Where I stand...with no ground

I don't know what it is. I am stuck. I am afraid to leap. I don't ever want to be hurt again like I was. She doesn't realize just how bad it hurt the first time, enough to change me into a different person and hard to transform back. I keep on finding myself in the same ruts. So what do I do?

Do I give her my all and hope that she will give it back? Would moving back in with her be the best option, despite all of my family member's concerns for my mental health? I don't know what it is about her. She gets me so fired up sometimes. Angry, upset, spiteful...

Then she comes back for a different take on life...treats me like she never wants to let me go.

Im so scared. I don't want to risk losing this amazing chick that claims that loving me is the only thing that matters. I guess ill write out a list about her to clear my head
Things that concern me:
The way she just slept with someone and had no concern for my feelings at the time tore me apart. What makes me think that she wouldn't get drunk and fuck up again? What makes me think she hasn't already done something? How would I ever know?
It's funny cause she snoops through my texts and myspace (im sure) and looks to see if I am lying to her, yet never since us getting back together have I deleted anything or has she found anything worth concern. Yet, I, the one who needs closure to move on, check her myspace and her outbox is practically all gone but a full inbox stands. Am I scared? Yes. Do I have reason to be skeptical? I guess so. I dunno, I have always trusted her, but a piece of me makes me think she thinks I would screw her over so she is trying to get ahead of the game. Biggest concern #1.

Number 2. I move back in to this new place they have. Will it be ideal like it was supposed to be the FIRST time? Or will it be the worst decision ever? Granted, I guess the best way to find out is to just do it and see. But my family and finances hinder the leap of faith. My G-ma loves having me live there (even though I'm hardly there, its the thought that counts) and if I left, I shouldn't be able to come back. Then my mom is the most criticizing person on the planet, and will badger me till the day I die. Then there is the fact that I dont pay rent, which is an extra 450 in my pocket every month (***although, I spend more money on going out and stupid shit which I need to not do). But I started a business opportunity that I'm interested in developing quite quick to prove to myself that it will work. And the extra money helps at the beginning until I am making money. So I figure that once the money comes in I might just move back in, granted the third resolves itself.

The Third. She loves me, I can see it. I love her, she doesn't see it for the obvious reason of my skepticism. There is a lot to work out. Here are things I believe a great relationship should have, unique to Emily and I:
Listening and understanding
No name calling, but pet names
No secrets
Trust
A small amount of independence
A sense of belonging in one another's life
Being able to relight the "spark" everytime you go out together
A leeway for falling asleep when its easy for some others to do it quicker (Me)
Talking about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that is on ones mind without criticism
Sacrifice, which includes all of the following: compromise, physical intimacy (back rubs...yess), patience, listening even when you have something to say, doing something because you want to see the other person happy, etc.
Trust
Lots of kisses
Many memories
Unique experiences
And the list goes on....but trust tops them all. And the question stands. How do you know someone trusts you, or you can trust them? Or can you regain trust if lost? Or is it lost forever? What a philosophical bunch of crap, but really I am sure we have wondered it one too many times.
We just need to find each other again, or just give it up. Realistically, those are the only two choices. Though I cannot imagine not having her in my life in some way. So that must mean that I want to be with her. Maybe I just need some space and for her to allow it without counteracting me with more space. Allow me to breathe, possibly, and stand strong for me while I do so. Im assuming thats what it is, but I'm hoping to find out soon, because I want to be happy like I used to be: Every day, every minute, every second and within every single one of my thoughts.

Pointing out a trend

I realize that when I stop writing that its usually because I am at a crossroads or some point on a long highway when the car runs out of gas and you have to decide which way to start walking to the nearest gas station. If faith serves us well, we remember that to go backwards can be pointless because there might just be a cheap 7-11 closer at the next exit. But memory beseeches as we still travel backwards, because we know for certain of the cheap Shell station we saw 5 miles back. Yet its a lengthy road, only to walk back again and refuel the car to drive for not but a second and see that there was a pricey BP at the next exit instead. The question: why allow our memories to take away our faith when the best choice is to move forward, not back? It might have been a different choice, but sometimes different choices are better than similar ones. And sometimes those different choices cost us more, but they save time and tire us less. You get what you pay for, whether you pay with your time or your money. I prefer time.