I've noted alot of changes in my life and in my personality this past year, but have never really thought about them until they have surfaced from the depths of my heart or someone elses.
I have become a jealous person as I have grown older and experienced more of life and its quirky anecdotes. That might go hand in hand with being more and more selfish too, but Ill talk about that eventually. Whenever I put myself in a position that I must miss out on something, I regret ever making that decision and become jealous of any situation that takes that special something further away from me. Is it immoral to be jealous of someone or something if your life is incredibly perfect? I get jealous when she gets to go out and have fun, when really she deserves it. But I want to be the one who goes with her, not anyone else. And I understand that we all need to have some time doing the things we want to do and with different people, but my jealousy sometimes pushes that reasoning out the door. I don't ever show my jealousy to many people, sometimes not even Em because I want her to feel comfortable and confident that she can be happy in whatever fashion she chooses when with me in a Relationship. And I will always do everything in my earthly power to make Emily the happiest kitten alive...lol..ok, that was a bit too weird for being sweet talk on a internet blog. But I realize that because she is so special to me that I have become more of a jealous person, with or without a trace to others, and it just adds to other bothersome aspects of life.
I also wish it was so much easier to live life and not to have to pay any mind to the financial restraints that living and recreation costs can sometimes put on you. It's a catch 22: you have to work to have fun but in the process of working you are not having fun. In the same respect, you have to work to pay for school, but to get a better job one day you have to focus on school. This trifecta of treachery that often compromises one another within the triangle causes great anger and frustration causing me to lose my patience that I once had, my optimistic outlook on the pessimistic world.
Maybe school is really what bothers me, facilitating the realization that learning something that I am not interested in is discouraging. Especially when you decide that you will do it anyways, focus, and get it over, your professor has no grasp on the fact that we are all young adults who still need some thorough explanation of the topics to be studied. WE are paying THEM for their services...the least that they could do is to teach us and not make us read useless bull crap and extract all of the necessary information to graduate. If that is the case, then I could just read at home, not go to class, not pay them (using a scholarship of course, which makes things a bit more tolerable) and just take the tests. Its ridiculous!
So I have also become a bit more selfish. And when I say that, I mean very little more than before in my eyes. It seems that I care less about other people and their wants and focus more on mine, or just not open those concerned eyes towards their hands flailing in the air. People have so much drama and so many needs that need to be satisfied. I always used to want to give them all a piece of me so that they could smile and have motivation to find hapiness each and every day so their lives would no longer be burdened. Funny how a smile can make so much of a difference without anyone else but you and I noticing its influences? But I have realized that only a select few really care about you in their lives and thus you should focus on them and yourself, and no one else. And sometimes even in this smaller circle, you must fend for yourself and worry about your own wants and needs. Not saying that your loved ones don't "love" you, but sometimes they tend to forget that they are being spoiled to death with all the attention you can possibly give them. Then they accept it as common practice and almost expect it everyday. They negate the fact that you are something to them and walk on with their lives with you on a leash. Break the leash!!! Sometimes you must walk ahead of yourself and them in order to find hapiness, and maybe then they will catch up or be the ones on the leash, often switching the roles and the sway of things. You cannot help but be selfish to the rest of the world if you choose to give one person everything they have ever desired.
