Thinking in the bahamas

Tuesday Night
First night was pretty uneventful. I started out just feeling out the deck and the procedures of the ship, triggering memories from a Carnival cruise past. On that, my memories of past and future travel cannot escape me. I remember all of the good moments spent in love and the fun we had just being us. I saw this cruise being so much better, much more intimate, being that we have grown so much more and found a new light within us. Though the fact that we couldn’t really buy our own wine would have inhibited our abilities…maybe I was just thinking that anything with you would be perfect; it will be perfect.
I think about you…I think about how when you and I take a cruise by ourselves one day that it will be so romantic, perfect, ideal. I want it all with you. No doubt about that.
I guess the doubt stems from what happened in the first place…I’m still afraid to jump. Maybe we both have trust issues then, because I see what you are all about today, but cannot believe wholeheartedly that all of a sudden you want me to be the love of your life that I have always been. I fear that you will fear life without being crazy or having experimented with those faint ideas of single-ness or promiscuity. If that’s not the case, then please reassure me somehow. When I feel like I can trust this, then maybe you can trust me, or we can just drop everything and start trusting each other? I don’t know. I do know that I am thinking about you and that my heart is empty right now…and you seem to pour into it and equal it out. I want it to be full, not half empty…as pessimistic as that sounds, but it fits because I was once whole with you. But I don’t regret this learning “situation” as it has helped me to appreciate things about you, myself, life in general, and life as a philosophy.
Life doesn’t matter much if you aren’t sharing it with someone. It’s like when people buy expensive things and defend themselves by stating that they spend the money solely because makes them feel better about themselves. But it really comes down to someone else noticing it to find any true value, even if only miniscule by a glance. To enjoy it with someone is the true gift in life and makes you realize that good things in life do not have a price tag. Even though gifts are bright, shiny, soft, colorful, rare, pricey, or highly sought after…if they have no meaning, then they are unnecessary!
I’m simple like that. I think I got that from my dad who does not understand to this day why expensive jewelry is so appealing. But then again, my mom and dad are two different people. Not you and I. A couple like you and I make the ideals of the perfect relationship have a chance of working. We give it our own importance in our heart and minds, and the fact that we attempt each and every day to make it work keeps the spark in our relationship. It always will. It’s good to set goals that are easily attainable, and to structure a goal based on a good relationship that two people ultimately want. The only total satisfaction can be given at the end of the road with death after an amazing life’s journey. And the numerous checkpoints of immediate satisfaction increasingly add to the finale of life’s significance.
So I watched “Click” with Adam Sandler. I love all of his movies because they have these cheesy morals that come from a realization after a mistake from a wrong decision or lack thereof. But every time it comes to that realization, and he realizes he cannot live without her, it gives me hope that when you really love someone and know it, that all else will work out…that love is meant to flourish, be unrealistic at times, lead to irrationality, and give justification for any actions that only mean to prove it. It isn’t the epitomized perfection that people immediately expect, can never be. But that perfection everyone desires is that journey love will bring you on if you let it. Its that end of the road epiphany that says your life could only be described by one word, a word that ensures your life’s work was not unfounded and had no regrets…that everything was done for a reason, was done from the heart, always holding true to itself and because it was your faithful leap giving it all, it was perfect. Perfection=life’s conclusion/closure/meaning/reasoning. Striving towards a goal and never faltering…that’s perfect. That’s a reason for living, a reason to fight.
I think about her too. I believe it’s an attraction...its thinking about her and being excited that I am hanging out with a cute girl that likes me for who I am…no previous involvement or investment. Something new. I guess you knew that already. It’s a “something” that gets me far away from the hurt I once had…puts me in a realm where I need not worry or feel underappreciated. That’s why I like it…its certain as to what it is. Another reason why I don’t see a future in it is because I know exactly this. I often lack the words to explain it, but that is just what it is. I think I still want to and still do think about her because I am not convinced that what you want and what I want are the same. That goes with what you are willing to do and what I am willing to do for love…and whether this is true love. I wish I knew. I thought I knew. I know, but do you? I like that poem I made, where “Lets always stay kids in love” because that describes perfectly what I desire from us. We had such a blind love that aimed to please in all facets. I would rather be blinded when it comes to this because that way the outside influences cannot be seen or affect us. But if we are strong enough, nothing can shake us anymore. Be attracted to someone, that’s ok. Just don’t want to act on that…because that was never the case before. We used to be attracted to other people but always brag about each other to our friends. I loved that. As kids in love we are shielded from the adult world and complex adult feelings that overanalyze everything.
Its simple. I love you, you love me. We think about each other constantly, and enjoy each other’s company. We laugh, we cry, we live and we see the good and bad in each other. We are prone to be around each other and experience everything together because we like each other’s company. And we make each other feel good in EVERY way, shape and form. We know each other so intimately…it’s too late. No more complexity. It will always stay that way, cannot escape it. It will make itself work because it is simply meant to be that you and I met on a million different levels on that day, in this castle we have built. It’s written in the stars. Shall we let them soar across the vast evening sky and onwards to infinity through the endless universe we share? Its all ours.

