No no Drama

Within every domain there is a hierarchy; a pecking order, an alpha dog of the dog-eat-dog world that we live in. Lacking vision, trust, and faith, this world thrives off of the garbage we call hearsay and the drama of other people's life issues. It is as if you can find a soap opera every single day out of someone's true problems in life; whether it be their adventures of insecurity or their relationship quarrels/ventures. And it is not always that everyone is subjected to this torture of imminent domain, where a bull dozer comes in and trashes your life for the better of the rest of the world and their opinions of what spot you have on the map. It is simply those who allow it. It is an abusive complex that most never get over, that stems from our upbringing and our inability to face the issue to overcome it once and for all.

This girl at work, who happens to be at the top of the food chain (the source of all that is gossip), got a taste of her own medicine this week. Regardless of her lifestyle choices of heavy partying, drug usage, and constant foolery, the girl lived in an ideal life by most standards (it seems). Married to an amazing man who took care of her always and dealt with her situations, she chose to defile that relationship with a sin of the flesh. Her body reached out (whether covered by the mask of drunken debauchery or not) and yearned for a taste of a sinful life. She got it, and for that small period of lust (relative to the rest of her life spent with purpose and a man's man that would never leave her side), she now has to face it.

Ironic how one girl who continually thrived off of the happenings of other people's live now becomes the topic of conversation on the drama-filled vessel setting sail towards nowhere (we call it Fultons Crab House). No longer is the expression "the love boat", but rather it is "the lust boat". There are only few that find love amongst a bunch of heathens, and those people eventually detach themselves before its too late. A relationship fluorishing on a common foundation of morals and standards, they strengthen that foundation until they can migrate from whence the spot they came; and there they found each other to build another (and more pure) domain/life outside of it. It is knowing that the power of association will eat them alive if they do not go out and pursue their real purpose with true love that they have so unexpectedly discovered.

So I wonder, and ponder heavily on this issue. Seeing that this spot is impregnated with drama, it is only expected that the birth of a new Queen Bee will emerge with the death/retiring of the once former. May she rest in peace when she leaves and find herself somewhere out there in the new world. There is hope out there, and I can only pray that this girl finds some; that she discovers the short-lived nature of love without true commitment and the weakness of substance-dependency. Otherwise, what chance does love have living in a haze that most can never make out with clear vision and describe with audible speech? Sure, it is fun, but so is jumping out of a plane: its fun for the first 50 seconds until you realize that you just jumped off the deep end and you forgot your parachute because you didn't think it through first. And now you are about to hit the floor, never to return except for by the grace of God (if he allows it).

I wish people would think things through with their heart and not their mind (which is subject to confusion).

Manhood

Ever since reading that book Wild at Heart, it has really opened my eyes to a lot of understanding about how emotions and people work in certain, if not all, situations. I have always been the people-watcher type, observing the masses and how they react to each obstacle or trial that comes their way. It is a quality that few adopt and use. I admire my beautiful girl Jacky and my friend Tom for that, because they are some of the few that apply it and learn from it like I do. Whether it be as simple as missing the right toll lane (no Epass), forgetting ones wallet in the car or even a short verbal disagreement, I have always paid attention to how our emotions are triggered by life's many happenings. But nothing like this book has really brought me to a different level of understanding.

They say that once you make a mental click, or reach a new stage of life, that you can reread or relisten or even rewatch something and you understand it at a different level. And if you are open to accepting what you find, then you will be able to apply it to your own mannerisms and adjust as necessary. Hence, I believe, the process of bettering oneself. But sometimes you have to make that mental decision that you are ready to change or move on in order to get to that next step. I think that most never get to that point though. There could be many reasons and, being that I am not as wise as I would like to be, I can only theorize on it. So here I postulate.

