Response

I haven't had time to write, although the urge came to me on the same monday I started this "time" thing. I have figured out a couple of things about myself and the situation within which I am in. But I have to make sure for certain that it is me that is deciding. So I am getting to know myself as I used to be, not the lying asshole that I pretended to be in the past 3 months. I am revealing all and not hiding anything from anyone or myself. It's not fair to lie...to oneself or to another. Because it bites you right back in the ass. I have no regrets anymore and I am happier because of that. I forgot how comfy my bed was, even though I don't like sleeping in it alone. It's doable though, this whole thing is doable. It takes will power and strength. I wish I could give that to you, but you wouldn't take it.
I just got back from a wine tasting with my mom and dad and have not had so much fun with my family in quite some time. I realized that I need to reconnect with those I care about the most that I have not paid attention to in some time. My wonderful friend Ashley is one of them and I thank her for all of her insight and unbiased opinion. My family, whom i love so much, will see more of me and get to know me as a person without boundaries. I hope that this time is going to prove what I already feel. I hope that it is already predestined and that I am not confusing myself. I want to be happy again, confident knowing that everything will be just fine if I follow my heart, my broken little heart. I wish that everything could be so much easier, but it will not.
Someone is going to get hurt, and either way I am going to feel that as well. I am mentally preparing myself for that. I will feel it with whomever must take on that agony. But it is a growing process, a learning experience, a new level of education that doesn't cooperate with any other learning facility or divine will/faith/fate. Either way, I know who my soulmate is, I know who I love in my life. I hope they all know it wholeheartedly and just trust me on that.
I have lied. I won't lie. I cannot anymore. I am so sorry for ever lying, because it is an evil pattern that can increase exponentially if you stick on the train for the next stop. You'll get lost amongst the cars and can only lie in the sleep car bed that you have made for yourself. But when you find the courage to jump out the window with blind faith, you will lie bloody and torn on a bush of thorns...but you will be alive. Pick yourself up, Josh/whomever. Don't be afraid to follow the road less taken. It's a long road, but thats where the soul and your heart's destiny finds the way.
It's gonna be hard, but thats the way this whole "situation" began. The best relationships are those that must be the hardest (not that that was verbatim, but I got the point of the horoscope). In the end, everything works out. That's why I never fret, I never lack happiness. You are right, I am independent. But you should have seen that before this all happened. I don't want to say its too little too late, but you should see some of that. Why this happened and all. Please understand that and stop telling me how bad you hurt cause i lied. I saw that. I did, still do. I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry. I promise I never meant to hurt you. And I never wish it ended. But it did...so im making due with what I have right now. Im taking the strongest things in my life and making them my strength. I love you...you know that. So take that and survive, for YOU. Not me, for you. Cause you deserve to not cry anymore. Do it for yourself...i need to find a way to support myself before i do anything. No more tears, cause tears are not meant to fall so frequently when there is nothing yet to fear. You have always been strong. Dont change now...I fell in love with that girl once upon a time.