Ouchies

I'm not saying that you haven't made me the happiest man alive... I'm not saying that you aren't the most amazing person to me, that you don't exceed my expectations as the wonderful girlfriend that you are...
I'm just saying that sometimes I get a little distraught as to how you feel about me.
When you yell at me for no real good reason, it tears me apart to think that you could find a reason to; since I treat you like precious diamonds and bars of gold.
When you see me upset about school, you tell me I am not doing enough, you state the obvious that I am hurting in my grades in certain areas; I know you care and worry, but put that care in a more caring way, not a "oh, your doing it to yourself" way. I know what I am doing, I know how to pace myself, to prioritize. You are the priority that I choose most of the time, so leave me be, its my decision. I tell you about school to share my frustrations with you so as to ease the hurt, not for you to increase it with your hurtful comments.
When I look at you, I wish you would look at me in the same way, kiss me the same way, love me the same. What happened to those passionate kisses we used to share as we would spend countless hours just adoring each other, kissing, making love, without letting the oncoming to-do's get in the way? When are you going to "squeeze" me in in the same fashion that I hold this wide open space for you to fit in whenever you want me or need me, or something of me. I know you put school work first, but you lie to yourself and me when you make it seem like you are in study mode and you go off and do something else. That says to me loud and clear that "YOU DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND ME" or "YOU AREN'T WORTH THE SAME 30 MINUTES THAT A MINDLESS TV SHOW IS TO ME".
Question: Do you prioritize? Now, seriously, to your self, where do I fit in this hierarchy of obligation/pleasure that we call life? And if you say to yourself I am first or second, why do I feel 23rd? Why do I feel like I am hanging from the zero of a 30?
Now your argument is that you do things for me to make me feel special...I get it, you do! But I'd rather just spend 5 minutes connecting in between homework (let alone when I ask for it, because god knows when I ask to have affection for less than 5 minutes whenever I want, it will never happen) than have an hour afterwards. And why couldn't I have both? I am not clingy, I let you do what you want whenever you want. Am I being irrational for wanting something when it just so happens that it always seems to coincide with your wants? Its like you are unbreakable with this front that you have put up since we met. It resurfaces often and I notice it while you dont.
Please open your eyes, because I love you more than ever. And when something bothers me, I cannot tell you to your beautiful eyes, because they cry thinking everything is wrong. Don't be a hypocondriac, a worrysome and sometimes insecure lover. I love you, you are the most stunning creature I have ever laid eyes on. No need to hide behind a solid brick wall for I cannot bulldoze past it because I choose not to...I am that good to you to let you be who you are...but sometime soon you should choose who you are with me and not fluctuate so often. You either love me or not. So love me UNCONDITIONALLY or not at all. I want to feel like I can love you consistently, not be in discontent every so often. And I know it happens quite normally for a relationship as unique as ours, but for what I do for you, you should be happy that I am not one to treat you like dirt, because sometimes you should be to see what I see and feel what I feel.
So take this as it is, not as anything more to where you can overexxagerate. I am just sad that I feel like I have to look for another vice to be able to tell you what i think and not be judged immediately and called sensitive. Once again, I have a heart, and it beats for you, thats why I feel like I feel.
Otherwise, our relationship has shown me so many good things, and I hope to focus more on that in the years to come, hence the only reason why I write these stupid blogs. I am hoping to get into you deeper than ever before hoping you want the same. I love you so much!...
It's kind of sad when you have to write how you feel to the one you love so deeply when they are sitting right next to you, only inches away from their everyday connections of the soul, isn't it?