I believe that if you do not ever take the time to discover yourself and conquer your fears, then you will never progress in life. This is the number one reason why most people get stuck in a rut: fear. That fear is built in from many different points in life and plentiful sources. But it originates from birth until today where some might even be sitting in front of this computer screen or this book (which it will someday be) and can't help but imagine that someone might bust through the door and kill you. Crazy how most will allow that feeling to overtake them, build up anxiety in them to the point of true uncomfort, and never want to understand why that is? You know, it is trial and error paired with the lack of inhibition to fail a few times that will help overcome fear. But somewhere, somehow and someway we are taught that you want to avoid pain and danger at all times. There are grades of danger that you just don't want to touch (like jumping off of a 50 foot building thinking that you won't die) but sometimes you have to get a bruise or a broken leg to know better than to do so. However, some adventures are worth the scratches and the poison ivy rashes; the heartaches and the heartbreaks, the laughter and the euphoric emotion, the exhiliration of being on the verge of almost certain failure but cheating it by just an inch of faith and truth.

How did I get on all of this? Today, I woke up to the sound of her voice. The only thing better than that is waking up to find her beautiful eyes lost in mine and her lips prepared and plump-n-ready for a smooch. I was supposed to go to Gainesville today, but people flake like they always do and I could have used the sleep I did get. Plus, my friend Mike W. who is always understanding, was in the same boat. He would have been the only one that would have showed and for that reason him and I will make millions together in the near future. You couldn't tell me otherwise.

So I woke up to my family all together in the living room cleaning up and chatting. I haven't done that in forever it seems so I partook in the enjoyment of it all. Talking to my mom, a morning hug from my amazing brother Ian, hanging out and being fed by my pops. It was nice; a preview of how life is going to be (and how one deserves to live) with the ones that you love when you have a plan for your life. To repay my dad, we went outside in the back to cut down a tree. My dad and I used to do man-work all the time when I was a kid. Although our relationship was never a talking relationship persay, it was always centered around being responsible, having fun always, and hard work: values that to this day I will take with me and give to MY family. My confidence came from elsewhere later on in life.

We mapped out the plan: push the lightning-deadened tree trunk inbetween two helpless plants so as not to kill them, tear apart the log into multiple pieces with a chainsaw and the job was done. It seemed to be quite a lengthy task, but ended up being quite menial. 25 minutes later we were through. But it was amazing to think that even in that time, that two men who had a task to get done put their heads together, worked as a team, and got the job done a lot quicker than one man by himself. And so I found purpose and understanding in that 25 minutes. Not only was it bonding, but it was about being a part of something, and meeting at Man's Point to take on a challenge. No excuses, no complaining. Just hard work that needs to get done. And someone had to take a stand to do it.

Now I don't always make an epic journey out of cutting a tree down into small pieces. LOL. But it was the fact that I had taken all of my personal growth up until now and I actually resented my father less than I have ever. And why is that? It's because I understand him better than I have ever. 23 years of observing him and I finally know what the man is all about. He is a man's man. There are issues and fears still, I know, but who doesn't have those? Its just a matter of how many have actually faced them. My father is an amazing man. He has so much passion that you couldn't cut through it with even the sharpest blades on a chainsaw. And he, as the man he has always been, was not afraid to pass that down to his son, Joshua Anthony Nangle. He has given me the best pieces of him (along with my mother who has given me so much) and has set me out into the world to find my own; to live out my journey, to take on an adventure, to fight a battle that most men lose, and to wage war for the beauty that will one day be my strength, courage and symbol of love.

Wild at Heart will bring truth into your life, and I only know that now I will do the same for millions of others, just like the author of this book.

Touchdown...back on Planet Reality

Man, there are very few words to describe the last 24 hours of my life. What chemistry, what a connection, what a beautiful experience, what a fun and relaxing time. It makes you think: how comfortable are you really when it comes to the one person in life that you rely on for happiness? Although Jacky and I have only spent so little time together this past 3 weeks going on a month, every second has been better than the last. I still cannot believe that it just fell into my lap like this, remembering that I told myself that I would not look for anything serious. But as Jacqueline puts it, our friend Destiny has stepped in and we have no way around it. We are so comfortable around each other, so honest in our conversations, so mature with our emotions that it is bound to lead to something beautiful as it already has.

