Thinking in the bahamas

Tuesday Night
First night was pretty uneventful. I started out just feeling out the deck and the procedures of the ship, triggering memories from a Carnival cruise past. On that, my memories of past and future travel cannot escape me. I remember all of the good moments spent in love and the fun we had just being us. I saw this cruise being so much better, much more intimate, being that we have grown so much more and found a new light within us. Though the fact that we couldn’t really buy our own wine would have inhibited our abilities…maybe I was just thinking that anything with you would be perfect; it will be perfect.
I think about you…I think about how when you and I take a cruise by ourselves one day that it will be so romantic, perfect, ideal. I want it all with you. No doubt about that.
I guess the doubt stems from what happened in the first place…I’m still afraid to jump. Maybe we both have trust issues then, because I see what you are all about today, but cannot believe wholeheartedly that all of a sudden you want me to be the love of your life that I have always been. I fear that you will fear life without being crazy or having experimented with those faint ideas of single-ness or promiscuity. If that’s not the case, then please reassure me somehow. When I feel like I can trust this, then maybe you can trust me, or we can just drop everything and start trusting each other? I don’t know. I do know that I am thinking about you and that my heart is empty right now…and you seem to pour into it and equal it out. I want it to be full, not half empty…as pessimistic as that sounds, but it fits because I was once whole with you. But I don’t regret this learning “situation” as it has helped me to appreciate things about you, myself, life in general, and life as a philosophy.
Life doesn’t matter much if you aren’t sharing it with someone. It’s like when people buy expensive things and defend themselves by stating that they spend the money solely because makes them feel better about themselves. But it really comes down to someone else noticing it to find any true value, even if only miniscule by a glance. To enjoy it with someone is the true gift in life and makes you realize that good things in life do not have a price tag. Even though gifts are bright, shiny, soft, colorful, rare, pricey, or highly sought after…if they have no meaning, then they are unnecessary!
I’m simple like that. I think I got that from my dad who does not understand to this day why expensive jewelry is so appealing. But then again, my mom and dad are two different people. Not you and I. A couple like you and I make the ideals of the perfect relationship have a chance of working. We give it our own importance in our heart and minds, and the fact that we attempt each and every day to make it work keeps the spark in our relationship. It always will. It’s good to set goals that are easily attainable, and to structure a goal based on a good relationship that two people ultimately want. The only total satisfaction can be given at the end of the road with death after an amazing life’s journey. And the numerous checkpoints of immediate satisfaction increasingly add to the finale of life’s significance.
So I watched “Click” with Adam Sandler. I love all of his movies because they have these cheesy morals that come from a realization after a mistake from a wrong decision or lack thereof. But every time it comes to that realization, and he realizes he cannot live without her, it gives me hope that when you really love someone and know it, that all else will work out…that love is meant to flourish, be unrealistic at times, lead to irrationality, and give justification for any actions that only mean to prove it. It isn’t the epitomized perfection that people immediately expect, can never be. But that perfection everyone desires is that journey love will bring you on if you let it. Its that end of the road epiphany that says your life could only be described by one word, a word that ensures your life’s work was not unfounded and had no regrets…that everything was done for a reason, was done from the heart, always holding true to itself and because it was your faithful leap giving it all, it was perfect. Perfection=life’s conclusion/closure/meaning/reasoning. Striving towards a goal and never faltering…that’s perfect. That’s a reason for living, a reason to fight.
I think about her too. I believe it’s an attraction...its thinking about her and being excited that I am hanging out with a cute girl that likes me for who I am…no previous involvement or investment. Something new. I guess you knew that already. It’s a “something” that gets me far away from the hurt I once had…puts me in a realm where I need not worry or feel underappreciated. That’s why I like it…its certain as to what it is. Another reason why I don’t see a future in it is because I know exactly this. I often lack the words to explain it, but that is just what it is. I think I still want to and still do think about her because I am not convinced that what you want and what I want are the same. That goes with what you are willing to do and what I am willing to do for love…and whether this is true love. I wish I knew. I thought I knew. I know, but do you? I like that poem I made, where “Lets always stay kids in love” because that describes perfectly what I desire from us. We had such a blind love that aimed to please in all facets. I would rather be blinded when it comes to this because that way the outside influences cannot be seen or affect us. But if we are strong enough, nothing can shake us anymore. Be attracted to someone, that’s ok. Just don’t want to act on that…because that was never the case before. We used to be attracted to other people but always brag about each other to our friends. I loved that. As kids in love we are shielded from the adult world and complex adult feelings that overanalyze everything.
Its simple. I love you, you love me. We think about each other constantly, and enjoy each other’s company. We laugh, we cry, we live and we see the good and bad in each other. We are prone to be around each other and experience everything together because we like each other’s company. And we make each other feel good in EVERY way, shape and form. We know each other so intimately…it’s too late. No more complexity. It will always stay that way, cannot escape it. It will make itself work because it is simply meant to be that you and I met on a million different levels on that day, in this castle we have built. It’s written in the stars. Shall we let them soar across the vast evening sky and onwards to infinity through the endless universe we share? Its all ours.

