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Yet again I come up with something to write about and it has to deal with something negative that has bothered me. Ever since this whole breakup/get back together thing with Emily, thoughts riddle my mind of that guy. Em says now I realize it, but I have always felt that anger that she felt towards G, but I figured I could stomach it and it would go away. But seeing pictures of her hanging out with just Krystal and him make me sick to my stomach; Pictures of drunken decisions to dance ever so close that remind me of those drunken decisions she made that caused me so much pain in the first place; that first month into Victoria Place. The decision that killed me, but changed me.

Present day: a 2800 sq ft place in Avalon Park, almost ideal for the married couple. But she says she's not thinking that ever. Most likely to guard herself. But then comes the question? Why did I ever move in again? Why did I commit to something that promised not what I wanted...a relationship finally stabilized with trust, love, and happiness. She calls me the King of Liars. Harsh.

Those little comments that she so quickly forgets builds inside of me like a rage unbeknown to many except those who fight for freedom of their country. She says she supports me 100%, but simply saying "I support you" is not support. Support is the extra efforts we put towards someones goals or dreams. I haven't even felt a push. Especially when she discourages me from staying out late to find a means to be free and to give her the same. It's a "stupid business that puts me in debt :)" or "weird shit" that she supports. Oxymoronic? Indeed. And yeah sure they are petty things that she probably doesn't mean to say. But in dealing with this, it is difficult to motivate with someone you love cracking jokes and mean comments about it as if it were simply a joke, not an opportunity. It weighs down upon me.

I really wish I could reach out to her and get her to see the things that inch me down to nothing. But she's so FUCKING DEFENSIVE. (Angry keystrokes...somewhat felt better). She's never wrong, always avoiding the facts. And she thinks I am cheating on her. I don't care what she says, the thought runs through her head. Easy to anger or upset she is. I can sense the lack of trust. And it only begets more lack of trust on my part.

I can't trust her. She'll do whatever she wants and think its ok. But I tell her one problem that tears at my heart, and she can't promise or refrain from smirking....

Almost like that smirk that she gave when she came home on a saturday morning...

Her hair messed up, quiet as ever but full of details from her falsely lubricated sexual encounter. I could smell it on her...the deceit, the fear, the excitement, all bundled up into one big package of bull shit. I came home that night, and asked her who she fucked. (By the way, pardon the vulgarities...I've been having to try to break the habit for 3 years almost to no success. Its difficult when that's all you hear). She smirked. Denied it. She LIED right to my soul, right into my eyes. Damn, I was good at holding back those tears then. Stupid me too, when she admitted it, I already knew. And I wanted details because I was in such denial. What a sick person I was.

Even sicker was when I took that one lie that destroyed me and created a lifestyle out of it. "You can lie too" said the devil to my left. "Don't do it, Josh" said my better conscience. "Can YOU cure the pain, the hurt I'm feeling?" I asked. "Only time will cure all ills. And it shall make you stronger." Forget that...I needed a quick fix. So I took myself to Gainesville to forget about it all. I came back with much more than a lie. I had created a lifestyle based on a lie. And it got me laid too. Sickens me just thinking about it. The one thing that was to bring us apart was the one thing that made sex that much more interesting. Where's ABC when you need them. Write a drama about this, won't you? Now sex has no excitement anymore, because neither do we.

Sex is an evil thing. It is in the innate human that sexual desires creep in when you least expect it. Whether it be from a lack of love and intimacy, or rom the desires for the things/people you cannot morally get your hands on. Sex kills more people than cigarettes but in a similar fashion. Without it, you'll die of depression and anguish as your body feans for it. The stress it creates in your body will diminish your life expectancy and wear down on you. But with it, you are just increasing the amount of harm it does on you until it's too late. I think that's why a lot of people abstain from it. It's addictive and can drive a person mad. But it feels so good. And maybe married couples don't have it as much as younger single adults do due to the fact that it becomes an act of lovemaking rather than lusting. And within great marriages comes a decent amount of ups and downs, with the ups leading towards more of it. But it will always be cyclical.

Off of that tangent...lol

A smirk can be as evil as a smirk that killed once before. It scares me. And she doesn't care. Or she knows that what I am saying has some truth to it and will not face it for me. She won't do that for me because "Oh, well what about all those times I asked you to stop seeing her." Yeah, those times when you gave me an ultimatum to decide or I'd lose you. Why would I ever want to lose her? Maybe now, but not ever then. Then I slowly transitioned back to normal, but never beseeched her. And yet I'm the cheater heard around the world. I think not. "You lied first," I say in unnecessary defense. "What are you talking about? You are the even bigger liar," she says with uncontrollable defense. "You shattered my heart and put me in that position because I loved you so much and wanted you to think I was a bad ass so you'd want me again. Want me like you used to," I cried. And I did. "But you were lying to me the whole time." I had no other choice. I couldn't sleep, couldn't look at another picture of her without wanting to cry, without wanting what I once had. I had to find someone who was going to make me happy, because she was aparently . And unfortunately, it happened to be a friend of ours. But she cared about me deeply. And that's what I needed. Yet I got back with Emily, because she cared about me the most and made the biggest mistake, she says. But now she cares about me and my feelings the least. I feel like I was lied to. Like I should have ended it when it was ended against my will. That should have been my sign.

