Without a Home

Do you ever feel like you are trapped, stuck deep within a hole where only one person holds the rope? Welcome to Apartment 3200.

Ever since I have met Emily, my whole life has changed. I never thought I would leave home for at least a couple of years until she came. That beauty, though, that she put into my life caused me a great deal of hapiness. I had never meant to fall for her. She told me that November she felt something and she knew she couldn't resist it. I felt it too, tingles running up my spine and the blood rushing through every part of me. But little did I know until now that I wasn't ready to here those words so blissfully roll off of her lips. Though at the moment, I was floating in the clouds higher than anyone could reach. I guess it would be described as taking a good drug; once it hits you, it immediately overcomes you and you feel incredible, but the next morning you wish you wouldn't have done so much of it.

Emily put life into perspective for me, brought me to a new being that allowed me to excavate my true desire to experience love and older life. We always got along. We still do, and thats the sad thing. We did almost everything that a new couple could do with each other. We even climbed a mountain together. We still can, thats the sad thing.

Everything DID move very quickly, and I WAS nervous, but excited because I trusted this blue-eyed beauty to show me the way. She was so sure of herself, often making me think the craziest of thoughts were possbile; making me think anything in our relationship was possible. Sure we had a couple of discussions that weren't too collective, but for being around each other all the time, that was pretty damn good. I mean, I pretty much lived with her from the night she said she loved me. Even if I slept at home or in Pennsylvania, I was still sleeping right next to her in heart and soul. It was weird, but interesting.

Living in Apt. # 1 was the best. I long for those days sometimes, even though living in the past brings sorrow. We were two kids in love, making it and cultivating our lives upon it. I felt like everything was about me and I was respectively about her. She gloated about me to all of her friends, and they all loved me. I think they still do, hopefully. Knowing now that they love me means that she loves me. Her friends are that important to her, I know this. And I've always hoped to be that special to her like family.

Since I practically lived with her, I contributed to Rent in apt # 2 no problem associated. It was quite stressful at first, having just recently moved into my parents for 2 weeks to pass over the transition period between places. But once everything was settled in, it all came together. We even had some of my stuff in there. We both made it our own. My favorite memory was when we laid out a wall plan for a picture frame set and printed all of our favorite pictures of us to fill them. I pine for such sentimental value in this new abode, but have not yet seemed to have found it. But overall good times, good dinners, good gatherings of friends, and new experiences.

That brings me to the current status of my life: a place I cannot seem to find my place in. In this apartment, I lack a sense of being. I cannot find my home. I miss you home with all of my heart. Planning for this place in my mind, Emily and I bought numerous items to really bring all the pieces of our aspirations to life. I think we really overachieved our goals to be exact. It was all just perfect. Every morning was like Christmas, opening up and putting together new furniture. What excitement found beneath such overwhelming thoughts. Thoughts, of being in a relationship that worked so well that it moved so smoothly. A relationship without cause for concern until now.

Everything made sense until now. I don't even know what to think anymore. I thought EVERYTHING made sense. I cannot even keep it together right now thinking that everything was so perfect and now I have no one to be IN love with me. Tears are falling from my troubled eyes and it is hard to hold them back. My troublesome thoughts are consuming my emotions. Its not like I cannot function, because I can. I can live without all of this hapiness. I can find some other vice, some other way to euphoria. But why turn back on the euphoric memories I have already had. For once, the good outweighed the bad in my love life and it seems the tetter-tottering of my heart prefers not to choose the first.

So I'm stuck, in this twister of emotion. I am swirling in my own mind looking for the best way to make this easier on both me and Em. I call her Em, ya know. I am that close to her, I think. I call her kitten too, kitty if you will. She is such a beauty. I love watching her wake up every morning, love rolling my fingertips down her back and all over her peach-colored skin and soft blond hairs. I do that every single morning that she is in my arms. I love that because she makes me feel good about love. She makes me think everything has to be perfect. She doesn't say that, but her body reads perfection, her eyes utopia, her tears confusion.

I would never want to lose her. If I had my way, I would tear apart the world except for a place where we could be happy. But thats selfish, unrealistic, and has no validity in two minds. We are young, I know this. But we have grown up so much. I think being together helps us grow as individuals. We learn alot from each other. I hope this serves as a crucial life lesson to us. I hope for me to see what I really have when it comes to love, romance, and the sweeter side of life. I hope for her to see what she really sees in me, and if that is good enough for any reason in life. I want her to find herself just as much as she wants to. But if she cannot find it through simply living with me, then I wouldn't be that much to her anymore.

I have faith that leading a newer lifestyle will complement living in this apartment with Emily. Maybe I need to start doing things like she does. I need to go out more, come home less, work opposite her and hope for the best. I think she wants that. I've already started bettering myself before this even occured. I work out to ease the little, if any, stress I get throughout the week. Im hanging out with people regardless of whether they keep me interested or not. (***Side note: A lot of people in Orlando are of little interest to me, hence they are not good enough for me**). Finding more to do will keep me from wanting her so much. And its not like I overwhelm her. She even said it herself that I am perfect enough not to do that. It seems to be the constant view of me that makes her want less of me. Will that allow her to cherish me more when she does see me? Praying so.

It all comes down to this though. I fear trying in this way will break my heart. I've always been one to try my hardest at everything, never faltering behind my stubborn determination. Allowing her the "me" time she wants I hope will be the remedy. But i fear only that giving more by being less will not resolve anything. I am scared that even at the end of this period, which surrounds our lease terms, that she will still want to be single. So am I to wait around? Why can't I get an immediate return from this? I have to unwillingly wait to see (and I know this), for I have no clairvoyance on this matter.

Yet, the rope rests in your hands. Realize you cannot hold me there for too long or I will be let further into the hole. Take your time to figure the best method for us both. But remember, if you don't bring me back up an inch at a time, you will lose me and you might fall in yourself. It is no fun hanging by a thread, dangling with fear that your life will soon end.

I have never asked a good favor of you as my true friend and companion, until now. Save me somehow, please?