Wednesday Night/Thursday early morning

Just got back from the casino where I won 7.25..lol. I actually had 20 bucks won, but I kept playing because the money didn’t matter. But it would have paid for my liquor that I bought today. I got 2 bottles of Patron, 1 bottle of 1800, 1 bottle of Cointreau, 1 BIG bottle of Absolut for us, 1 bottle of Absolut Citron, and 1 bottle of Crown. Yeah, I’m an alchy to say the least…but I figured since its Christmas I should spend like it. And what do I ever want for x-mas anyways but more fun with you. So since I cannot have that immediately, I have liquor out the wazoo.
Went “ultimate” snorkeling and saw the underworld of the sea in Grand Turk. Very interesting. Wished I could have dove down and explored more, but don’t really know how to Scuba yet. Wanna teach me? Lol. Or better yet, go with me. Then went and bought all that liquor, got changed, went back to the port to Margaritaville, which was interesting. It put me three super-margarita-bongs deep into shitty tequila, so naturally right now I am kind of queasy because of the rocking and the excess food and such. I can’t wait to work out tomorrow actually…worked out Tuesday and felt good. But the food is awesome and worth the extra weight that I need anyways.
So I looked at the stars tonight and lost myself for a bit. Wishing you are here isn’t good for me because it makes me regret coming on this cruise and I have to pretend to have fun at times. It’s almost as if I convince myself that I am bored, having to force myself into fun situations. But I am having a blast, and taking lots of pictures. It’s really the conversations and sharing experiences with my best friend that I miss. No one has anything interesting to say, not like you. We bullshit all the time, and if there ever is a silence it is filled with laughter and more intimate conversation. We can do that with each other.
I feel in a haze. Maybe it is the tequila? Or maybe I am coming off of a high that I had when I was back home in the same town with you. I feel dumb, lost, confused and zombie-like, looking for something exciting to follow or someone stimulating and with direction to talk with. It’s almost like I am skipping time by not paying attention to anything. I only have fun when it is available, otherwise I go back into idle mode.
I got your text and sent you one back. Boy, I hope it isn’t like 50 bucks just to send you that, but if it was, it was the best 50 bucks I could have ever spent. I want you to know I am thinking about you and I love you, even though I couldn’t say it. But you know. And im glad you do. I want you to know that no matter what confusion may crowd my cranium, that I love you so so much, as it is the reason for the congestion plaguing my mind.
I’ve realized I am to be in no rush. That I feel this way because I need time. But I know that I want to start cashing in on these dreams of ours, just without the definite labels I guess. We can have fun, date, do whatever without me committing just yet. And the sooner I see that as a great situation and start to feel the comfort of you as my own, then I’ll give you my name as boyfriend Josh. Lol. But you are always my everything. I’ll figure it out. Still waiting for that epiphany…but can’t look so hard for it or I’ll scare it away, right along with my confidence in us.