Wednesday Night/Thursday early morning

Just got back from the casino where I won 7.25..lol. I actually had 20 bucks won, but I kept playing because the money didn’t matter. But it would have paid for my liquor that I bought today. I got 2 bottles of Patron, 1 bottle of 1800, 1 bottle of Cointreau, 1 BIG bottle of Absolut for us, 1 bottle of Absolut Citron, and 1 bottle of Crown. Yeah, I’m an alchy to say the least…but I figured since its Christmas I should spend like it. And what do I ever want for x-mas anyways but more fun with you. So since I cannot have that immediately, I have liquor out the wazoo.
Went “ultimate” snorkeling and saw the underworld of the sea in Grand Turk. Very interesting. Wished I could have dove down and explored more, but don’t really know how to Scuba yet. Wanna teach me? Lol. Or better yet, go with me. Then went and bought all that liquor, got changed, went back to the port to Margaritaville, which was interesting. It put me three super-margarita-bongs deep into shitty tequila, so naturally right now I am kind of queasy because of the rocking and the excess food and such. I can’t wait to work out tomorrow actually…worked out Tuesday and felt good. But the food is awesome and worth the extra weight that I need anyways.
So I looked at the stars tonight and lost myself for a bit. Wishing you are here isn’t good for me because it makes me regret coming on this cruise and I have to pretend to have fun at times. It’s almost as if I convince myself that I am bored, having to force myself into fun situations. But I am having a blast, and taking lots of pictures. It’s really the conversations and sharing experiences with my best friend that I miss. No one has anything interesting to say, not like you. We bullshit all the time, and if there ever is a silence it is filled with laughter and more intimate conversation. We can do that with each other.
I feel in a haze. Maybe it is the tequila? Or maybe I am coming off of a high that I had when I was back home in the same town with you. I feel dumb, lost, confused and zombie-like, looking for something exciting to follow or someone stimulating and with direction to talk with. It’s almost like I am skipping time by not paying attention to anything. I only have fun when it is available, otherwise I go back into idle mode.
I got your text and sent you one back. Boy, I hope it isn’t like 50 bucks just to send you that, but if it was, it was the best 50 bucks I could have ever spent. I want you to know I am thinking about you and I love you, even though I couldn’t say it. But you know. And im glad you do. I want you to know that no matter what confusion may crowd my cranium, that I love you so so much, as it is the reason for the congestion plaguing my mind.
I’ve realized I am to be in no rush. That I feel this way because I need time. But I know that I want to start cashing in on these dreams of ours, just without the definite labels I guess. We can have fun, date, do whatever without me committing just yet. And the sooner I see that as a great situation and start to feel the comfort of you as my own, then I’ll give you my name as boyfriend Josh. Lol. But you are always my everything. I’ll figure it out. Still waiting for that epiphany…but can’t look so hard for it or I’ll scare it away, right along with my confidence in us.

Thursday night
Dinner is in an hour. Don’t be late. I have a toast to propose to us…and some tasty Riesling to complement…
I just had some tea with Mom and couldn’t escape thoughts of you. It seems like you occupy a majority of my mental slate during each day out here. I wanted to talk more with her about you and the situation I am in, but she wouldn’t have helped…just offering her piece of mind to support me either way. She can’t help me, not even I can.
I went to the private island (Half Moon Cay) today around 11ish. I take picture upon picture and hope it makes the memories worth it, remembering every smile, every moment standing around, every eye-capturing shot that my eyes had the chance not to forget. I didn’t get a sunburn so that’s a plus…wanted a tan without the burn and sort of achieved my objective. Drank a couple of beers, but the more I drink on this vacation the more I dislike it. Bud light in an aluminum bottle-mimicking can really makes me sick now, especially at 4.50 a piece (or today it was 5.00 on the island…screw that shit). Devaney’s, where are you? Lol. I believe that the fact that I am not able to be social with my family is a really big buzz killer, so its like I don’t even feel the alcohol but I get the fullness and nastiness in my stomach from it…as if I were eating a brew and not enjoying it. So I’m not gonna drink until I get home now. That will save me money and sanity knowing for certain that alcohol can’t make any situation just run away or any different or any more bearable for that matter. I can’t wait to be around exciting people again, and be one again without anyone being able to bring me down.
I take a lot of pictures…I can’t wait to show you. Maybe I want you to be here, and taking pictures will play out the story as I tell it to you as good as possible. Maybe then you’ll know that you were there all along.
As I count down the seconds till I have arrived home at 7 am on Saturday, I continue to preoccupy myself with things to do to pass the time. Tomorrow is an early wake up day, so ill watch Da Vinci Code on the telly, go gamble at the blackjack tables, or just go on deck and stare at the stars (hoping to see a shooting star outside of a meteor shower). Then I’ll sleep, wake up, do it all again tomorrow and wake up on Saturday to find myself home early. I kind of want to see you as soon as possible, but I have this feeling that I should wait until I get home to decide. I haven’t kissed nor done anything else with anyone…I wonder if you did the same by me. Just a fleeting jealous thought because I am so lost in my own indecision that you could do that despite your feelings. Though I hope you didn’t, because for some reason that would make things so much worse for me to get out of my spiraling confusion. Even though we can both do whatever we want, it’s as if we are both afraid of the other sleeping with someone else. Why are we so worried about the other as if we could be “cheating” on each other right now? And why can’t I just trust that you wouldn’t? Or you trust me? We have really done some damage to each other. I want to heal, and I wish it could be by Saturday. I wish I never had to doubt myself like I do now, because before I never doubted my abilities, decision or me in us. We got to think of something to do…
Oh, and by the way, I have you on my mind all the time on this vacation because I want to spend my every valuable moment with you, always be in love, and never regret a thing. With you, that’s possible…overly possible, and never impossible.
I hope you love me enough to push through all of this, and anything I put you through. I hope you stay strong as I used to be for us. Right now, I am the weak one. Don’t lose yourself again…Please! Fight for me, with me, and against me when I need you the most or want you the least. Because overall, you are my one. Soulmates? Partners in crime? How about the best of friends? The answer is D. All of the Above.