We spent the evening talking late into the morning hours. We had such a great conversation about everything and anything. It was deep in nature and had no boundaries. We kissed and fooled around for a little in the midst of it all. It was bound to happen because we haven't been able to hang out in the privacy of our own bedroom until yesterday. But I gave her an incredible feeling inside and all over her body. I wanted to please her so badly for so long, and I finally got that chance. She was surprised how good it had felt; I wasn't. The best felt emotions come from the heart, and all I wanted to do was give her that piece of my heart that she had been working on for days. With her soul-seeking eyes, her voluptuously tempting lips, her exotic touch and curves everso silky to the touch, she won me over countless times.

We attempted to sleep. Well I didn't do so well. She slept and as always I got hot. So I turned on the air and caressed her cheek with the softest part of my hands while her consciousness dwindled away into Dreamland. I finally got some sleep though, but we still ended the morning by waking up early. I made her banana pancakes, the Breakfast of Champions. As she always does, she expanded my horizons by suggesting that I cook an egg over-easy and toss them on top of the pancakes. Interesting, and quite delicious. Us Americans always try to overcomplicate things and keep things neatly separated. She keeps it simple. ;)

So after a breakfast hearty enough to start off an amazing day, and a nice conversation with my brother Ian, we took off to my parents room. See, normally I would be ashamed to even mention that, but she did something to me that morning that took away all of the hinderances and shyness. It relinquished my fears of what she might think about me. The real Joshua Anthony Nangle that I have always wanted to strengthen and bring out of me was starting to emerge once more. This girl is the kind of girl that you can just be you around. And I'd encourage everyone to settle for nothing less, because it adds to the comfort of a relationship. Be you, and let God decide if you are meant to cross paths based on your common grounds. But I digress yet again.

So bedroom. Went to watch a movie, ended up falling into a deep realm of passion. We did things with each other that I did not expect, that I did not necessarily have on my mind. But it was absolutely amazing, every bit of it, for both of us. We made love, explored each other even more, and talked about things that only lovers do. It was surreal at first, but the comfort level was high. We slept for a bit, tried to watch a movie, then grabbed some Pollo Tropical (her favorite place to eat). We came back and slept some more. We were very lazy, needless to say, but it was so nice to just let go of the world that often troubles us and calls upon us to be alert to each and every detail. We weren't detailed yesterday. We were supposed to go to the beach, but that didnt happen. We were supposed to have a nice dinner, and instead we ended up going to Walmart and buying some supplies to make a Mexican-type sandwich called Niño Envuelto (made with a spread of mayo, sour cream, mustard over uncrusted white bread with American cheese, ham and turkey, salt and pepper, rolled up with aluminum foil into a sandwich roll with jalapeños as an good alternative option to place inside...glass of milk to go with is great...mmm). We played chess, checkers, damaschinas (Chinese Checkers), and hung out with my brother. The best of both worlds.

Side note: I love hanging out with my brother. It reminds me of just how successful we are going to be because of his growing confidence and outlook on life. Him and I are good for each other. We rub off positivity on each other, and it is the one thing that will keep us growing and changing together as we become young, wealthy and free.

Return to the bedroom for the second attempt on watching the movie. No success. More love to be given, never enough time. We fell right back into each other's arms and took advantage of the time that we had away from our outer-world situations. She lay there in the nude as I ran my fingers across her beautiful mocha-colored skin, the small of her back, her entire body really. What a priviledge to give such a beautiful woman the love and attention that her body deserves. She fell asleep again, and so did I.

She woke up at 2:30 in a haze. It was time to return to our normal life for a little while. Her aunt and uncle who she stays with did not know of our rendevous and the love we had in store for each other on that incredible day. So until then, she will continue to make it back to her place on time before her tios wake up at the young hour of 6 o' clock. But it is my job to give her the liberty to come and go as she pleases, to go out there and win in this life so that she may live like she is supposed to; with the freedom and life that we all deserve.

She is my woman now, and so much more than my words can fathom in this second so early in the morning. But I must be careful, because although the feeling is real, words are very powerful. I trust though that they will be spoken at the right time, although having already been spoken in the verses of our body language. It is just a matter of time now. But that's all that I have: time.

Time to move on. Time to change. Time to fall in love. Time to make a man of myself. Time to be an example. Time to get the job done. Time to make a commitment and back it up with action. Time to live out my life's dreams. Time to save my family from this life. Time to lead my family. Time to live for someone and something that matters.