Thursday night
Dinner is in an hour. Don’t be late. I have a toast to propose to us…and some tasty Riesling to complement…
I just had some tea with Mom and couldn’t escape thoughts of you. It seems like you occupy a majority of my mental slate during each day out here. I wanted to talk more with her about you and the situation I am in, but she wouldn’t have helped…just offering her piece of mind to support me either way. She can’t help me, not even I can.
I went to the private island (Half Moon Cay) today around 11ish. I take picture upon picture and hope it makes the memories worth it, remembering every smile, every moment standing around, every eye-capturing shot that my eyes had the chance not to forget. I didn’t get a sunburn so that’s a plus…wanted a tan without the burn and sort of achieved my objective. Drank a couple of beers, but the more I drink on this vacation the more I dislike it. Bud light in an aluminum bottle-mimicking can really makes me sick now, especially at 4.50 a piece (or today it was 5.00 on the island…screw that shit). Devaney’s, where are you? Lol. I believe that the fact that I am not able to be social with my family is a really big buzz killer, so its like I don’t even feel the alcohol but I get the fullness and nastiness in my stomach from it…as if I were eating a brew and not enjoying it. So I’m not gonna drink until I get home now. That will save me money and sanity knowing for certain that alcohol can’t make any situation just run away or any different or any more bearable for that matter. I can’t wait to be around exciting people again, and be one again without anyone being able to bring me down.
I take a lot of pictures…I can’t wait to show you. Maybe I want you to be here, and taking pictures will play out the story as I tell it to you as good as possible. Maybe then you’ll know that you were there all along.
As I count down the seconds till I have arrived home at 7 am on Saturday, I continue to preoccupy myself with things to do to pass the time. Tomorrow is an early wake up day, so ill watch Da Vinci Code on the telly, go gamble at the blackjack tables, or just go on deck and stare at the stars (hoping to see a shooting star outside of a meteor shower). Then I’ll sleep, wake up, do it all again tomorrow and wake up on Saturday to find myself home early. I kind of want to see you as soon as possible, but I have this feeling that I should wait until I get home to decide. I haven’t kissed nor done anything else with anyone…I wonder if you did the same by me. Just a fleeting jealous thought because I am so lost in my own indecision that you could do that despite your feelings. Though I hope you didn’t, because for some reason that would make things so much worse for me to get out of my spiraling confusion. Even though we can both do whatever we want, it’s as if we are both afraid of the other sleeping with someone else. Why are we so worried about the other as if we could be “cheating” on each other right now? And why can’t I just trust that you wouldn’t? Or you trust me? We have really done some damage to each other. I want to heal, and I wish it could be by Saturday. I wish I never had to doubt myself like I do now, because before I never doubted my abilities, decision or me in us. We got to think of something to do…
Oh, and by the way, I have you on my mind all the time on this vacation because I want to spend my every valuable moment with you, always be in love, and never regret a thing. With you, that’s possible…overly possible, and never impossible.
I hope you love me enough to push through all of this, and anything I put you through. I hope you stay strong as I used to be for us. Right now, I am the weak one. Don’t lose yourself again…Please! Fight for me, with me, and against me when I need you the most or want you the least. Because overall, you are my one. Soulmates? Partners in crime? How about the best of friends? The answer is D. All of the Above.

Counting days?

This cruise thing, I hope, will bring me to complete attainment of self-understanding. I hope. I hope. And I hope the most that there is such a thing as that...just taking a week from everything and sorting out your whole life's decisions. Mimicking Siddhartha in that fashion? That would be great. I've never really had a spiritual experience as he, never lost my mind to find my heart and soul...well, I lied. I did meet you.

I always thought of true love bringing someone to experience the most spiritual aspects of the world, bringing them into a trance where you let your body express itself in the deepest sense of pleasure while letting your mind go. You have to be completely comfortable to do that, and thats probably why sex as a young adult cannot be as euphoric. Once you've experienced it all, gotten into a routine of sorts, and no longer worry, you can find yourself. But why do I feel as if making love to you can reach that height much quicker? That maybe it has, but needs more exploration. Why do I feel as if you and I can do this for the rest of our lives, yet I am stuck in a hole and cannot seem to pull myself out? I see freaky looking couples talk about how they have the most amazing love making sessions and they connect on every level. Minus the freakiness, I see that in us. I see us being open-minded with each other always, exploring every quality inch of ourselves (inside and out) until we hit each peak of the mountains we climb. But why am I so afraid?

I think I am scared to be hurt again...because being hurt the first time shook my prior confidence of thinking that because our relationship was so good that we didn't need anything else. Then you needed something else. And I wasn't it. I want to be reassured in every measure that it could not ever happen again...that there isn't a chance that my ideals of true love will be shaken. I mean, think about it...you have so many years to change your mind. What if in another year or two you do it again? Then I've fallen in a deeper hole; bound, gagged and damaged. How can I know (without you verbally making it known) that I have you? I promised you something when we first fell, when we tripped over our own two feet into a sea of content, that I would always make you happy. I restated it when I told you to "choose me, youll always be happy". I'm sorry I said that and didn't know I was so damaged as to not be ready. But I meant it. I would spend every passing second making sure that you were cheezing till our heart's content.

