Finding Normal again

I seem to be getting more comfortable as time goes on. It's not so hard waking up in the morning, I can go about my day with less burden in my thoughts, and, well, having fun is still easy for me. Though I often wonder what life would be like without her completely. I don't wish for that, not in the least bit. An eyeful of everso exciting Emily always proves the right medicine for an uneventful day.
Though today I kind of wished for more her and I. But I guess I always wish for that. So it wasn't so bad today when I didn't get what I had hoped for as a intimate friendly date between the two of us. I kind of figured she was not in the mood for the likes of my friendly conversation or witty charm. I just hope she isn't bored with me...I feel that way sometimes. Weird, but I feel like I am in the same relationship that I was in about a month ago. Always wanting quality time but finding myself falling short to her becoming lost in her thoughts and worry (poor chipmunk cheeks of hers).
I did get a couple of soft and sweet kisses. Those were nice. I always loved her kisses. They always had an available reassurance that there was something there between us that would always be there, but that she was afraid to admit. I do not want to be too confident in saying this, but I feel like she fears the feelings she has. She slipped and said I love you...I did it too when this thing first started. But I'll always wanna say it. Is this similar on her part? I feel that if we feel it that it could be said, with no feelings hurt. It brings a spark, a flame that ignites in the moment and makes every heartfelt move afterwards that much more intense.
I have a confession...
I secretly long for this passionate moment to excavate itself within the deepest parts of our hearts. That's where it has to come from, somewhere way up in the dark attic of the soul where feelings are often misplaced and stored for future development; hope. Just one night. One passionate night that says it all. I imagine it starting with a love-drunk haze where our eyes meet and we connect across the room. Exchanging silly conversation and comments about how hot we find each other, we casually touch, rub up against each other subtly. Things begin to get heated in our vessels and we can't keep our lips off of each other. Those passionate kisses fly out like butterflies freed from a dark, colorless cave, finding their way out to a spot where comfort lies and beauty deserves to fluorish. To kiss every inch of her body would be an understatement, every kiss complimenting her luscious body, in this my euphoria. Every caress of the lips on her skin would yield a rush of adrenaline, offering a deep release of her soft breath upon my neck. She'd whisper to me how good I felt, how it feels to fell this way; tell me how much she loved me still with the sound of her lips against mine, on my cheek, rolling off my fingertips. Her eyes would catch mine amongst the intermittent swaying of our limber frame, simultaneously pleasing each other from the inside out. As time passes by, the passion has no limits, hoping the sun will rise and put us into a deep relaxing slumber, against its intentional will.
The love often speaks for itself, through the expression of the body's desire to find a comfortable pleasure with someone special. That way, the meaning that the "L word" intends to define is better spoken without usage of words. A love like that would not have to hurt its own pride when trying to find out what it really means to truly love.
She is looking for herself, searching for what she wants from life, from herself and others. I have never known such a journey. I feel as if I have walked those paths in my dreams and saved myself the sores on my feet. Yet I still can see footprints in the sand that beckon my intrigue for life to follow along.
You know, I don't know why I used to pray and why I don't now. Weird if you ponder it for a second. But I do know this: if I did, I would pray that she find the easiest path, decorated with spendid earth, not have to walk so far, and find someone that truly loves her at the end and till the end. I hope to learn a lot about her discoveries in life, share my own, and create a lasting bond. I have learned so much from the intelligence and beauty that she has to offer that I can only imagine discovering more about myself and life from her...shes just that cool to be around. She should and will always take her time in life, enjoying the ride along the way. I think it would be neat to ride along, so I hope I have that chance. I could point out the more scenic routes, pick the longest nights, and lengthen the shortest days...meanwhile packing a picnic for two with a bottle of Kendall Jackson. I could write forever about the "L" that lies within me, but I do have forever...and quite possibly so could you and I.

In a different light

Sometimes I wonder, staring aimlessly into the electronic face of my phone, if you are thinking about me. As the minutes pass and the face remains dull, I can sometimes lose myself. But usually after two have past, I move along. I almost jumped for joy when I heard "Everlong" screaming from my phone from in the other room. Could it be? Stupid me, my 10 o'clock alarm.

I won't lie and say that I don't think about her quite a bit. There are so many things that remind me of her. And its only been two days, I know, but I reminisce on the thought that every day I used to be happier than this. And it was truly because she was thinking of me and I of her. Even when she had left to have fun with her friends, I was still bursting with joy as I felt the love from distances afar. Now I don't know where love stands; behind me, hidden under a notion of confusion and fear, or too far in front of me without visibility. I was never fearful of anything until I left her. Now I ponder if I could have done anything...maybe proven myself.

