Nothing you can willingly change

In this week, I have learned just one thing: it doesn't matter what you do, nothing will change unless it wants to. For example, in me writing all of my thoughts and actions down on an internet interface notebook thing, it will really only make whoever reads it to think, but not to do. And I have always known that and therefore do not look for the comments of others to spark some pity debate on things I believe to be true to my heart. I have always known this, but this week's events kind of solidify that for me as a human being striving for knowledge. If someone wants to be happy one way, or escape sadness at that, and it seems that it is not the way to freedom from your point of view, then too bad for you. We cannot change the world as one person unless we die for what we believe in and people see that. Sad isn't it? I mean, think about how many people had to die for us to have an America or for jews to be able to live freely again in whatever place they chose, or for blacks to have their voice in society and yell out "I am a person too!"? You just cannot change people or sway them in your perspective. So have your opinions, keep them to yourself, don't stress over other peoples problems or uncertainties, and live YOUR life and make the most of it...and if you choose not to, then write a book. When that person wants to read it, they will, because time will reveal many things and allow people to see the light. With age comes wisdom, so be smart!

The Fourth of July in California

Keeping myself busy and amused in California as the second week of my trip has started counting itself down to this upcoming friday when we leave. Here are the highlights.
A couple of nights ago, Me and Em did a photo shoot with each other that turned out some really beautiful pictures of the two of us. Hyla is a photographer and already had a set up for the next morning's shoot, so the two of us found the perfect opportunity to express our spunky personalities and do something spontaneous. Emily's came out better for two reasons; (1) She is soo beautiful and (2) because I am soo much better!

Went to an interesting club last night called AsiaSF which was a reservation only club/restaurant. Emily and I, her half-sister-in-law and her half brother were intent on having a great time. And we did.

Besides the fact that we were able to get some drinks (Bekyardee n Cokes mama!) and relax in a heavily adult populated lounge, the waiters (waitresses) were trannys...transvestites for those not keen on using slang terminonogy. Each beautiful looking female that worked there was a man bayyyybeee! The entertainment was priceless! If ever you decide to visit Cali for the first time, this is the place to go to for some good ol' freaky San Franciscan fun...lol. We even got to go downstairs into a club that was 21 and up; probably because we were already eating dinner there and no one seems to care too much...I mean, come on, there are dudes in drag and with fake tits, no one is bound to be a tight ass. So we got our drink and our freak on and got a little tipsy. It was incredibly fun and relaxing being in such a chill environment, even though the music ranged from AC DC to Michael Jackson at 8 to that I Touch Myself song to some low grade techno to a bit of 50 cent. Transvestite DJ i guess!
For this week, we plan on doing some more entertaining stuff since we most likely will not have to watch after Hyla's chitlins as much. So we are gonna go to Sony's largest entertainment center, check out an IMAX version of Batman, spend more and more money (lol), enjoy the fourth of July with my cool Cali family (well, not really mine...yet), and maybe find time for a one-on-one sunset picnic at Tennessee Valley with my lover. I look forward more to the last one because the view is absolutely beautiful! I feel so free on top of that mountain, like no one or nothing could possibly reach me or bother me!

Have a happy 4th of July everyone! Don't burn yourself on the firecrackers...

Nike philosophy

*A bit of stray, random thoughts as they scroll in my mind (the best way to write, it seems)*
I am never, yet always, alone, or so thats how I feel...

I dont know, i just have so much faith that someone will prove their worth to me so that I wont have to feel alone...like that is their only goal in life, to make me more happier than I could ever make them, so that i could surpass that, and them surpass that and so on until it grows beyond the grandest proportions and then love becomes indefinable.

Should i trust noone but myself?

I read a poem called "The Panther" and it seems to define this struggle of mine, as I walk along the endless borders of the jungle that exist within and on the outskirts of my heart. It reads:

His tired gaze -from passing endless bars-
has turned into a vacant stare which nothing holds.
To him there seem to be a thousand bars,
and out beyond these bars exists no world.
His supple gait, the smoothness of strong strides
that gently turn in ever smaller circles perform a dance of strength,
centered deep within a will, stunned, but untamed, indomitable.
But sometimes the curtains of his eyelids part,
the pupils of his eyes dilate as images of past encounters
enter while through his limbs a tension strains in silence
only to cease to be, to die within his heart.

Pretty much i dont know where i am going, and any thought of where home might be is just left in my heart, the idea slowly ceasing to exist without any support or strength to reform its bonds of reason and epiphany. I'm waiting for something that I have yet to figure out...too afraid to look, or maybe faithful that it will arrive, in time.

True and interesting quote from a movie i guess...

"Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends."

Another quote/dialog which seems to hold true for some women...harsh but true

"There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance. ---Which one am I? ----You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.
I came here because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

When will it start? Has it already begun? Are there any defining aspects that will prove it true? Why can't I see them? Why must I be so pessimistic when I am always the optimistic one? It is because I am afraid? I must be really afraid, I guess? All great things bring fear into the hearts of those who are involved most closely with it, from whatever feature, true? What of my future, mother? What will I grow up to be? Who will love me as much as you do? Is it possible for them to love me that much? Would they sacrifice their life as you would? Where can I find strength to be myself without remorse? And why is it my weakness exists in my inability to be sagacious? Or should I focus much on sagacity rather than that which matters most, hapiness? Because isn't it hard to find true hapiness in this vicious world where humans chew you up and spit you back out? So why ask so many god damned questions and just do it? Who would have thought that Nike had the answer all along? But then again, they did scrap that slogan did they not? Probably because no one knew that the answer was to just live your life to its fullest, sacrifice everything for those who hold your heart, and never regret it because no matter what choice you make, it is a choice and you own that choice, correct? It is worth it to do things that you wouldn't normally do for the people you adore, isn't it? Why put on a facade when you can just give in and give the world to someone? Trust in yourself, I wonder?

Give me strength. It is hard growing up in a world by yourself with ideas of what you want to do with your life, but no motivation. Give me a reason to be yours, the idea that you are my goddess, my muse, my fuel for desire and intention for feeling.
Just do it...I need to keep telling myself that!