So here I lie, stuck between a rock and a really nice place. I don't think I can go on living in such a nice place with a woman who doesn't love me or trust me. Well she loves me, but is not in love with me. It feels like its already dead, but no one has buried it. And she tells me nothing to convince me otherwise. She lingers between wanting to have a friend for life and wanting a boyfriend for now; constantly teeter tottering between the two because her trust issues are throwing off the balance. I don't know what to do again. Am I to always remain lost inside of this heart of mine? Why can't someone save me. Man, this sucks. I can't even cry. I can't let it all out anymore, as there is nothing left to give. I need some fuel, something to recharge my batteries so I can let myself go, push myself to act.

If there is a god, a deity of sorts, or even stardust. I need your help. Please give me the strength to find the right decision. To empower me to stand my ground. If I am overreacting please let something overcome me that brings back the love and happiness in my life. If I am reasoning for truthful concerns, then allow me to save face and get out of this before I get myself hurt again. I can't take another broken piece of my heart, for I might crumble into a bitter person. Allow reason to sink into her heart and for us to find each other one on one like we used to. I long for the feeling that I am loved only for my personality and the content of my heart, not from any of the physical or the looks of me. I want love, not lust; a unified trust. Nothing less, nothing more. A friendship that will soar, beyond all reason and doubt, bringing some sort of solace and serenity to my troubled heart.

I don't want to be troubled like everyone else. I want an enriched life filled with good decisions, good feelings and happiness. There are too many people losing their lives every single day for reasons only decided by fate. I don't want to die knowing I didn't find that one special person that would love me unconditionally and allow me to do the same.

Life is sad today. But if tomorrow comes, I pray to find a meaning or a reason to live by.

About Submissive Me

Ok, so I finally submitted to the networking miracle that is Facebook. Even though I started the Myspace trend with a couple of my friends and my now-addicted girlfriend Emily, I am almost the last in my group of friends to jump into this newer friends network. I added all my friends from high school and from work. Stepped into a moment of memories of the old days, wishing I could see everyone again and catch up. Yet I know life is too hectic and there will be time for that one of these days after my efforts have been completed to figure out where I am going.
But facebook has posed a question that I have often asked myself. And I came up with some interesting thoughts about me, or within me for that matter. It reads:

"About Me
Simply put, I am a normal guy seeking out the most in life. I'm legal and still alive, and thats good by many standards. I'm a hopeless romantic, part of the few that still remain, and I am not afraid to show it. Romanticism still exists, you just have to recreate it for yourself. Love is made, not sought after or hoped for. I try to treat every person with the respect that they deserve, and ignore the negativity of those who demand too much. I want to grow up and have an amazingly beautiful family and be at all the baseball games, school recitals and capture all the moments of explosive laughter. I want that dream, and I will fight to make it mine. I'm just like every other guy, but with too big of a dream.
When you realize where you'll be in 40 years and focus on where you want to be in 40 years, you'll find no reason not to take chances; to make mistakes; to learn life the hard way. True success is based upon the foundation of failure...just don't be afraid to dust off your pants and keep on walking the paths of life. Pursuing a dream seems to be a lost art in this day and age. Yet that is how our lives came to be...one man (not male, but a MAN) stood for a dream, whether it meant life or death, success or immediate failure. But they never gave up on their hopes, because life just wouldn't be worth living if there was nothing to live for.
I've made my mistakes, and learn from them every second of the day. We are only human. I am only a human. I'm sorry for that. I love meeting people that I can make smile when they have no other reason to. Gives me hope that within each and every individual there lies a flame of hope not yet extinguished and a seed of greatness yet to be planted. I admire people who can find the time to smile. It changes everyone's mood who might encounter it.
I want to live in California one day and climb the mountains near the Pacific every weekend. I want to watch the sunset over the still water of the western coast for as long as I can imagine. And I'd like to write a book someday. Maybe inspire a couple of people to change their lives and attitudes around to pursue what really matters in life; not the petty nature of financial struggle, insignificant bickering, or criticizing individuals for doing something they themselves would never think to do. "

Funny how two simple words can make you wonder about yourself.