If we do decide to float back together, maybe we should take it slow...like you said, we should maybe just date, spend time getting to know these new adults we have become. It's funny, cause I feel like everytime we change in life, you and I somehow will find each other. 'Cause the second we did, it was like destiny came into play and locked us into stalemate. We cannot move, we're stuck...did you want to be stuck to me, be my girl, be my one and only, be the 75% of my daily thoughts, be my amazing lover, be my wife, my children's mother, be the 100% of my heart and my reason for living?

I need time...the biggest thing I fear is that the longer I wait, the less of a chance we have in making this perfect. I learned that much from when I was waiting on you. I need to know, if I required, could you wait just a bit longer? It must have been nice knowing after I told you, as pathetic as I was, that I hadn't kissed anyone much when you were doing your thing. I dunno, thats selfish to ask of me. I can't place limits on you or set up boundaries by which you should operate...but I still fear. I wish I knew in my heart that you will still be mine through this time we are going through; cause mine was always yours up until the last weeks. But I guess now that we are experiencing the same thing and you see where I am going, then you will be able to.

Thanks for being my best friend, by the way. I had an amazing night on Wednesday, and I'm glad you were being the "rational kitty" that I always knew. Don't change now...

More confusion

I thought I knew what I was doing...I was almost sure and quite determined. And then I woke up and thought of you. I don't know if it is these entries of yours that you keep on writing that makes this so biased, but I guess I couldn't help it...cause the last two days I have thought less of you than ever before. And then today came...

I am trying to find happiness, a certain content that must only be thought of for right now and picked up later when I am ready. I want something to just jump out at me and make me realize what the fuck I am doing. But I did get one of those on Sunday night at Devaneys. I kept wondering what the hell I was doing with myself. I almost feel as if I jumped back in too quick, because I wasn't all there. Thought the alcohol would help, but your kisses weren't all the same. They were more troubled than before and less connective. I was walking around just trying to get my mind off of it, but it wouldn't go. I wanted to wake up the next morning at 12 and just run away, because I was so confused. Don't you wish it was easy to just run away from everything and not come back until humanly ready? Till clarity of mind has hit you right in the face? Slapped you around a bit and put you on the appropriate track.

I fear that after these two weeks, that I might still not know what I want. I fear that horribly. I wish there was something, some extraordinary proof that made me realize things much more easier. I want someone to take me away from all this bullshit and put me on a mountain, an island, a plain field of amber-waving splendor, somewhere like in the movies where everyone runs to be alone and discover themselves.

I want to talk to you, but I can't. I can't because you will cry and that is the whole reason why I did this...to get you to stop crying, to talk with you on a level which we used to...one without tears, without sorrow, without pity so that I could make decisions on my own without feeling bad for you. I want to know that every decision I make is for me, not to make you feel better, because I care about you so much I would do something against my will just to see you smile...but right now, it is unfair to me to do that. I have to find myself. I don't know if you have him locked up behind all of this sadness or if he is out there blindly walking around trying to find himself in the cold.

Either way, I'm cold. I'm frozen in my indecision. I can't move yet. It's not working so far. But maybe the beginning is supposed to be hard. Maybe I am supposed to miss you a bit and see where it leads me more towards the end. Please don't judge me in whatever I am doing. Let me do whatever it takes to figure this out. WHATEVER IT TAKES! Please. You owe me that. Although I don't want to point fingers, you lit the match first and dropped it...and once the flame started trickling up towards this nasty bomb, it was already on its way to explode like this. You can't expect any more out of me now, because I wanted you for the longest time and stuck next to you through it all, waiting for you to jump. You jumped too late, and now its time to use your skills to get back to your original landing site so that you don't land in the water. And I am trying to jump for you and after you, but I need better direction and to see if you will lead me to the promise land...that place where nothing else matters but what we once had, holding on to it for dear life and never letting things shake our confidence EVER AGAIN. I've lost a bit of hope along the way, but I am still hopeful. I need time...though time cannot move any faster right now, and it kills me.

I hope you are ok. Maybe Ill see you soon just to check on you...as my best friend. I am so horribly sorry that you have to deal with this, even if it was based on that one flick of a match. I do love you Em. Ill never stop loving you cause I promised that to you, and I never lied about that. But i need to be in love with you 100% to do this, and I have lost quite some value to that recently. I've been shaken up and my confidence has gone awry. I don't know anymore where we are going...though I know our connection still exists beyond it all. We will be kids in love again...I just don't know when. I don't want to promise you things I cannot keep. But falling in love cannot be planned after a 2 week period either. It happens with spontanaeity and a bit of unplanned effort...like it did in the first place. Maybe the time I take to do whatever will make me realize that. But I need your help. I never lost faith in you and what you were capable of doing...dont lose faith in me...

