Like I said I believe wholeheartedly in the fact that God exists, but greatly believe that He doesn't expect as much of us as we think from a source such as the bible. There are so many questions in this world as to whether God really exists, but it comes down to faith and believing. And from that I feel that anyone can easily become faithful in something that offers that heightened sense of faith and salvation by it since it is a long-standing idea. Religion is an idea, just as the theory that we think and therefore we exist. What about Darwin's theory? Why does/did God create a world where there are many theories and ideas if he ultimately wants us to follow in his image and law? I believe God created abortion, I believe God gave every person the choice to be gay, and all that shit because it makes us happy human beings and allows us to be the unique humans we are. It would not exist if it weren't meant for it to be within arms reach. I think that abortion is wrong because you should have a great deal of responsibility before getting pregnant or actually plan it. But if it happens, then it happens, and God will not ever criticize you no matter what you do, if you believe in him, that is if he does exist. Do you have any sympathy for rape victims? They don't mean to go out and become abused on purpose.
And I don't know what the purpose of living is really, but it is something we are given to mold as our own. I never deny any possibility in this vast universe that is soo amazing in size and in scrutiny. So please don't question an idea when you have no proof that there is no other option but God, because then you are saying that a man like Hitler, who preached his own ideas and hundreds of thousands confided in him, is a God, and that man was a f*$#ing elitist pig. We can only think sometimes as humans that if we believe in something, then we always have a last resort when something bad goes wrong or there is no one to turn to. Everyone always returns to religion for an excuse to get what they want, to prove something, or to comfort themselves. Sounds selfish to me sometimes. Why not look within yourself or confide in another heart and soul? What of psychotic people who believe strange things will keep them sane? Why do they exist or even have the ability to think that way? God is the watchmaker, he simply winds up the watch and lets it go. And if anyone can prove it otherwise without the bible, then you find me a believer again in every aspect of "Gods word"...but I have yet to find complete understanding and always keep an open mind and heart, as God or whoever has given us that choice (and I venture far enough to call it our gift).
You and I both know that this universe is way too complex and the population way too diverse to make one idea the way to a mentality of utopian existence through belief. It may work in your world, but maybe some others have no need for the idea of God...maybe you can exist in a heightened state of self-faith that allows you to always be able to find hapiness in the world confidently (knowing that loving one another is the key to the most satisfying reward, being that it makes you and another person feel great...you have to experience that firsthand to know and love it that much I guess).

Too complex for life's simple things

***WARNING***WARNING***Extremely LONG, DETAILED, rAnDoM thought, but with the most thought possible from this bored, deeply thoughtful mind of mine...
Everyone seems to be set on when the end of the world is coming, as if they really have nothing better in their lives than to wait for our demise that apparently is due to the amount of sin and evil that exists in our human nature. I think that this universe is way too complex to be focusing on its end or what caused it to begin. I think that God, Zeus, Aphrodite, Satan, Mother Nature, Adam, Eve and a lamb were all having a group orgy one day in a hot tub filled with primordial soup and then God said to Zeus "Hey dude, why don't we make more humans like the ideal Adam and Eve?" (keeping in mind that Adam and Eve werent even perfect let alone good at using a spoken language to communicate like intelligent beings). Meanwhile Adam and Eve are getting it on from Aphrodite's love spell magic, Satan's masturbating in the corner, and Mother Nature and the lamb are painting lush landscapes for creation of the Earth and its many colorful sceneries. Who really knows how the world came about? I mean, you could really lose yourself in a thought like that...shit it took me like 5 minutes just to come up with that analogy (the Satan thing came easy ***no pun intended***). Not one human is perfect in this world, only thought perfect through relativity to other creations in this universe, or made up ideas of it. So we are bound to sin. We give others the idea that the time that we occupy in this, our universe, is not good enough for "God" or his standards, that he would be more pure and kinder. Well, why do we have the choice to be evil or good, why be given the opportunity to say the wrong thing when the right things are in our heads? I believe in God, don't get me wrong, but I am starting to see a pattern...our lives are filled with choice and responsibility. You choose what you will, but be prepared with a full army of responsibility to shoot down any opposition that might come your way. God gives us the choice to be as we will, and I think issues such as gay rights, abortion, sins of the mind, body and voice are all just aspects that power hungry individuals try to control to feel better about themselves. Those are the few who are empty and poor in spirit and need to resort to petty options to satisfy their being. Leave everyone alone and let them do what they want as long as it doesn't take away from life and make it worse. We should be glad to exist in such a lenient world where our deepest desires can be realized from a breath short of tomorrow or the person sitting next to you. It's what you make of your life that really defines YOUR life. And the reason why almost everyone generally finds killing as a bad thing is because they don't want to imagine a person that comes from the same universe as them having their whole life filled with chance and decision to be taken from them outside of their own wants and aspirations. You can't put an end to the story when the author has not thought it out that way, or the Editor hasn't put in his two sense for a change of ending that makes sense to our universal laws. Noone wants to watch Neo die thirty minutes into The Matrix when someone has already decided that he will save Trinity just once more before she sacrifices her chance at life for the one she loves. Then comes the question, though, of whether if God exists if our lives are already predestined and decided as if the story is already written and we are just slowly reading our own novels in detail front to back, and occasionally skimming a couple of lines of those who exist along with us.
