Why be something you find no interest in?

I don't know what I am doing with my life sometimes. I sit in class every morning that I decide to wake up for (which I didn't do this morning) and stare aimlessly into the open spaces of the chalkboard and wonder "What the fuck do I care about a stupid variable or a letter A that stands for a coefficient, or the quantum numbers of a Hydrogen molecule?" Its so stupid how we have to learn about the most abstract ideas of our being in order to become something in life. I personally always long to know more about the universe, but now I am starting to believe that formulas, equations, and such are made up reasonings for why we exist on this world as we do...like they are just generally accepted as being reasonable and explanations for everything. You can compare it to our language. Someone way back when decided that this letter "B" that I type should have the Buh sound...why not the "erhayed" sound or a squeak instead? Everything in society is made up to comfort everyone and keep things in order so as to not allow the stray mind to wander throughout the world without a reason or purpose for being. Sure, certain things in chemistry might help find cures and medicines to better human illnesses. But not everyone wants to be a doctor of medicine, or a Chemist. Not everyone wants to just shove themselves through a designed program that teaches them logic about a category of study that doesn't interest them or come naturally to them. I am a firm believer in the idea that we are born to become experts in what we are best at or what comes naturally to us, as is we are all designed to fulfill a specific purpose in our own universe and in the created world of another human soul. For someone, I could be the one to tell them or let them know that life is too important to waste one second of it. That person for me could be the one to fix my broken back. We are all created for a specific reason...I just wish I could find mine. And sometimes I think it is to write or do Photography, which I would love to do, but my insecurities get in the way, along with my plans for the future. Futurally speaking (like that word? lol), I dont want to have to travel and be away from a family that i love doing photography, and I dont want to not be a successful writer. I don't know, I guess my time of epiphany will come, but please come soon.

To My Kitty

My dearest Kitty Kat,
Sometimes I feel like our connection fails us. Ok, not that harshly...it feels as if our connections seem to fluctuate between words on the same page. Sometimes I feel like I am at the end of the page 50 words ahead of you almost ready to flip over to the next page, while other times you take my position. I always know that we will be on the same page always, because we are just that good together. We seem to read at the same pace and follow each others line of sight. I just fear a bunch of things.
I know you always have something on your mind, and I wish I could read it without having to ask you to decipher it for me into audible words. But really I already have the notion of what your thinking, and I want you to know that. You know, this vacation, I swear, we finished each other's thoughts, sentences, and actions more than a million times. You know why...its because we think about each other constantly and wonder what the other is thinking. Correct that: we KNOW what the other is thinking. So here is what I fear: that you will forget to look through that open connection of ours and not understand what I am feeling. I don't want to ever not tell you anything, but yet again I don't want to feel like I have to tell you everything, because you almost know me better than myself. And I think at that point when you do, I will believe you when you say that you love me more. That proves alot when you can anticipate my every thought based upon the premise of being the same person as I am and enjoying life just as much as I do.
On that note, don't forget to enjoy yourself around me. Please neglect the anxiety that work brings upon you and I, and lets simply turn to one another to find that solace that can only be had by a loved one...because Em, I love you with every beat of my heart, every cell in my body reaches out to you always trying to comfort you and keep our relationship perfect (because we are too perfect together, it seems).
...Speaking of perfection, our vacation together couldn't have been better. I loved every moment spent with you, even if you were a bit ill at sometimes. Every new experience was enjoyed to the utmost and I could wish for no other to share it with. And through every glance we shared, I learned soo much more about you and just who you are. Thank you for making it a kick ass break. I'm glad that we can have fun together in any situation...
So, if you are ready, and understand my thoughts and feelings, and I understand you like I believe I do, then lets turn the next page together...