God damnit Em, why couldn't you just do something two weeks earlier? Why did it take someone esle to try to take me away from you for you to finally want to take me back? Why couldn't you claim me when you had me? I was right there the WHOLE FUCKING TIME and you didn't even make real love to me, tell me you were willing to make this whole thing work out, and give it all up? You hurt me by holding on to me half-like like you did...you shared your feelings with someone else and that damaged me, enough to make me lie to you and lose my strength in us. Please see that, see how it feels knowing the one person you love with all of your heart (and are even willing to hurt for) is on top of some other guy, not thinking completely of you, having drinks with someone else, not talking about how wonderful you are (like once before), sleeping in someone else's bed, not wanting to do everything with you, not listening to your cries of sadness, not strongly believing that you were the reason for coming home and waking up every morning....That HURTS SOOO BAD. You are looking for me, well you almost killed the Josh you are looking for. I am deeply hurt. No excuses or alternate reasoning. I am dying. I am trying to heal myself cause no one else can.
You couldn't have just heeded my warning, as I told you to get rid of the superficiality of your life and take what matters most and hold it dear to your heart. Life is way too short, Em. Time always runs short when you procrastinate for another day...minute...second...gone, nothing. I hope in it all you have learned never to toy with this love, whether it be true or not. But then again, if it is true, it will fix itself, find itself all over. So there's my faith, my hope, my true belief as it has always been...I have never shied from what I believe in. I haven't lied to myself or you in that manner. Please don't forget that.

3 things

I do love you....you know that...I see what you are looking for...I see that you want me so badly. I see that clearly. I just can't understand why I don't want it as much anymore. I feel like you are making excuses when you say 1. that I didn't tell you so, 2. that I wasn't waiting for you the whole time, that 3. I wasn't as heartbroken. Well, let me set the record straight...

1. I told you so. I told you many many MANY times in all of the journal entries, all of the little suggestions, telling you we should not move into this apartment (unless it was a one bedroom) and that I needed my own place, telling you to make this work even when you doubted it. You know, Jorge is right, I should have just slapped you. I wish I did, but you probably wouldn't have even seen it then. Woulda, shoulda, coulda...We all make mistakes in life, its just how quickly you can fix them and if you are even aware of who you are affecting in the process. It could be the one you want to love for eternity. I just keep on thinking you didn't do it fast enough...and now I need my time. I kind of want to do what we were supposed to do in the first place and take time.

2. You knew I was waiting for you. Regardless of the lies (which sucked ass that I kept it going and almost thought I could ever keep it going), you saw me trying for us harder than ever. And even if I were to really have had something, I told you every night that we spent together that noone could ever compare to you and how much I still loved you. Then someone gives me a chance to be single and have my time away from you, and you flip out. Then it faded Em...I dunno how much, but enough. Cause I have always been devoted to you, and now you are just realizing that? And stop blaming her for our own problems, I did it! I DID it! She couldn't take me away from you, but you could. And you did...you scared me into thinking that everything was way too predictable. I leave you with a thought...would you wait almost three months to be with me while I was fucking someone else?

3. I was heartbroken the second you came home with your hair all ruffled up and the shit eating grin plastered to your face. You looked at me like I didn't exist...didn't kiss me, didn't talk to me the same, like you weren't my Emily. Then we half assed some attempt (even though at times it was a great conversation always.) to try to stay emotionally and sexually involved. But that is not/was not ever good enough for someone like me who gave you the time of day on 50 different watches, I asked how high to jump, and I held your hand through this drive on such a bumpy road. Now I'm weary. Sure you are heartbroken for me lying to you, but you have no excuse because you forfeited the chance long ago it feels...that is, if you wanted it to be as strong as you write about. Now you want to give me the world...ive been giving you everything since pretty much this week. Everything and anything. I was far damaged far before this even started. Im still damaged I think. And look at me, I'm standing still. How does a human being do that when he has been killed inside? He makes due and gets what he wants.

And please stop snooping....you are only making it harder on yourself and I by taking things I say to justify some of your reasons for. I dunno what will come of this for you, Em, but I denifitely know I am needing this time for starters. Ill figure out the rest later...but I WILL be me at work....