Imminent

She's on her way here right now. I have butterflies wrestling in my stomach, but I don't know why. I'm not entirely nervous or anything. lol. I laughed when I just read that. But it must be the excitement of seeing her and having her lay next to me tonight that gets my heart a-flutter. I don't want to sleep with her. I respect her too much. I want her to know that I care about her so much and that whenever it happens is whenever it happens. It truly is like Pandora's box...once you open it, you can never close it unless you run away from it. And trust me, once we open that box, I won't be the one to close it unfortunately...lol. Love is an addiction for me when it is with the right person. I give it 110% percent of my heart and ability to please her in all areas. That in itself is an exciting thing if it truly does feel right when it happens.

Those feelings felt during intimacy are probably the best one could ever feel. And the only thing that multiplies it is the progressions of a relationship into something more serious, deep, and comfortable. Then the intimacy reaches another level, I assume. I've only loved and been in love, broken hearts mistakenly and been heart broken more than twice. I've never taken love to the extent of lengthy and eternal commitment, or past the excitement of marriage into starting a family. I am sure those make intimacy that much more satisfying. Plus, a lengthy exploration of one's body also puts you at an advantage of knowing how to please and be pleased.

She just texted me. She is on her way right now. For all I thought, she was already at the door, but now I can ease up and relax a bit.

We've got quite a day planned for tomorrow. I'm gonna wake up around 11 and make her some Banana pancakes in the morning. Then we will probably end up kissing and getting closer. After that, we are gonna hit up the beach. I am thinking about Clearwater Beach simply just for her to watch the sunset with me. There is a possibility that we may hit up Cocoa Beach, but my intent was to become amiable with the sun on one side of the Earth or the other. There is nothing like the gleam of the sun over the calm, ocean waters as it sinks into oblivion only to return the next day with another story to tell. Quite romantic indeed! Then after all that mess, I am going to cook this beautiful young lady some dinner and grab a bottle of her favorite wine (Riesling). After some good food and conversation, a movie will end the night for us in preparation for the next day at Fultons Crab House. It will be a short-lived taste of a full day of hanging out together. But nevertheless, its always good to have a taste of what is to be served. We will call this our Appetizer Monday, a prelude to the amazing feelings to be experienced in the months to come.

Continuance

The time has gone so fast that I do not even know how long it has been since Emily and I have since parted. I think its been over a month now. But it has not phased me simply because I have not thought about it. It seems that it was the right decision for where I stood. I told my mom today that I was going to propose to Emily in September before the obvious obstruction presented itself. I probably would have too. It was in my heart to do so, to give her the world I had long since promised. But I realize now that where we are both in life is on such different realms that God had to step in and show us both our separate ways. Love is blind. With or without glasses, you can sometimes see only what you want to see and it makes you wonder if there really is a plan for us all (which I do strongly believe, but carry all opinions with an open mind). I believe it was the best decision we ever made together as a couple, even though I wouldn't have admitted it then. I could only see hope and a great future. I don't know what she saw, but it wasn't change. There is truly a reason for everything.

I took a leap of faith and gave up my morning shift on Thursday. Well, Jacqueline did because I gave her the go-ahead to offer it up. Jacky obviously wanted to hang out with me, and I obviously did not mind seeing her one bit. Even though I am guarded just a little so she doesn't get sick of me (since we've seen each other non-stop it seems), I figured it lined up for a reason and I took it as an opportunity to get closer to winning her heart. Crazy to hear, but I have this goal to be the respectful man I've always aspired to be and win this girl's heart. And its not just to test my abilities so as to gain the title of Rennaissance Man Of The Year 2009, it is this stirring feeling inside that draws me to her; to think about her nonstop, to feel the touch of her lips upon mine when we aren't even near, to want to give her more of me. For the first time in a long time, I feel like my heart is wanted for capture.

We originally planned to go to one of two Disney waterparks named Typhoon Lagoon, but only because the rest of the Fultons Crab House crew already had plans to attend the other named Blizzard Beach. Jacky and I were (and kind of still are) in cognito with our newly-found affection, and didn't want the whole world to know. But something changed her mind, and we played Hide and Seek with everyone else at Blizzard Beach. We were eventually found out, but not until later.

