The first night

I'm thinking about you...wishing this body pillow was your head on my shoulder and your loving arms in mine.

After a long drive (well quick compared to most) to Gainesville, thinking about her every second of the way, I am awake from my slumber. It wasn't as horrible as I thought to sleep without her for a first time where I was the one leaving. I slept like a baby, but dreamt like a troubled soul. I was chasing her in my dream, trying to convince her to be mine and forget about the "chase". It didn't work.

I have realized a lot in these past couple of days. With the help of a good friend, I have learned how my heart works and what it must do to survive. I still miss her dearly, and I always hoped that she would miss me just as much. Secretly. I am pretty sure she doesn't so thats what makes it harder to hope for it. And if she does, then I just wish she wouldn't be so shy as to let me know, even if it was the simple text message of our technological era. Thank god for that!

So I try not to think about the fact that my eyes are weighing heavy with tears behind the retinal barrier to the outside. I just hope that sooner or later I can just see her again, date her and hear her tell me everything, that which makes her smile. To hear her speak about her thoughts is a priviledge that I have always longed for, without inhibition. I think I have attained that now, being that I know everything that has happened. Thanks for telling me, by the way. I know you so well, better than you might know yourself.

Do you ever wish for perfection? If I have ever wished for it before, I never truly wanted it...until now. I wish upon whichever star, one that sacrifices itself as a vessel for my dreams/hopes/desires in life, that this friendship works out perfectly as planned. We have something, and I hope we don't lose that. I can see a beautiful connection in my view of the future, telling each other every thought without holding back, talking about all the good and bad in our lives, hanging out for hours and just laughing about nothing, going on fun dates to places we have never been, speaking of what we have learned in our lives lessons, how drunk we got the other night and how she was afraid to take a big fat nasty in front of her friends. Those kind of details. I want that bad. I don't want a relationship. It MAY be because I know she isn't ready for it, because I would give her the world and that is a heavy load to carry when unprepared. I have some experiencing of my own to do, some soul searching if you will. But what will keep me going is this "perfection" I long for or something like it.

Anything will suffice. Just to see those pretty blue eyes that smile when I am near. Those eyes kill me, but make me so much happier.