Use the pivot foot, Damnit

I am at one of those pivotal moments in my life where I am growing, changing and having to make big boy decisions. Funny how we always stumble over rocks on the dirt-tread path but, like I've realized, it only makes us stronger. Whether it be in professional life, love life, scholarly life, I am always thinking about something as to make my situation as ideal as possible. But not only just for me, but for her as well. I care so much about her, and I truly believe that our life together has been fantastic. I just don't know if we are on the same page as much anymore. She doesn't know what she wants, I believe, and because of it the indecision flows freely through the air and creates a mysterious mist that places a haze in front of me. One thing I learned that really connected with me when I was listening to it: Love is a choice, not by chance.

I was listening to an audio recording of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Great book by the way, even though I listened to it...hehe. Ambitiously lazy I am, but I got a lot of value out of it. Although dealing primarily with marriages, I saw principles that were outside of the realm of committed relationships and even saw a bit of my upbringing in my parents marriage (both past and present). There is literally a psychology to everything, simply due to the fact that everyone has their own unique opinions. Whether they are accepted widely or not, published for many to read or no, they are simply opinions stemmed from experience and intense, lengthy observation. So needless to say, being that love is a choice, two people have to be willing to speak each other's "Love Language" for there to exist love. What you may think is gratifying and beneficial to the other person may very well not be in their minds, although intentionally thoughtful. You must learn what makes them tick and what they appreciate above all things (quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, or physical touch) as a primary method of communicating your love to them. I determined that mine is Words of Affirmation, because I absolutely LOVE when people build me up with words. It probably stems from my upbringing and the lack of it growing up, so I deduced in listening. But either way, in present day, I love positive conversation and words of encouragement, while criticism absolutely disgusts me. I believe Physical Touch is my secondary one because it is not strictly sex that I long for, but the kiss and the loving touch of another. But don't get me wrong, I believe sex has a realm of passion and intimacy that most do not get to experience because they are not willing to, and because I always want the most out of life, I therefore believe it is essential at least in my love with another. Man, with this information, people could live such better lives. But they would have to be willing to apply it. Altruism. All these principles are not just to do with courtship and relationships. They also have to do with friendships and raising children. If people would be willing to be less selfish and more selfless, only giving it their all in order to receive it all, they would find a true love that surpasses any euphoria of human capacity...at least I believe it. Therefore I will conceive it. (Dr. Seuss moment).

Kelley Bremer sent me this text today, and it really got me thinking: "Need + Emotional Why= Motivation." Well, I've BEEN thinking, but it reignited the thought for me that has been going through my head. I haven't been as productive as I would like to be in business, and it all has to do with "what I have, what I want, why I want it which reveals what I need, and what I would be willing to sacrifice to have it?" That progression of thoughts in itself should stretch anyone in this settle-for-it world. But I have no drive and, to be honest, have not for the past 3 months it seems (now that I take a step back and look at myself without kidding myself). My business projects will get done, I just don't know if March is the goal anymore. This would be fine, as September we will go over no problem and with the right people. It sucks, but I don't think God would have let me have the team that I couldn't handle. So I'm studying this business like crazy right now, growing myself as much as possible and doing whatever it takes to reach the levels I have set out for myself. But back to my original KB text; It got me thinking. I'm not motivated, so that must mean that one of the variables in the equation are off, faulty or nonexistent. I will not settle with the Q word, so I need to be successful this year in 2009. I need to be a key player on the team so I can impact peoples lives like I desire to. I need to live a life second to none and beat out the odds of retirement for my mental health and to prove to my family that you can make the best out of life. So I need things, but there are some things that I want that have yet to become needs. And it most likely comes into play with an emotional why. I have heard this somewhere before, but cannot coin it to just one person, so it is said that "If it doesn't make you cry, then it isn't your why." And I cannot think of the last time I was even remotely NEAR crying. I can think of two instances: watching my mom cry about her life and where it is, and watching Larry Winters talk about his experience with Danny Snipes and how much he truly cared. In those instances, you could see that there were real people involved with real struggles and there was someone reaching out for help. I want to help everyone, if I can. But if I cannot even help myself, I cannot help others. So in conclusion to this slew of wordiness, I am in search of the one thing that I would die for and can cry for. I need an emotional why and that in itself is a need. I need something or someone worth committing to that will move me to great lengths and shut out any of the garbage in my life that keeps me from excelling. I know it is right there. I wish someone would flip on the lights, as blinded as I am today.

I WILL be okay, and I will come out stronger and more certain than I have ever been. I know that much. I was meant to do great things, and to impact lives no doubt. And this is my vehicle no doubt. Nothing else burns inside of me but this; the urge to be a Successful Man in America and make the dream real.