3 things

I do love you....you know that...I see what you are looking for...I see that you want me so badly. I see that clearly. I just can't understand why I don't want it as much anymore. I feel like you are making excuses when you say 1. that I didn't tell you so, 2. that I wasn't waiting for you the whole time, that 3. I wasn't as heartbroken. Well, let me set the record straight...

1. I told you so. I told you many many MANY times in all of the journal entries, all of the little suggestions, telling you we should not move into this apartment (unless it was a one bedroom) and that I needed my own place, telling you to make this work even when you doubted it. You know, Jorge is right, I should have just slapped you. I wish I did, but you probably wouldn't have even seen it then. Woulda, shoulda, coulda...We all make mistakes in life, its just how quickly you can fix them and if you are even aware of who you are affecting in the process. It could be the one you want to love for eternity. I just keep on thinking you didn't do it fast enough...and now I need my time. I kind of want to do what we were supposed to do in the first place and take time.

2. You knew I was waiting for you. Regardless of the lies (which sucked ass that I kept it going and almost thought I could ever keep it going), you saw me trying for us harder than ever. And even if I were to really have had something, I told you every night that we spent together that noone could ever compare to you and how much I still loved you. Then someone gives me a chance to be single and have my time away from you, and you flip out. Then it faded Em...I dunno how much, but enough. Cause I have always been devoted to you, and now you are just realizing that? And stop blaming her for our own problems, I did it! I DID it! She couldn't take me away from you, but you could. And you did...you scared me into thinking that everything was way too predictable. I leave you with a thought...would you wait almost three months to be with me while I was fucking someone else?

3. I was heartbroken the second you came home with your hair all ruffled up and the shit eating grin plastered to your face. You looked at me like I didn't exist...didn't kiss me, didn't talk to me the same, like you weren't my Emily. Then we half assed some attempt (even though at times it was a great conversation always.) to try to stay emotionally and sexually involved. But that is not/was not ever good enough for someone like me who gave you the time of day on 50 different watches, I asked how high to jump, and I held your hand through this drive on such a bumpy road. Now I'm weary. Sure you are heartbroken for me lying to you, but you have no excuse because you forfeited the chance long ago it feels...that is, if you wanted it to be as strong as you write about. Now you want to give me the world...ive been giving you everything since pretty much this week. Everything and anything. I was far damaged far before this even started. Im still damaged I think. And look at me, I'm standing still. How does a human being do that when he has been killed inside? He makes due and gets what he wants.

And please stop snooping....you are only making it harder on yourself and I by taking things I say to justify some of your reasons for. I dunno what will come of this for you, Em, but I denifitely know I am needing this time for starters. Ill figure out the rest later...but I WILL be me at work....