Illegal and Illicit thoughts

This might sound a bit random since last night I was experiencing something that I really didnt want to... and plan on never again...

I mean, you really have to wonder how it benefits you in the long run...

You become so careless, so unabsorbed in your normal life that it almost makes you a stranger to it once you come back...

Its like running up the hill only to fall back down every single time...there is no ultimate hapiness that will persist with its use, no continuance of pleasure if you consistantly do it, no attaining any useful goals once you reach a certain quota of the times used...

It seems that when you smoke pot, all of your worries seem to just immediately disappear because then you are trapped inside of your own mind and noone cares to jump in along side of you. You reserve all of your thoughts because they are quite analytical to the nature of everyone around you. Every detail, every trait, every mistake, every word is being taken in by the analytical parts of your brain because they have been overly simplified to be able to observe all yet make no sense of why you are noticing these things. You feel dumb, you are dumb, and you endulge in the simplest of pleasures: eating, talking (sometimes), laughing, and observing. NO movement is necessary for all of these and, promoted by the fact that you did smoke, it makes you not want to move unless you have to, unless you create in your own mind a highly attainable goal that motivates you to achieve it, however small or common of a goal it is in normal mode (like walking to the fridge to look for something).

Here is where my argument comes into play: Why hide behind something that means nothing, except for in the moment when you feel high? Why live for the act of smoking for that one second when you could find something so much more valuable to make your heart flutter as if you were reaching a high that you felt could not be reached by any other living being? There is so much more to life that can come to you naturally. What about love? Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, and see how your body feels after that? You cannot get that feeling from any drug except for a love potion concocted by two loving hearts, tingling and beating in the moment always with one another...

The next morning I was still analyzing away and all I could think was bad thoughts. Why is she going out with her friends and not me? Why is it that she always puts her friends before me? Why cant she just do what I want for a change and why do i have to be so easily vulnerable for her to get what she wants? But really, all I want for her in reality is to be happy no matter what...even if I am not apart of that hapiness for the hours that she is away from me. I mean, sure it used to be all about me and our relationship, spending time with each other because we barely knew each other and thrived off of the joy that we brought each other when we spoke about out past and all the interesting details that we chose to release. But it has gotten to that stage where everything starts to normalize and become common practice: waking up with each other, getting ready with each other, going to work with each other. All of this happens so commonly that it is easy to forget just how precious the seconds are that we spend with each other outside of work, sleep and school. Almost forgotten really. I long for the quality time that we used to spend when we used to go out and do things away from the apartment where all the distracting influences lie. I feel lonely right now and I attribute it all to the effects of marijuana. I already analyze things as it is and desire to have certain things my way...why amplify these attributes to a dangerous level where I may not think as highly of our relationship as I used to.

I feel that people dont need to depend on a drug to bring them to hapiness, because the fact that they do them only proves that they are without it and need to find it elsewhere. Sure, it may be like having a drink, but at least your brain can function normally when thinking after getting drunk...well, maybe only for some. I can control all of my thoughts when i drink, but when the pot smoking comes along, it seems that all I want is to be away from everyone in my own mind and find comfort somehow. The only source of this comfort is with her, and when she is not at my disposal for affection then I feel like I do today. I would be able to smoke with just her because we would be spending all of our fleeting moments of stupidity with each other and having fun with it. Then it would be somewhat of a bonding time like back in the old apartment. But yet I hardly get that.

I feel almost everyday that she could live without me and I brace myself for it, because I am the weak one for putting myself out like I do. I feel doomed to inevitable heartbreak, like my mom always would predict because of my loving personality, and it constantly battles with the brutish personality that she can sometimes prove to have: strong willed, stubborn, bossy, standing tall infront of a path long desired, unopened, solid. I want to be number one like I treat her as such...but she is independent, thinks for herself...I am independent too, but I think for her in benefit of making her that much more happy...must the two always collide?

Should I be so selfish and take whatever I want...and if i dont get it, should I make the other person feel as if their duty is to satisfy me, making this known by whining or downing that person with derogatory name calling? Why continue a viscious cycle that will end in heartbreak?

You know, I will forget this tomorrow, and I have apparently accepted it, because I am in love with this girl...NO one person is perfect, except for her. She is the source of all my hapiness and as, my mom so cleverly put it, "If I want her, I have to put up with it, its only fair game" if I want to keep her heart beating for mine. And I love showing her how much I love her, even though I must sometimes hold myself back because it can be too much to handle. Really I don't believe that any one person understands what love I have to give, but maybe she is the One on the path to discovering this. She is perfect because I know so, and she is perfect to me. Isn't that what perfection is anyways, what we deem as perfect in our own minds? It is a personal goal to strive for and walk towards..I, on the other hand, will run...