Anyways, got lost on a thought, but duh, thats just me I guess always thinking.
So if the world is gonna end and someone knows when, then it makes me wonder how they know such a thing if those Elite are subjects to a higher form of existence and intelligence as we all are. Are there different levels of being? Are there ways to reach those levels? Do substances really cause you to enter a different dimension of thought that brings you higher than the rest? Not saying that you are truly competent when you are fucked up, but then again, how much more do you think when you are in comparison to sticking to your daily life's routine and organized thought patterns? Yet again just another thought. But coming to the point, I wonder if these "prophetic" visions are things seen in dreams. I have realized in my many years of dreaming that there are three types of dreams: situational-realistic, conceptual-idealistic and a combination of the two (I'll just call it prophetic for the sake of the argument at hand)...Just made these terms just now; not really trying to sound smart though, just using words to describe. But the realistic ones seem to use daily happenings and formulate a situation that resembles the day's activities and interactions with people. This is usually probably when something or someone impacts you positively or negatively. And when your day is really not too impactful on your life in the overall picture (or you simply just dont give a shit about anything that day), then your memory kicks in and you have random relapses of your brain that remind you of the interval of time in a more detailed manner. Then there is the conceptual-idealistic where you take one concept (whether inherent in a person's existence as a concept of hapiness or an idea that proves to be an ideal one to conceptualize into a dream) and you formulate an idealistic vision into a dream that you enjoy viewing or reminiscing about in your time of resting (Like being Mario and saving the Princess...my favorite and most repetitive dream by far). Mix the two and I believe that our minds reveal to us a realistic yet minimally idealistic vision of our future (unless the utopia in our complex optimistic mind follows universal law completely). Then one day this vision will kick in as dejavu to behold before your eyes as a repeat of something once detailed in a dream. So maybe we really do make our own paths and we ultimately know what road we are going down. But our minds connect somehow in a big universal matrix, guiding us toward each other somehow, and to our individual destinies that we hope for in life or cannot expect precisely based on the nature of choice and unpredictability. And maybe that is what our dreams really are, prophecies, and however deep you decide to pay attention to them, that makes you venture that farther into the future through your dreams. But the deeper you think, the more lost you get just due to the fact that the science of our being is just not meant to be analyzed, harped on, worried about, or figured out at that. It is solely meant to be just destiny, the word representing such a simple idea with complex linkages and webs of volition.
So then be hopeful always in life, because it is yours and noone can take it from you. Hook it up as if you would that expensive car that you have dumped countless hours into working for and stressing out in order to get it. Redirect your search for hapiness towards the present day path and live it up because the rest of your life cannot be decided now. Think, if there is a prophecy for the end of the world, why must it be so pessimistic and thought of as the end...because there is no certainty for the end of everything in our human minds, and why waste your time on such a horrible thought? Go eat some cheese cake and enjoy life's simple things. All the small, short, neglected, unnoticed and underappreciated things matter in life more than you think, because they hold the key to more than as seen for face value. Its funny how one can achieve such a higher satisfaction knowing the small things that matter among our human connections and not having to know the more intricate aspects of our design.
I am going to stop giving my time to a computer screen so that I may enjoy the sweet love of another's kiss, one of the smallest yet most beautiful elements of our human entity.