Goodbye

This past weekend has been almost as horrible as I think anything can be for me in this perfect lifestyle I lead. Had it not been for Emily's sweet smile just a kiss away, I probably would have cracked. First off, after going out with Ashley and friends, Ashley says some stupid ass comment that makes it seem like she has it made with her bf or whatever she considers him and that he has me beat or something. Beat on what? Fucking? Wow, good for you...go around telling that to people and see how they react...they might consider you classy or something..right? WRONG! Especially when I am soo nice to her, I choose to get along with him and by her wishes pretend like he didn't just recently hurt her feelings, she pulls out that shit and acts way more cocky than he could ever be, like she thinks she has something even relative to what I have. Maybe in a couple of months you can say something like that, but never brag about sex to someone who a.) doesn't really give a shit or care to hear it and b.) someone you open up to as a best friend, or so you say, and tell all of your hurt and hapiness to.
So to top that off, and the fact that I get hardly any sleep at all (which is definitely not an issue or problem when the reason for it is known, enjoyed and accepted), my grandfather died on saturday night at 8:30 pm while I was at work. My mom called me on my cell to tell me, but i couldnt pick up because it was 1030 and i was still at work, so she called, told Emily who was at the front podium, and she told me. So that, along with Em being sick, ruined my mood for the night.
Then, after all of that, I had a paper to due on Sunday night. I had to wake up that morning at 700 to go to church with my grandmother. Big thing: Church used to be interesting to me and actually satisfying, because they would talk about the good nature of people and how love is the key to life. I believed that and still do wholeheartedly: love is what makes the world go round and moves mine. But it just doesn't appeal to me anymore, because now every heartfelt message is incorporated into giving money to someone, to the church specifically. And when an actual decent charity asks for money, our church profits from it some how. Does anyone see the irony in this? Maybe it is only Catholics, but aren't they supposed to be the strictest of Christianity...i dont get it nor do I care because its all elementary bull crap to me now. They exist at a lower level than I and all of my loved ones who I actually care about and give to rather than ask of. The only thing that will keep me going if I decide to sacrifice my sleep every sunday morning, or once every month, is for my Grandmother and that love that I believe in for my family. Sad to say, but she depends on me more than I can handle but enough for me to feel loved. I hate being so caring sometimes! It is a downfall that I will always suffer from, and I'm glad that I have someone who is just like me in that respect...poor Em and I, bound to kindness...lol. After that whole ordeal, I went to see Emily before work. I tried to go to the library after Emily left for work at 1030, but i fell asleep until 1...so i was late for dinner and still lacking an interesting topic. But I got my topic and books at the UCF library and then after screwing around and eating until 430, i got started. I gave in at about 630 wanting to see my love kitten, so I bought us desert for later at Jeremiahs and hauled over to the place. Then we procrastinated until 9 (built up/put off sexual frustration and History paper anxiety do that to you...hehe). I finally finished at 2 and ate an awesome dinner of spaghetti made by Em...that was the shit! Turned my night around. But she still had hers to do, and she let me sleep through it when I told her to let me help her. Stubborn Kitty! I wanted to help soo bad...oh, well, ill make it up.
And those guys from the fricken tow place havent called me back about denting my muffler when they towed my car. Bastards! Ill annoy the shit out of them before they get away with it. So, now im sitting outside of Emily's room, typing this shit, and I have to be at work at 530. I'm dead tired and the two of us are lacking excitement (besides the fun we have giggling and talking all the time). We need a night out or a movie to chill us out, so I am hoping that we can do that tonight and eat the rest of our quart of gelati. If not, then spring break is coming and we are going to Clearwater for almost 5 whole days! Hell yeah, time to catch up on some good fun, loving affection and stray from stress and academic anxiety. Ok, I need to cuddle with my kitty cat, so I'm out.
Oh, and I hope that my grandfather's funeral on wednesday isnt going to be as depressing as I hope it's not. I miss him soo much...it hasn't hit me yet, but i know it will because he was always so loving and sweet to me, claiming me as his favorite (not that it really matters, but knowing that he had that much faith in me kept me sane and on the appropriate track). I'll always remember his smile, his scratchy voice, his funny gloves he always wore...so many great memories from a great man. I love you Pop Pop. I miss you so much!