More confusion

I thought I knew what I was doing...I was almost sure and quite determined. And then I woke up and thought of you. I don't know if it is these entries of yours that you keep on writing that makes this so biased, but I guess I couldn't help it...cause the last two days I have thought less of you than ever before. And then today came...

I am trying to find happiness, a certain content that must only be thought of for right now and picked up later when I am ready. I want something to just jump out at me and make me realize what the fuck I am doing. But I did get one of those on Sunday night at Devaneys. I kept wondering what the hell I was doing with myself. I almost feel as if I jumped back in too quick, because I wasn't all there. Thought the alcohol would help, but your kisses weren't all the same. They were more troubled than before and less connective. I was walking around just trying to get my mind off of it, but it wouldn't go. I wanted to wake up the next morning at 12 and just run away, because I was so confused. Don't you wish it was easy to just run away from everything and not come back until humanly ready? Till clarity of mind has hit you right in the face? Slapped you around a bit and put you on the appropriate track.

I fear that after these two weeks, that I might still not know what I want. I fear that horribly. I wish there was something, some extraordinary proof that made me realize things much more easier. I want someone to take me away from all this bullshit and put me on a mountain, an island, a plain field of amber-waving splendor, somewhere like in the movies where everyone runs to be alone and discover themselves.

I want to talk to you, but I can't. I can't because you will cry and that is the whole reason why I did this...to get you to stop crying, to talk with you on a level which we used to...one without tears, without sorrow, without pity so that I could make decisions on my own without feeling bad for you. I want to know that every decision I make is for me, not to make you feel better, because I care about you so much I would do something against my will just to see you smile...but right now, it is unfair to me to do that. I have to find myself. I don't know if you have him locked up behind all of this sadness or if he is out there blindly walking around trying to find himself in the cold.

Either way, I'm cold. I'm frozen in my indecision. I can't move yet. It's not working so far. But maybe the beginning is supposed to be hard. Maybe I am supposed to miss you a bit and see where it leads me more towards the end. Please don't judge me in whatever I am doing. Let me do whatever it takes to figure this out. WHATEVER IT TAKES! Please. You owe me that. Although I don't want to point fingers, you lit the match first and dropped it...and once the flame started trickling up towards this nasty bomb, it was already on its way to explode like this. You can't expect any more out of me now, because I wanted you for the longest time and stuck next to you through it all, waiting for you to jump. You jumped too late, and now its time to use your skills to get back to your original landing site so that you don't land in the water. And I am trying to jump for you and after you, but I need better direction and to see if you will lead me to the promise land...that place where nothing else matters but what we once had, holding on to it for dear life and never letting things shake our confidence EVER AGAIN. I've lost a bit of hope along the way, but I am still hopeful. I need time...though time cannot move any faster right now, and it kills me.

I hope you are ok. Maybe Ill see you soon just to check on you...as my best friend. I am so horribly sorry that you have to deal with this, even if it was based on that one flick of a match. I do love you Em. Ill never stop loving you cause I promised that to you, and I never lied about that. But i need to be in love with you 100% to do this, and I have lost quite some value to that recently. I've been shaken up and my confidence has gone awry. I don't know anymore where we are going...though I know our connection still exists beyond it all. We will be kids in love again...I just don't know when. I don't want to promise you things I cannot keep. But falling in love cannot be planned after a 2 week period either. It happens with spontanaeity and a bit of unplanned effort...like it did in the first place. Maybe the time I take to do whatever will make me realize that. But I need your help. I never lost faith in you and what you were capable of doing...dont lose faith in me...

God damnit Em, why couldn't you just do something two weeks earlier? Why did it take someone esle to try to take me away from you for you to finally want to take me back? Why couldn't you claim me when you had me? I was right there the WHOLE FUCKING TIME and you didn't even make real love to me, tell me you were willing to make this whole thing work out, and give it all up? You hurt me by holding on to me half-like like you did...you shared your feelings with someone else and that damaged me, enough to make me lie to you and lose my strength in us. Please see that, see how it feels knowing the one person you love with all of your heart (and are even willing to hurt for) is on top of some other guy, not thinking completely of you, having drinks with someone else, not talking about how wonderful you are (like once before), sleeping in someone else's bed, not wanting to do everything with you, not listening to your cries of sadness, not strongly believing that you were the reason for coming home and waking up every morning....That HURTS SOOO BAD. You are looking for me, well you almost killed the Josh you are looking for. I am deeply hurt. No excuses or alternate reasoning. I am dying. I am trying to heal myself cause no one else can.
You couldn't have just heeded my warning, as I told you to get rid of the superficiality of your life and take what matters most and hold it dear to your heart. Life is way too short, Em. Time always runs short when you procrastinate for another day...minute...second...gone, nothing. I hope in it all you have learned never to toy with this love, whether it be true or not. But then again, if it is true, it will fix itself, find itself all over. So there's my faith, my hope, my true belief as it has always been...I have never shied from what I believe in. I haven't lied to myself or you in that manner. Please don't forget that.