Did I do something wrong? Were you bored with me? Did you really feel confined with me, because I knew my goal was to never let you miss out on what you wanted to do. I never held you back, I think. I hope. I used to be so confident, now I don't even know what I was for you. What I am.

It makes it hard sometimes because I have you but I don't. Isn't that the most ironic sentence you can think of? Makes me laugh sometimes. I enjoy every second spent with you, but it ends later after you have gone and the thought of you thinking of someone else clouds my mind. It is then quickly diminished, but repeats throughout the day. That's kinda why I am glad we are such good friends. When you return, I cannot wait to hear about the details of your weekend. I pray that you will never hold back on any as this "connection" is what holds us together.

How often do you think of me? Like in a ratio, can you describe what others get from you in relation to me, thoughtwise? Lol. You're in the financial field, use your calculator and count throughout the day. Just kidding of course.

But most of all, I hope that I get to date you, to rediscover you in a different light. I hope that you hold the same excitement for our encounters when we haven't seen each other in a couple of days or weeks. I always want to think I mean that much to you, and I wish that I didn't need constant reminder. I wish that everytime you saw me that there would be some sort of look, some welcoming and loving glance that says it all.

It's not so much sharing the sexual with someone else, its the feelings of yours that I feel will float. Its thinking that you could look at someone else and hold them like you used to with me. I want to be more than any of these guys will ever be, cause I know that I am...just nice to know. I just need to know that...for me, myself and my broken heart. And if you tell me...if you could do that...thus the happiness is restored in every day...Ill be free once more.

I hope that you find yourself. I hope that one day you can appreciate everything I think about you, do for you, wish for you and experience for you and then still want more and more of me. When that happens, I think that you and I could make a beautiful life, an exciting life, fun and laughter every fucking second of the day. Promise. Swear. On my life. I'll always treat you like a pretty pretty princess. I'll never lie to you and I'll NEVER ever touch another pair of lips but yours, along with each and every square inch of your beautiful body. I'll always surprise you, split the chores evenly, take you out and spoil you. I'll never be jealous EVER, because I will always know you are thinking of me, and would tell me if you weren't. I'll never ever ever forget how much I love you and never let your forget it either, as soon as you let me. You will always have it made, and you'll always brag about how wonderful I am, knowing that I am doing the same with my coworkers and friends. In a nutshell, I'll give you the moon, the stars, all the planets and even the most obscure corners of the universe...and then you'll know euphoria.

The first night

I'm thinking about you...wishing this body pillow was your head on my shoulder and your loving arms in mine.

After a long drive (well quick compared to most) to Gainesville, thinking about her every second of the way, I am awake from my slumber. It wasn't as horrible as I thought to sleep without her for a first time where I was the one leaving. I slept like a baby, but dreamt like a troubled soul. I was chasing her in my dream, trying to convince her to be mine and forget about the "chase". It didn't work.

I have realized a lot in these past couple of days. With the help of a good friend, I have learned how my heart works and what it must do to survive. I still miss her dearly, and I always hoped that she would miss me just as much. Secretly. I am pretty sure she doesn't so thats what makes it harder to hope for it. And if she does, then I just wish she wouldn't be so shy as to let me know, even if it was the simple text message of our technological era. Thank god for that!

So I try not to think about the fact that my eyes are weighing heavy with tears behind the retinal barrier to the outside. I just hope that sooner or later I can just see her again, date her and hear her tell me everything, that which makes her smile. To hear her speak about her thoughts is a priviledge that I have always longed for, without inhibition. I think I have attained that now, being that I know everything that has happened. Thanks for telling me, by the way. I know you so well, better than you might know yourself.

Do you ever wish for perfection? If I have ever wished for it before, I never truly wanted it...until now. I wish upon whichever star, one that sacrifices itself as a vessel for my dreams/hopes/desires in life, that this friendship works out perfectly as planned. We have something, and I hope we don't lose that. I can see a beautiful connection in my view of the future, telling each other every thought without holding back, talking about all the good and bad in our lives, hanging out for hours and just laughing about nothing, going on fun dates to places we have never been, speaking of what we have learned in our lives lessons, how drunk we got the other night and how she was afraid to take a big fat nasty in front of her friends. Those kind of details. I want that bad. I don't want a relationship. It MAY be because I know she isn't ready for it, because I would give her the world and that is a heavy load to carry when unprepared. I have some experiencing of my own to do, some soul searching if you will. But what will keep me going is this "perfection" I long for or something like it.

Anything will suffice. Just to see those pretty blue eyes that smile when I am near. Those eyes kill me, but make me so much happier.