Counting days?

This cruise thing, I hope, will bring me to complete attainment of self-understanding. I hope. I hope. And I hope the most that there is such a thing as that...just taking a week from everything and sorting out your whole life's decisions. Mimicking Siddhartha in that fashion? That would be great. I've never really had a spiritual experience as he, never lost my mind to find my heart and soul...well, I lied. I did meet you.

I always thought of true love bringing someone to experience the most spiritual aspects of the world, bringing them into a trance where you let your body express itself in the deepest sense of pleasure while letting your mind go. You have to be completely comfortable to do that, and thats probably why sex as a young adult cannot be as euphoric. Once you've experienced it all, gotten into a routine of sorts, and no longer worry, you can find yourself. But why do I feel as if making love to you can reach that height much quicker? That maybe it has, but needs more exploration. Why do I feel as if you and I can do this for the rest of our lives, yet I am stuck in a hole and cannot seem to pull myself out? I see freaky looking couples talk about how they have the most amazing love making sessions and they connect on every level. Minus the freakiness, I see that in us. I see us being open-minded with each other always, exploring every quality inch of ourselves (inside and out) until we hit each peak of the mountains we climb. But why am I so afraid?

I think I am scared to be hurt again...because being hurt the first time shook my prior confidence of thinking that because our relationship was so good that we didn't need anything else. Then you needed something else. And I wasn't it. I want to be reassured in every measure that it could not ever happen again...that there isn't a chance that my ideals of true love will be shaken. I mean, think about it...you have so many years to change your mind. What if in another year or two you do it again? Then I've fallen in a deeper hole; bound, gagged and damaged. How can I know (without you verbally making it known) that I have you? I promised you something when we first fell, when we tripped over our own two feet into a sea of content, that I would always make you happy. I restated it when I told you to "choose me, youll always be happy". I'm sorry I said that and didn't know I was so damaged as to not be ready. But I meant it. I would spend every passing second making sure that you were cheezing till our heart's content.

If we do decide to float back together, maybe we should take it slow...like you said, we should maybe just date, spend time getting to know these new adults we have become. It's funny, cause I feel like everytime we change in life, you and I somehow will find each other. 'Cause the second we did, it was like destiny came into play and locked us into stalemate. We cannot move, we're stuck...did you want to be stuck to me, be my girl, be my one and only, be the 75% of my daily thoughts, be my amazing lover, be my wife, my children's mother, be the 100% of my heart and my reason for living?

I need time...the biggest thing I fear is that the longer I wait, the less of a chance we have in making this perfect. I learned that much from when I was waiting on you. I need to know, if I required, could you wait just a bit longer? It must have been nice knowing after I told you, as pathetic as I was, that I hadn't kissed anyone much when you were doing your thing. I dunno, thats selfish to ask of me. I can't place limits on you or set up boundaries by which you should operate...but I still fear. I wish I knew in my heart that you will still be mine through this time we are going through; cause mine was always yours up until the last weeks. But I guess now that we are experiencing the same thing and you see where I am going, then you will be able to.

Thanks for being my best friend, by the way. I had an amazing night on Wednesday, and I'm glad you were being the "rational kitty" that I always knew. Don't change now...