Response

I haven't had time to write, although the urge came to me on the same monday I started this "time" thing. I have figured out a couple of things about myself and the situation within which I am in. But I have to make sure for certain that it is me that is deciding. So I am getting to know myself as I used to be, not the lying asshole that I pretended to be in the past 3 months. I am revealing all and not hiding anything from anyone or myself. It's not fair to lie...to oneself or to another. Because it bites you right back in the ass. I have no regrets anymore and I am happier because of that. I forgot how comfy my bed was, even though I don't like sleeping in it alone. It's doable though, this whole thing is doable. It takes will power and strength. I wish I could give that to you, but you wouldn't take it.
I just got back from a wine tasting with my mom and dad and have not had so much fun with my family in quite some time. I realized that I need to reconnect with those I care about the most that I have not paid attention to in some time. My wonderful friend Ashley is one of them and I thank her for all of her insight and unbiased opinion. My family, whom i love so much, will see more of me and get to know me as a person without boundaries. I hope that this time is going to prove what I already feel. I hope that it is already predestined and that I am not confusing myself. I want to be happy again, confident knowing that everything will be just fine if I follow my heart, my broken little heart. I wish that everything could be so much easier, but it will not.
Someone is going to get hurt, and either way I am going to feel that as well. I am mentally preparing myself for that. I will feel it with whomever must take on that agony. But it is a growing process, a learning experience, a new level of education that doesn't cooperate with any other learning facility or divine will/faith/fate. Either way, I know who my soulmate is, I know who I love in my life. I hope they all know it wholeheartedly and just trust me on that.
I have lied. I won't lie. I cannot anymore. I am so sorry for ever lying, because it is an evil pattern that can increase exponentially if you stick on the train for the next stop. You'll get lost amongst the cars and can only lie in the sleep car bed that you have made for yourself. But when you find the courage to jump out the window with blind faith, you will lie bloody and torn on a bush of thorns...but you will be alive. Pick yourself up, Josh/whomever. Don't be afraid to follow the road less taken. It's a long road, but thats where the soul and your heart's destiny finds the way.
It's gonna be hard, but thats the way this whole "situation" began. The best relationships are those that must be the hardest (not that that was verbatim, but I got the point of the horoscope). In the end, everything works out. That's why I never fret, I never lack happiness. You are right, I am independent. But you should have seen that before this all happened. I don't want to say its too little too late, but you should see some of that. Why this happened and all. Please understand that and stop telling me how bad you hurt cause i lied. I saw that. I did, still do. I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry. I promise I never meant to hurt you. And I never wish it ended. But it did...so im making due with what I have right now. Im taking the strongest things in my life and making them my strength. I love you...you know that. So take that and survive, for YOU. Not me, for you. Cause you deserve to not cry anymore. Do it for yourself...i need to find a way to support myself before i do anything. No more tears, cause tears are not meant to fall so frequently when there is nothing yet to fear. You have always been strong. Dont change now...I fell in love with that girl once upon a time.

Confusion

What do you do when you are in love with someone who isn't ready to love you the same? Or do you even know if they love you the same and they are just not ready to take on the extreme amount of hapiness. Are you supposed to move on with your life, or hang by an underappreciated thread that holds you high above a fiery pit of agony. I mean, seriously, what the fuck do you do?

I love the girl with all of my heart. My heart always belongs to her no matter what. It seems that I cannot escape that. But here she is going away every so often and fucking this guy like he's something, yet she comes back to me and longs for me to hold her in my arms. Ironic? Where do you find comfort in such an idea? A notion of solice and recluse? Not possible in my mind. That's what makes me feel like it's time to just ditch the notion that I wanna be with this beautifully amazing woman. Like I could ever want to hang on and wait for such a thing. That's not fair to me, a man who is willing to give this woman the world and she knows it. She needs to see what she has in front of her and stop looking out into nothingness like she can find something. And if she is looking for something, why do I feel like she loves me more everyday? A good loving relationship cannot operate off of this alone. Maybe for three months, but times up. There exists no more minutes because someone else has offered me a chance to be wanted and appreciated for who I am.

No one deserves to not be given a chance. Especially if they make you smile. Ya know, you make me smile all the time...but its too good to be true when you aren't mine. Most people understand that, but you decide to take the promiscuous route. I mean, by all means, take your time, but don't complain when I am trying to find my own superficial route to temporary enjoyment...like you. Don't kid yourself. You aren't that ridiculous. You have a rational brain...thats what brought us to meet each other in the first place; denying all the odds in favor of a love that could not exist otherwise without letting it just happen. You only find that once in a lifetime it seems.

Just figure out your confusion and let me know when you are ready to talk turkey.