Perspective

-Writing your thoughts down will allow you to see how you feel, but from a new perspective that you otherwise could not see.

Just got off the phone with you...did a bit of work. But I can never stop thinking about you. So I just jumped around on some sites and ended up here. www.xanga.com/inlovewithu1123 .

Sometimes I just wish that you felt the same way you did once upon a time. Sometimes I wonder if you didn't care about all the things you now care about. Those crazy thoughts that you were so confident in and even thought that Hegarty believed in too. lol It sucks cause reading those blogs made me feel so good inside, but I don't know whether I should be feeling that. The way you wrote was writing for today, our Junior year, the 2 year mark, how everything is too perfect and doesn't need to be tried as too perfect. I mean, granted, everything we have is great. I just feel it could always be better. Not in the same sense that I used to write about in my previous entries, about how I wanted more this and more that. I wish I never would have written some of those things, cause I was content always in the moment with you.
Laughing about stupid stuff, doing things together all the time, not able to contain ourselves when the other was at work, and never growing tired of each other. I wonder if that is still the case. I wonder what changed if it did.
Back then the moment is all you waited for...the moment when I would make you laugh again, when i would come home, when we would be over with a week of testing to go out on a little date. Now the moment has become years to be impatient for.

Seriously you should read some of the things you wrote.
It was almost too perfect everything you wrote.
There is no perfect though, so it must have just been too real.
I like real, reality with you in it. I can't get over that. I can get over the fact that you are fucking someone else just cause I had to. Because that's essentially what you wanted.
But sometimes I just feel like all of this is just what you want. Like its not my reality. Like I am living in some fake paradise that only exists when the bubble has finally popped for you and you're ready for me. Like you think you have me, but you don't. What do you think?

So I don't know if you have me, and you shouldn't think you do. Even though I always feel close to you in mind and body. But I think every day that goes by that you aren't mine it makes me want you less. Is that scary? Does that scare you at all? I could be gone from your life and you might not get to ask me what you wanted to that Thursday night in March. What if you weren't "so damn happy" ever again? Sure you can be happy, but can you be that overly happy as to want to throw some expressive adjective in front of the word. When i say I'm "so damn happy", im usually bursting...I'd love to see you burst again, smile like you knew what was in front of you. You know what I mean jelly bean? "Do you really have a clue? No, really??? Its absurdity..."

I know this thing between us now can work, but it just teases me more and more. You know the feeling a bit i'm sure. I can't fuck someone else for the rest of my life and want to open my eyes and see you there smiling up at me with those pretty blues of yours. It sucks. Cause I don't want to be with you tomorrow...I want you right now, as I am typing. I want to be able to walk in the room right now, kiss your forehead and procrastinate in a much better way than now. I want to caress your cheek with my lips and hold your warm palms in my hand. I want time to go faster for you and to slow down for me...weird huh? "what is time between two people anyways? Especially between people like us. Why does it have to be used as marker for relationships in our society? That's gay. Everybodys gay." Ya know, who says we have to be a certain age to be that crazy in love and go nuts with each other? We did it 2 years ago...I think it's still there, maybe?

This relationship isn't all that horrible, I will say. It's easier for me to not care as much. And you seem to be happy with it. plus you are "always looking for things to bring us closer. Not too mention that would really showcase to everyone else that we have the best damn relationship lol! (sorry can't help but wanna show these feelings off!)". I'll agree to that!

Question: Why don't you ever write anymore?

You should try it...you really wrote some inspiring material. No doubt. Read it, you'll see. You are such an amazing person when you write. You really shine when you type...almost like your smile just pours out of your words. You always thought you couldn't, but you can...anything you set your mind to. You are amazing!

Request: Take some time and write how you feel. Maybe then I'll understand. Maybe then you'll understand.