Finding Neverland? Never...

Life changes so quickly that you don't even notice the hands of time moving unless you gaze into the clock ticking ever so slowly.

I have morphed...an evil Power Ranger I was. One minute I was me, the next a demon.
I grew up in such a simple way. I went to church, I loved my family, I lived at home, was always there for my friends and my girlfriend. I always had a girlfriend, need I remind myself. I was the hopeless romantic type, even though remnants still remain unbound. I loved hanging out with my friends whenever I could. I wore whatever I thought looked good enough or had a funny phrase on it. And sometimes my clothes smelled like smoke from hanging out all day at my grandmother's house eating good food and playing cards every sunday after church. I used to not care that I was more geekier and less attractive than the popular crowd. I shook off all the negative things that people said, did and intended on doing to others in this world. I played video games till my heart was content and I waited till the last moment to do my homework, because life was too short. I was good enough and had no reason to care. Life is too short.

Here I am now. I find myself eating hot dogs after a long night at work. I always loved hot dogs. lol. At least that's still the same. I wonder what happened to me. And I know that I thought of this before, and I'm working harder every second to find myself. I miss my old self.

I used to have it all. I used to be in love with no worries or concerns. Now all I do is worry; about my choices in life, my future and whom to share it with, and which stop fate will drive to. Its hard to treat everyone with respect when you can't respect yourself. I want people to walk all over me again, but with enough sense to twist their ankle when they stomp too hard. But I was always way too nice, and I loved every second of it. I was good enough.
I used to hang out with everyone and anyone. Now those friends I used to hang out never invite me, and for some reason it hurts me, and I care. Why?

The one time in my life that I was single I became a beast, wanting only to hook up with random people while the only one I cared about was gone. But it's weird because I never really wanted that...almost like I had to convince myself that I wanted to be like the "every other guy" that was cool because he sleeps around. I wanted to be that dick, and I achieved that role minus the sex. I just pretended like I was that person and only dealt the lies characteristic of that asshole. But that lie was only to guard myself from the hurt that I felt each and every day when she was gone. Kind of weird how that device works, but it worked. It helped get me through each and every day and find strength through independence, and I don't regret it. The only thing I regret about it is that it hurt the people I care about. For those who understood why without hurting, I thank you for seeing who I really was. Thank YOU, because you are what kept me conscious while in a comatose fog that clouded my views of what I really wanted in life. And even as I walk along, unsure of myself yet, I know that its time to turn the page to the next chapter.

I guess everyone hurts someone unintentionally because they have been hurt. Almost like a childish act, dishing up a desert of revenge can sometimes be unintentional when you are put in a world of questions without answers. You just act because you have no other guidelines to guide you, and it usually turns for the worst. I regret it all. I wish I would have just stayed true to myself and stood up for the real me. But I was too weak. Now I have only weakened others trust in me. I'm truly sorry.

But its ok, and everything will be alright eventually. I don't care who trusts me, who semi-trusts me, who despises me, who looks at me differently. Look me in the eye and pretend to like me. Those who care will see me for what I really am. The others, they don't exist as far as I'm concerned. See, thats the thing with making friends and connections with people. You take what you can from the relationships you develop and when they no longer care for attention, you move on without worry that you will be forgotten. Because if you are to be forgotten, you are already lost. Only true friendships stem from love. Family and the one you truly love are the best of friends. Betrayal is minimal when the heart is involved. Otherwise, it is a false sense of feeling, not worthy of wasting time. There are far too many exciting things in life to experience, too many people to meet and gain from. Friends come and go, best friends stay a bit longer, and love lasts a lifetime.

What I have learned is that finding yourself takes trial and error, and someone is going to get hurt, including yourself. You will become a different person, you will scare the people you love, you will scare yourself while still feeling okay about it. But ultimately, one huge lie doesn't make you a liar. We all lie. Whether to save a friend from hurting or to save self. What matters most is that you can come back from it and prove yourself true to those who matter, to one another. That is something that words cannot express, that pleas cannot bargain, and that excessive apology cannot sway. Don't hide from yourself, don't run away from your problems, don't ditch the dilemma you have created. Just stay true.

I'm so grateful that there are people who still care for me, not judging me. You're the reason I still have courage to face the day and not run away. You know who you all are...thank god for you!

I'm not afraid anymore. I am ready to find love again, like I have always wanted. It made me such a better person, much happier to give my all for love. Plus, the sex is better too. Haha, I had to throw that one in! Otherwise, I wouldn't be me.