During our time there, we had so much fun! It was an experience for us both. For her it was a new experience, riding on all of the variety of water-gushing rides in a place where laughter was not scarce. For me, it was a chance to get to better know the girl who captured my attention at work on the first day. Every single time we hang out together, I find yet another reason to stick around her. Whether it be our contagiously-shared laughter, our common ground on most of our beliefs, our inability to cease all clumsiness, or just those devilishly-wicked kisses that we take part in. We always find reasons and not excuses to see each other again and again. The feeling is electric!

We ran into everyone (everyone being the people that would tell everyone about our attraction, that is...especially this girl named Shaira) after we found our friend Jacob wandering around. That's when it was time where the feeling of this situation felt the most comfortable. I felt no pressure, Emily (although completely obliterated to the point of not remembering seeing me) and I had already talked so she was cool with it, and everyone else started to catch on to what had already been cooking. Jacky seemed a bit uneasy, but once she realized that my feelings for her were true and not temporary (that I had long since moved on and had intentions of treating her right without the bullsh*t of talking sweet words with no backup action), I believe she started getting more comfortable with it all. I realized then how serious we felt for each other, that if it were to step up another level that we both wanted to know that one was sincere about the other and that we could start forming a trust bubble around these emotions we had so quickly started to develop.

There are so many ways to say this, but I am infatuated with this beautiful girl named Jacqueline Viviana Padilla (Sepeda).

There is a desire to know that this is a real feeling with real potential and that there was no room for turning back. I knew where I stood, solid and firm on grounds of loving intentions. I was not going to face a past mistake of turning back on those personal commitments I had made with my heart and soul in returning to a love that was one-sided. I vowed never to give loving one person a third chance, because true love only deserves two and love by itself can claim two-and-a-half. The more shots you give love with one person, the more you weaken your heart, I believe. We as individuals must be strong and confident knowing what we want and what is best. Fickle are the ways of the Devil (or anything evil in the world, hence D'evil for non-believing folk...lol), and indecision a killer of passionate emotions. Who would want to be without the most amazing feeling on Earth? No drug, no achievement, no chemistry is as powerful as that of love. Its what we feed off of to be the happiest in life. And although many can be happy single, there is always some sort of love that they pour out to someone or somewhere to fill that void. However, two "in love" takes the cake, with multiple layers to dig into. As I've always said, I will never miss out on that emotion, even if it means being that one guy who chooses to live by the morals of a true Gentleman to find a real woman that can handle that. And I'll be the man that gives her the world on a platinum-molded platter (because silver is just too easy to get).

The ad would say "No longer a push-over. Twenty-three years old, the most respectful man you'll ever meet, loving, caring, strong-willed, hard-working, driven, family-oriented, ambitious, creative, supportive, giving, trustworthy, positive, detailed, funny, talented, social, tall, handsome, working on a smokin' bod in spare time (lol.), still smiles under all circumstances, one of few dreamers that remain, and soon to be very successful at such a young age (if you can believe that, you'll benefit abundantly)."

Jessica's Quote

Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.-G. K. Chesterton

Perfect quote that shows us that some of us are extinguished of our dreams when we grow up from childhood and take on the responsibilities of a proper life. But why is it that we aren't told that we can still slay the dragon? Why are we not given the map to the castle where the mystical creature's dungeon lies and the beauty screams loudly from atop the highest floor, begging for salvation from her one true love? Rather, we are made a loyal serf, a lord of the land, a master of his trade living in the storybook as the Knight rides valiantly by his countrymen to achieve his prestige, to attain his utopic life and salvage the true love that remains in his heart for the rest of the world to see. He stands tall as an example of danger and gusto, unafraid of the road ahead knowing that the battle is well worth it, the journey long and exciting and the end goal in mind well worth it. So many movies depict a man rising above his situation to go against the odds and, because he never quits, he always becomes something more than the odds would have him remain. Will they continue to make these movies if real men do not pursue what they were meant to have in this world. God planned it out for us to have all the wealth and the riches of the world. It is just our responsibility to believe it is ours while reaching out to take our slice of the pie. And this baby is Cherry Cheese Cake, believe me! Time to stomach it.